I haven't really had friends in the last 5 years and I've never been in a relationship. Feels like I’m wasting the best moments of my life on the Internet. I feel empty and I sleep for 3-4 hours on most nights. I think I can’t make any offline friends. Zero people congratulate me with my Bday or send me text messages. The only person who calls me is my mom. I have no happy memories from the last seven years. I’m forever glued to my devices, waiting for another notification that someone liked my post or commented on all the social platforms I’m using. But lately I don’t enjoy talking to online strangers, it doesn’t mean anything. Sometimes I watch TikTok videos and cry cuz people have so much fun, loving friends and supportive families. I have nothing similar to what they have. No one spends Christmas in their bedroom watching anime. It’s only for losers like me. I get so lonely when I put away my phone, and I’m lonely when I use it cuz all those likes they are from passersby who don’t give a shit about me. Lately I play more video games and watch anime. It’s less painful than constantly scrolling the Internet. I can't bear the reality, so I've created my own where I don't have to feel anything. Sometimes I want to give it another try and get closer to some people I study with but it terrifies me. I try to tuck away feelings of despair and inadequacy but it keeps coming back and flooding me, saying no no, you keep falling down and stay alone. I think I got it from my mom who spends most of her time at work and has no husband and no friends except aunt. If only I could drink alcohol or smoke some, it’d be easier to look into the void. But the taste of alcohol makes me sick, I’m such a weirdo… I think I’ll just give up trying to change things
