emotionless

I don't know but i am not able to connect with people on emotional level. I can talk to people but on everyday topics and for a very short period of time. It's rarely that i am able to convey what I feel and share about myself. I am in first year mbbs college right now far away from my home in hoatel. At home mom used to hear me but after coming here I have reduced sharing my problems with her coz she will get unnecessarily stressed, she cares a lot about my happiness.

It is like no one here really understands me definitely not my two friends with whom I constantly hang out. Everyone here judges other people, talk I'll about others, they might be joking around but i cannot here so much negative things... I cannot talk bad or judge other people without knowing them.

I want to accomplish so many things in my field but the two friends I am with who I thought would push me towards it are not at all like that. Earlier they used to say that we don't want to date or talk about guys but now every conversation of them is about that only and i can't stand it. I mean upto a limit it is fine but all the time just the same talk and having no goal to achieve is just so frustrating for me.

I want to talk with other people but I don't know how to fit in their groups also it's very difficult for me to break a friendship.

Because of all these thing I have started remaining quiet all the time and dont indulge in their talks even when I am sitting with them. To this one of my friend says that your core nature has changed, you are not like before. Its so sad that she judges me on one thing disregarding all the moments we had spent together before.

She thinks that her way of living like is better and considers everyone else's lower compared to her.

I never made her feel bad about herself only because she is not like me, why can't she do the same with me.

I think that staying with them is draining the capability of my mind which I can put to use for so many more things because I have goals that I want to achieve.

But I don't want to be seen as a bad person leaving her friends.

What I want to say is that I am emotionally fucked up. I have feelings but lacke the power of expression. It feels like I have locked up all my real emotions away.

While leaving home I want to cry but I can't in front of everyone. I cry only when I am alone Or sometimes in front of my mother.

I was not always like this, it has started happening since the past 3years.

Before that I used to have a range of emotions and now I feel just like a robot because logic takes over every feeling of mine to the extent that I feel whats the point of crying if can't do anything about it.

Pls help me