In the past, I would overwhelm myself by shouldering the problems of others without having anyone to help me with my own. I felt obligated to because that’s what friends are for, right? But after a year of therapy, support workshops and self-help exercises I’ve come to learn no, that’s NOT what friends are for.
When I lacked boundaries and healthy communication skills, I allowed people to constantly trauma dump on me. These people were individuals I called “friends.” The thing about it is, they had no regard for MY mental/emotional wellbeing and would discard me once they felt better. Or if I attempted to be vulnerable around them they were “too busy”/unavailable.
Now that I have healthy boundaries, an understanding of my limitations and respect my limited capacity to receive negative information, I honour myself by asserting these boundaries and communicating these limitations to anyone I’m building rapport with.
Because if it’s something I’ve also learned, it’s that everyone’s definition of a friend looks different. For some, it’s someone you occasionally talk to, for others it’s what a person can do for them. Myself personally, a friend is someone I can share laughs with but also expect them to hold me accountable if I say/do something inappropriate. It’s me knowing I can also hold them accountable and that there can be healthy conflict without fallout. It’s sharing core values and interests, but also having differences and still getting along.
These days a lot of people don’t want friends, they want “fans” and “followers.” Individuals who’ll cosign on anything and everything they do regardless of it’s right or wrong. They don’t want to take responsibility or grow to better themselves, they don’t want to build long lasting relationships, just superficial and short term connections. They don’t want ACTUAL friends, they want therapists; people to dump things on, and because of that I’ll remain selective social and continue holding space with myself.
Yes, your friends should be there to support you in your time of need but they shouldn’t be treated like therapists. YES, your friends are loved ones and people apart of your support system but NO, they’re not qualified professionals to guide you through traumatic events and life experiences.
That’s why I’m tired of seeing the narrative, “You’re a bad friend/person if you don’t let your loved ones trauma dump on you!” because it’s so inconsiderate? Everyone has a life outside the friendships they build and that should be understood as well as respected.
Everybody’s capacity is different, and if you can’t take two seconds to ask if the person is in a well enough, mental and emotional head space to receive information that has the potential to be triggering then you’re not as good of a friend as you think. Your friends and loved ones shouldn’t feel “obligated” to be emotionally overwhelmed because they’re afraid you’ll accuse them of being uncaring.
Additionally, just because you might have the capacity to do it doesn’t mean you have to. It’s great that you’re looking out for your loved ones but it’s their responsibility to seek professional outlets that’ll accommodate their circumstances. People really don’t understand how that can put a strain on friendships, intentional or not. And I understand that receiving professional help is extremely difficult, but if you think your friends are therapists then you should re-evaluate yourself. While there are people comfortable with having this dynamic, others aren’t.
With me deciding to no longer be the therapist friend, it’s been QUIET. With me setting boundaries, it’s, “Oh Mitchel you’ve changed.” With me stepping away from anything that doesn’t positively serve me after respectfully communicating my disassociation, it’s, “Mitchel’s weird.”
I didn’t change nor am I weird, I just respect myself enough to no longer let people take advantage of me and they dislike it, but I’m okay with that. No longer being the therapist friend is one of the best things I’ve done for myself, and while I of course still support and advocate for others when possible, I do it in a way that doesn’t overwhelm me or invalidate them.
I couldn't agree more!!! The role of a friend and the role of a therapist are very different, and it's crucial for our own mental health that we understand and respect this difference. When we blur lines, we risk not only compromisng our own wellbeing but also damaging the relationships that mean the most to us. We need to recognze that while we might have the best intentions in trying to help our friends navigate their trauma, we aren't equipped as the professional is
Furthermore, it's unfair and emotionally taxing to expect a friend to shoulder the burden of another person's trauma. It's important that we all have a space to express our feelings, but this should never come at the expense of someone else's mental health. Just as we wouldn't expect a friend to perform a medical procdure on us, we shouldn't expect them to navigate the complexities of our mental health struggles
@Mona you articulated this perfectly, thank you so much! It’s disheartening to me because a lot of people would rather demonise someone for recognising their limitations and setting boundaries than being understanding that not everyone’s capacity to consistently tolerate negativity is different.
I still love and care so much for people, friend, colleague or other, but not at the expense of my own emotional and mental health. I keep free and low cost professional resources on me because I know the next person could need them, but where I’m at now I refuse to do anymore than what’s within my means.
Sometimes we have to separate and love people from afar when they refuse to allow us self care and it sucks, but it is what it is.
Ooop- I think I'm the friend who dumps all the problems on others. I sometimes wonder about this because almost all of our conversations consist of pouring our own problems on each other. I've never seen that as a problem tho. To me, it's part of being friends and supporting each other. I would say I have very strong friendships, but we do spend a good portion of our time discussing our problems and empathizing with each other. Of course, we have moments of fun, celebrating victories, and being happy for one another. We just seem to spend a large part of our time venting. But you got me thinking whether my friends might be overwhelmed. I'll definitely bring it up in our conversations. I genuinely don't want to burden them, and it's something I hadn't really considered before.
@silly goose Did you miss the part where I highlight the difference between friends supporting their loved ones as they should and treating them like therapists or did you just disregard everything?
edit: in case you somehow missed the explanation, friends are obviously supposed to support you in your time of need. The problem is when the person dumping onto the other has no regard for the others persons mental and emotional health as they’re doing it. My post also mentioned some people being comfortable with this dynamic and that’s okay, but it’s encouraging mindfulness because not everyone is.
Setting boundaries, as you have done, is not only helpful but necessary. In fact, it is a sign of self-respect.
And it is not about pushing people away or being unkind, instead it is about maintaining a healthy relationship with ourselves. A boundary like that may seem to push people away, I know, but in the long run it leads to healthier and more balanced friendships.
It is also important to remember that everyone has different emotional processing abilities. What may seem acceptable to one may not be possible for another. It doesn't make a person stronger or weaker, it just means we are all different and that's okay. People who use others for the sake of trauma dumping can just I don't know...start a diary?? lul
Keep prioritizing your mental health and setting those boundaries, your future self will thank you.
That's the way it is with a friend of mine. I'm really tired. Lately I feel like my condition has gotten worse because of it, but I used to think I was just making it up and I'm crazy on my own. But every time I see a notification from her, I sigh and my heart starts beating faster. It's kind of a mess. Answering her messages, listening to her voicemails gives me anxiety. As well as coming up with tons of advice that she will ignore and do nothing with, only to whine to me on the phone again later. I get real anxiety every time she contacts me.
We haven't seen each other in three months. The last time we hung out was at her place, but I think it was an excuse to talk about her ex. I constantly see in her stories how she's out partying with her friends at clubs, bars. I never got an invitation to join in. And I swear, I never noticed the problem before. I've always been the quiet, calm, can't say nothing out of line type, so I blamed that I just wouldn't be fun to be with at the club and I probably wouldn't agree to go, but she didn't ask me, not even once. Huh.
I'm still a softy. And the memories of how cool things were at the beginning of the friendship don't let me kiss her goodbye. I'm also just afraid that I'll seem bad to someone and that she'll hate me. She's very impulsive, so I'm afraid of her response and the things she'll say behind my back. I don't know, I'm probably just getting myself worked up and I should just go ahead and not respond to her next message because I'm pretty damn sure it's gonna be trauma dump.
@Phoenix Came here to share my story and saw your comment. I've had a similar thing happen to me. Spoiler: we are no longer in touch. Yeah, it's possible. Gonna tell you about my situation, sounds like it would be helpful for you to see what it's like to get out of a situation like this. Now I realize that she just wanted to shift the responsibility for her problems to someone else. By the way, I really wish she didn't follow my advice, because as soon as something went wrong, it was my fault, not hers. I once told her that she needed to cheer up, refresh her spirit, go out and relax. Then, she really had a lot of problems in her life and wasn't really resting. Well, she did it, we even went shopping together. Two weeks later she writes me a tirade about how bad everything is in her life (typical), and briefly mentions that if we hadn't gone shopping then, she would have had money for something more important. I was shocked. I DIDN'T FORCE HER TO SPEND HER MONEY! We had a big fight because I expressed right away that she shouldn't blame me for her problems and that she had done it several times already. Oh, but no, I didn't stop talking to her that day. It dragged on for a while and then I just burned out. I wrote her a huge explanation. She blocked me everywhere after that. End of story. I don't care what she thinks of me. Let her complain to everyone she meets about how awful I am. My peace of mind is a priority.
Couldn't have said it better. I also believe that it's crucial we start educating people about the importance of checking in before sharing heavy information. We need to normalize asking friends if they can handle our issues atm
@ᡴ 𓇼 ᴖ OK It's surprising how many of us have been subjected to the role of a therapist within our friend groups, often without clear consent or even realizing the toll it can take on our own mental health
@Phoenix you’re not a softy and your feelings are very much real. It sounds like she’s using you to dump her emotional baggage on and once she’s done, she spends her energy with people she respects enough to be mindful of. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this but if I were you, I’d actually take time to reflect on if you want to remain “friends” or not.
That’s extremely fucked up of her to mentally and emotionally exhaust you then go spend time with others. You deserve to be surrounded by who respect you, your boundaries and sees you as more than a therapist. I hope that you’ll be able to get everything sorted without exhausting yourself, my heart goes out to you.🙏🏾