I don't know how to explain what's happening in my mind.
For a long time now, the idea of pain has made me feel... something. Excitement. Or maybe adrenaline. Back when I did self harm, it felt like I deserved it. Like I I was fixing something that is wrong. It felt like it's fair. It felt satisfying.
I stopped three years ago. I made a promise and kept it. I've been cut free for three years, three months and 20 days.
Still, when the pressure gets too much, when I'm stressed, when I make a mistake at anything, the urge keeps coming back.
Since the idea of pain excited me, I got to learn about BDSM. I've read a lot and got to know what I do and don't like. In theory.
Lately, I joined my local BDSM community, hoping I might feel less like a freak for being a masochist after meeting the people there. One problem that occurred is that I'm also asexual and sex-repulsed. And they don't seem to be able to wrap their mind around the concept of being a sub and a masochist AND sex-repulsed at the same time.
(Really, it's not that complicated: I don't need to be naked in order to be tied up, beaten and then praised for how well I took it. And I couldn't care less if the person doing it was a man, a woman or non-binary, as long as I got the sensation.)
Since I've joined the community, I've felt worse than before. I feel like a freak, because what kind of a person wants to be in pain? I feel broken, because what kind of a person doesn't like sex?
The answer is me. I'm this broken freak.
After all of this, my mind is a mess. I don't know what to think or how to deal with all of these mixed up feelings and desires.
I know I'm broken. I have trust issues, which is automatically a huge no-no when it comes to BDSM. It's all about trust and communication, and setting boundaries. I can't do any of this.
My brain refuses to let anyone see me as the wreak I really am. But a part of me wants to be seen as just that. I'm so tired of having to be in control of my every word, every action, every thought, just because of "what people will think". I don't want to be anyone's child or sibling or colleague, I don't want to be responsible and smart and strong. I'm only human, goddammit it! I want to break down and know that I'm allowed to!
There is a special kind of freedom that comes with being powerless. When you realise you have no control and nothing depends on you, when you surrender. You can't do anything wrong when you can't move. You can't say anything wrong if you can't speak. And if you cry, if you scream while being beaten, when there are actual bruises on your skin afterwards, nobody will tell you that your pain isn't real or that it's all in your head.
Maybe the only reason I got into BDSM was because I saw "sadism and masochism" and thought "I'm not the only one, there are other freaks that want to be in pain and who would cause pain". But if you remove the sex from it, is it really the same thing? If they all see the pain as a warm-up, as a foreplay before having sex in the end, then what am I even doing there?
Am I just relapsing in a different way, trying to use BDSM as a substitute for self harm with the exact same results?
I haven't done anything with anyone yet, and most likely I never will. But in case I do... will I be breaking my promise? Will I be using it as a loophole to self harm?
What should I do with this mess I am?
First off, congratulations on being self-harm-free for 3 years and going! I'm not ace, but I totally get the pressure to conform to what others expect. Society puts so much emphasis on being "normal" that we forget there's no such thing. Your feelings about pain and control are valid, even if they don't fit into neat little boxes. Finding your own path is what matters, not fitting into someone else's definition of what's right. When I have a tough choice to make, I usually ask myself: where do I see yourself in terms of healing five years from now? And will that decision fuck me up? You should really analyze that aspect of the situation, at least that's what I always do
@shannonmcgrath valid advice, but here's what i want to add: op, I think you need to separate these two things in your head—self harm and BDSM are totally different things. Self harm comes from a dark place of wanting to hurt yourself because you think you deserve it. BDSM is about exploring sensations in a safe way with someone you trust. You could try writing down what you want from BDSM vs what made you self harm before. Look at those reasons side by side. Are they coming from the same place? Usually self harm happens when we're alone and feeling awful, while BDSM should happen with a trusted partner who respects your boundaries
Don't let anyone make you feel bad about being asexual either—that's just how you're wired and it's perfectly normal. I know it probably feels isolating, but i bet there's a lot of people who are experiencing/have experienced the same thing. bc every time i think i've had one original experience, i meet/see someone with almost exactly the same story back to back lmao
@shannonmcgrath exaaactly! I truly do believe that everyone has their own tribe, those special people who truly understand and support you. Some have already found them, others are still looking, but rest assured, your people are out there waiting for you as much as you are waiting for them
@Moonlight Thanks for bringing that up! Yeah, the intent behind the action makes such a huge difference. I think the OP needs to really dig deep and figure out if they're drawn to BDSM because it genuinely interests them or if they're trying to find a "legal" way to harm themselves. It's such a fine line sometimes. The community aspect is important too, finding the right people who get you and support you makes all the difference. If one group doesn't understand that doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. They are simply not YOUR people, no more no less
This is actually more common when you think. Many aces enjoy bdsm in a nonsexual way, some just like the thought of it. You're definitely not alone on this one
hey there! ❤️ wanted to reach out because i really understand the self-harm part
you're absolutely not broken or a freak. being ace is completely okay, and wanting bdsm without sex is also totally fine. those are just parts of who you are, and there's nothing wrong with either of those things
the self-harm part is where you need to be cautious in my opinion. you mentioned that crazy amazing achievement, being cut-free for over three years! that's huge, and you should be so proud of that! 🌟
i get those urges too sometimes. they don't just magically disappear, and that's okay. what matters is how we handle them
have you thought about talking to a therapist who's kink-friendly? they can help you figure out if your interest in bdsm is coming from a healthy place or if it's your brain trying to find a loophole for self-harm
you've already shown amazing strength by staying clean for so long. that's not something a "broken" person could do. that's something a strong, determined person does. i really hope you'll be gentle with yourself. you're dealing with a lot, and you're doing your best to figure it out in a responsible way. that's actually pretty awesome 🌈
if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out. stay strong ❤️
@paul lewis as someone who has unfortunately gone down the path of self harming, I agree with this 1000%. BTW big congrats on 3 years!
I am no guru in any of these topics, just wanted to say that you are not broken or a freak at all. Please don't think of yourself that way. Everyone has their own unique way of being themselves, and there's nothing wrong with being a lil different from what others expect. I personally think that it's okay to struggle with those feelings from time to time, it doesn't make your progress any less valuable. Now give yourself a big hug and acknowledge how far you've come, you deserve this kindness from yourself
Aroace here !! you summoned me lolol
There are quite a few aces who enjoy BDSM without the sexual component. Pain and power exchange can be completely separate from sex. It sounds tho like you're really struggling with reconciling your desire for BDSM with your past self-harm. From what you've described, I don't really see BDSM as a self-harm substitute in your case the key difference is consent, boundaries, and having someone who cares about your wellbeing involved. Self-harm comes from a place of self-punishment, while BDSM (even without the sexual component) is about exploring sensations and dynamics in a controlled, consensual way
@timgeo.11 Hey, hope I'm not bothering you! I was wondering if I could ask you a couple questions? I'm ace too and I've always known that about myself, but lately I've been questioning if I might be aromantic as well. It's kinda confusing to figure out sometimes! I totally get if you're busy or just don't wanna talk about it. Hope you're having awesome holidays if you celebrate!
@timgeo.11 Thanks for being so nice about it! Yeah, so the thing is, I had such a hard time coming out as ace to my family and friends (a lot of them were respectful, but some were like "you just haven't met the right person yet" ugh), and now I'm dealing with all these questions about being aro too. Like, I've never had a crush the way my friends describe them? I thought I was just being "picky" but maybe there's more to it?
@timgeo.11 Honestly, thank you for that reminder I really needed that. But I just myself don't know how to accept and know that I really am. How do you even figure out if you're really aro when society is so focused on romance everywhere? I can't relate to all these romantic movies and songs that everyone else seems to love, I can appreciate the beat and everything, but the lyrics always seemed too cringe for me. I try to imagine myself in a romantic relationship and it just feels..weirddd? Not bad necessarily, just not something I particularly want or need? But then I wonder if maybe I'm just overthinking everything
@Callie omg yes of course you can ask ! and thanks, i do celebrate actually, currently drowning in christmas cookies lol. What's on your mind? I remember questioning myself too, it can be pretty overwhelming!
@Callie oh gosh, the "right person" thing i swear every ace person has heard that at least once! Coming out can be really tough, and you know what? You don't have to come out about being aro (if you figure out that you are) until you feel safe and ready. Or ever, really! It's your journey and your choice who you share it with
With self harm, there's usually shame and hiding afterward. But proper BDSM should always include aftercare, checking in, making sure you're okay. That's such a crucial difference. If you do decide to explore BDSM, make sure whoever you play with takes aftercare seriously. It's about the whole experience being safe and consensual
First and foremost I want to congratulate you on being 3 years clean of self harm! That’s an amazing achievement and I’m so proud of you! I recently made 5 years last month on November 14th and look forward to many more! However as an asexual who’s into kink and active in the BDSM community, I strongly recommend seeking professional help if it’s available to you before further diving into things.
From what I’m understanding, it sounds like you’re attempting to substitute one unhealthy coping mechanism with another. With there being a lot of predators in the BDSM community who LOOK for vulnerable individuals like yourself, additional trauma could transpire as a result.
I hope you’ll be able to receive the help and support you’re seeking, best of luck to you in your endeavours!
Ace kinksters exist and you'll find them. Don't compromise your boundaries for anyone. Focus on what feels right for you. Pain play can be therapeutic when done safely, and there's actually research that's been done on this. Take things at your own pace. Building trust is a process, sometimes a long one, but there's no need to rush anyways. And remember, your identity is not up for debate ❤️
The line between therapeutic release and self-harm can be blurry. You should definitely explore these feelings and clarify your motivations before trying anything!