Up until September 2022 Iāve spent most of my life people-pleasing and bending over backwards for others with little to no reciprocation. In previous friendships and relationships I was treated like a therapist; a resource; someone to trauma dump on and abandon once the support sought was received. This has been an ongoing pattern that manifested and unconsciously continued until I broke the cycle by deciding to choose myself.
Since beginning to prioritise my wellbeing post escaping an abusive relationship, I began redefining what friendship looks like to me and how I want future connections to form. That involved cutting ties, reframing my perspective, changing my surrounding and adjusting my approach. Now, 2 almost 3 years into my journey I find myself alone because Iāve noticed this generationās definition of friendship is based off either: what you can do for others, people wanting to experience abundance by proximity, how much youāll let others take advantage of you or the amount of shallow intimacy had.
Thereās a difference between holding space with yourself and isolating, and while I hold space with myself most days I definitely isolate on others. Iām okay with having no friends because Iām protecting my peace and will continue to, however whenever Iām meeting people for the first time and their immediate reaction is to trauma dump I disassociate with quickness.
I understand itās not always done maliciously but itās exhausting. I acknowledge that receiving professional help is easier said than done and itās privilege to have accessibility to mental health services, but trauma dumping on someone you met within hours of meeting them is a red flag for me. Life isnāt sunshine and rainbows 24/7 and I recognise that. I donāt believe in enforcing toxic positivity because that does more harm than good, but where Iām at right now I just want to make connections and enjoy the little goodness thatās left while the world is going to shit.
Being surrounded by people who constantly complain, always see the negative and are problem focused instead of seeking alternatives, acknowledging positives and being solution oriented is very genuinely draining. Itās okay to vent when needed, it helps decompress, but to NEVER have anything good to talk about? Thatās troubling to me. Yes, people (apart of your support system or not) are supposed to help in your time of need but theyāre not qualified professionals trained to guide you through every traumatic event you experienced. Continuously dumping shit on people without even knowing their capacity to receive potentially triggering information shouldnāt be normalised and is selfish in my opinion, but I unfortunately keep running into people like this.
I love helping others more than anything but I refuse to fall back into old patterns. Iām no longer trying to save anyone, I just hope I inspire people enough to save themselves. General advice, a shoulder to lean on and encouragement is all I can give. Iām tired of being treated like an afterthought, arm candy or expedient. Iāve been traumatised enough by previous trauma bonds and recognising Iāll outgrow those connections sooner or later, I donāt want future friendships/relationships to develop from trauma bonding. I trust in my decision making abilities more than anything but sometimes I feel bad, am I the asshole for immediately disassociating with people who attempt to trauma bond with me?
Absolutely understand this perspective. Our generation seems to have confused trauma dumping with authentic connection, and it's creating these superficial bonds that often dissolve as quickly as they form. When did society start equating friendship with free therapy?
@steven brooks This is something Iāve noticed particularly within the neurodivergent and queer community which is alarming, because thereās this really weird stigma that if youāre not letting people trauma dump or use you as a therapist then youāre a really shitty friend when that couldnāt be far from the truth.
Theyāll use therapy and other professional services being inaccessible as justification to push this narrative not wanting to recognise thatās actually inconsiderate and damaging to parties involved. Seeing your friends as therapists isnāt and shouldnāt be normalised.
@Mitchel Yes, I agree. What's even more concerning is how this behavior has normalized the expectation that friends should be equipped to handle complex psychological issues. We're seeing boundaries completely dissolve, and there's this implicit pressure to either engage in trauma dumping or be labeled as unsupportive
No, you are absolutely not the asshole. And I totally get where you're coming from
It's crazy how some people think it's okay to dump their whole life story on you within the first five minutes of meeting. Like, hello? That's not how relationships work?? Or do they nowadays? It's exhausting being everyone's emotional trash can. People need to understand that just because someone is kind and willing to listen, it doesn't mean they should be treated like a free therapist
And these people made me feel bad for being in a good place mentally before. Sorry I worked on myself and got my stuff together? Should I pretend to be miserable just to make them feel better? That's not fair at all
They think sharing their deepest darkest secrets creates instant closeness, but it actually just creates an unhealthy dynamic right from the start. It's perfectly okay to want light, fun, and positive relationships. Just because we can handle someone else's problems doesn't mean we have to.
I've noticed that the people who dump their trauma on strangers often don't even ask if you're in the right headspace to hear it. They don't consider that maybe you're dealing with your own stuff. That's not just rude, it's kind of selfish.
It's not even helpful for them in the long run either. By always finding someone new to dump their problems on, they're avoiding doing the actual work THEY need to do
I'm so tired of feeling guilty for wanting normal, healthy conversations. Stand your ground on this. You're not wrong for wanting balanced relationships. You're not a bad person for choosing peace. And you're definitely not the asshole for protecting your mental health
@Night Itās nice to know Iām not alone in feeling this way, I appreciate the affirmation. Thank you! People mistake trauma bonding for authentic connections and attempt to normalise trauma dumping because therapy and other mental healthy services are inaccessible to the majority but itās doing more harm than good.
Some people are complicit in their suffering and thatās why theyāre upset at those of us with our lives together, or are trying to situate them. Thatās where most of the tie-cutting began for me. A lot of people were supportive of me until they started perceiving my success as their failure, which was weird because that showed me they thought of it as a competition. Thatās an entirely different conversion though.
I very strongly recall getting into a heated debate with someone because they tried to label me as insensitive for calling people who trauma dump on others without asking if theyāre in the right headspace to receive potentially triggering information inconsiderate. Thatās where I learned a lot of people truly are selfish and those are people I donāt want to surround myself with. It reminds me of a quote I saw somewhere that said, āJust because someone can carry it doesnāt mean it isnāt heavy.ā It stuck with me being a lot of people are fighting silent battles but put on smiles.
These past few years itās been nothing but people constantly trauma dumping on me even setting that boundary not to so now I just stay to myself, socialise when necessary and continue holding space with my wellbeing.
@Mitchel I totally get what you mean about people seeing your success as their failure
And it's wild how quickly some people can switch up on you when you start doing better. The whole competition mindset is so toxic and unnecessary. I've noticed that the people who are the most competitive about success are usually the ones doing the least work on themselves. They'd rather tear others down than build themselves up
It's exhausting having to manage other people's feelings about your personal growth. My healing journey isn't about anyone but me at all? The audacity of some people to make your progress about them is mind-blowin
True friends celebrate your wins without feeling threatened by them. That's why I'm super selective about who I let into my circle now. It's better to have a small group of genuine supporters than a large network of people waiting for you to fail
The quote you mentioned really hits home. We're all dealing with something, but that doesn't mean we have to unload it on everyone we meet. There's a time and place for everything, and basic social awareness should tell you when it's appropriate to share
reading this makes me think about how society has normalized oversharing. the internet age has blurred so many social boundaries. when i was growing up, we were taught to keep certain things private, but now it seems like everyone's expected to be an opn book. the pressure to be someone's emotional support system right off the bat is overwhelming and unrealistic. i appreciate how you've recognized this pattern and chosen to protect your peace. the way some people approach friendship these days feels more like emotional vampirism than genuine connection
@t.j As someone who previously struggled with over-sharing and immediately expecting someone to be an emotional support system, I understand both sides of the debate. But also maturing, receiving personal help and developing self awareness I understand thereās so much power in privacy.
Emotional vulnerability is a super power, but having emotional intelligence is lifesaving. Trauma dumping and over-sharing can be dangerous because openly sharing private information can be used against you in a destructive way if the person receiving the information is unsafe.
I canāt emphasise this enough but every time I do Iām always made out to be insensitive. Itās frustrating.
I don't have anything substantial to add, just wanted to say I agree and feel seen, haha
@Natalie This comment gave me a good chuckle, I appreciate it. Thank you!
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. The way social media has conditioned us to expect instant everythingāincluding emotional intimacyāis concerning. It's created this culture where people feel entitled to others' emotional energy without building any foundation first. Your boundary-setting isn't just healthy, it's necessary in today's world. When did you first notice this shift in your perspective?
@debrataylor.6 I wish I could pin this comment, you said everything I feel in less than several paragraphs! I noticed the shift in 2016 but I still wasnāt quite there with emotional intelligence and self awareness. It took a few more traumatic experiences to slowly transition
@Mitchel true, some difficult experiences catalyzed change in my life as well. People now has essentially gamified vulnerability, turning it into this bizarre currency, who has it worse-type of game
NTA at all! Protecting your energy is crucial. Think of it like this, if someone you just met started showing you their medical records or asking for money, you'd probably feel uncomfortable, right? Trauma dumping is kind of the same thing. I've learned that true connections form naturally over time. You're not a therapist, you're a person seeking genuine friendships
I've noticed the same pattern in my social circles as well, people mistaking trauma dumping for genuine connection. It's like they're trying to fast-track intimacy without doing the actual work of building trust and mutual understanding. In my experience, the best friendships develop organically through shared experiences, laughter, and gradual opening up
When we enforce these boundaries, we're actually helping others understand proper social dynamics
I used to be a huge oversharer myeslf. I was that person who would tell my whole life story to anyone who would listen, and looking back at it now, I feel so embarrassed about it. I used to think that sharing all my problems with everyone would help me feel better or create deeper connections, but it really didn't. Instead, it made me feel worse because I'd wake up the next day thinking "oh god why did I tell them all of that?" It's like having an emotional hangover
The funny thing is, when I look back at those times, I can't think of a single instance where oversharing actually helped me or made my life better. Most of the time, it just made things awkward
From my experience, the people who want to hear your whole life story in the first few minutes of meeting you usually have their own issues they haven't dealt with
So no, you're definitely not wrong for walking away when people try to trauma dump on you. It took me years to learn this, but boundaries are actually a sign of respect, both for yourself and the other person
These days, when I meet new people, I keep things light and fun at first. We usually talk hobbies, movies, food, normal stuff. And I've made better connections this way than I ever did when I was oversharing
Looking back at my past self, I cringe so hard and wish someone had told me it's okay to keep some things private. Not everything needs to be shared, and not everyone needs to know your whole story right away
@Antony As someone who also previously overshared and trauma dumped before understanding and creating boundaries, Iām guilty of the same thing. I canāt say I cringe or regret it because the person I was then doesnāt reflect who I am now, but I took it as a learning experience and it helped shape present me (with the help of therapy).
Iām happy that youāre also in a place where you have and establish boundaries but donāt be embarrassed. I hope you continue to find lighthearted and supportive relationships with the new approach you have to initiating connections. Manifesting that for you, me, and every one else seeking authentic relationships.
@Mitchel Honestly, thank you for this! I guess that I can be too self-critical. I am a completely different person right now. I really needed that reminder right now, thank you! Therapy helped me a lot too
Wishing you all the best also!
@scottsweeney365.2 I know! That's such a refreshing way to look at it! I still catch myself wanting to share everything, especially when I meet someone who seems really understanding. But now I try to ask myself "Is this the right time? Is this the right person?" It's like I finally learned to read the room
The funny thing is, the connections I make now feel so much more genuine because they're built on mutual interests and actual compatibility rather than just emotional spillover
@Antony I actually agree with Mitchel a lot on this. Don't be embarrassed about your past self! I was exactly the same way, an open book. Looking back now, I realize those experiences shaped who I am today. Every awkward overshare, every cringe-worthy moment was actually teaching us something valuable about boundaries and connections we need and do not need.
@Antony Exactly! I remember this one time I literally told my whole life story to a barista because they asked how my day was going, can you imagine? š But now I understand that meaningful relationships are like gardens, they need time, proper care, and the right conditions to grow. What I love most about my current friendships is how they developed naturally, without any pressure to "prove" the depth of our connection through trauma sharing
Modern friendship has become transactional, which explains why many people struggle to form deeper, more meaningful bonds. Your boundary-setting is such a healthy response to an unhealthy social pattern. The immediate intimacy people seek scares me, and actually pushes me away from them. I understand that empathy is important, but it shouldn't come at the cost of my own mental health
You're doing the right thing by protecting your energy. I've also noticed how some folks use their trauma as a way to keep you hooked, like if you try to distance yourself, they'll hit you with another crisis. It's manipulative, even if they don't realize they're doing it. We're not responsible for fixing anyone else's life. All we can do is be kind and compassionate without ourselves first āØ
Trust your gut on this one, if someone's giving off those bad vibes right away, it's totally okay to peace out. Your mental health matters too! šŖ