A few months ago my conceiver sprung on me that we may have to take care of a distant relative and she’s calling me “selfish” for being upset about it.
For a little bit of background and context, I don’t have a good relationship with ANY of my relatives and consider myself estranged. At my earliest convenience I intend to go no contact because they’re everything from abusive to racist, shallow and self-centred, narcissistic and mentally/emotionally unsafe to be around. The only relatives I have contact with are immediate; the woman who birthed me, an older sibling, and 2 nieces and a nephew. Besides my conceiver, I keep VERY minimal contact with my older sibling and his kids, though I try to be more cordial and open with them.
The relative in question is a young girl who I believe to be no older than 10 but is a child of my conceiver’s brother. My conceiver’s brother is an abuser. A CRIMINAL with a record of repeated offences; everything from robbery, battery, assault, substance use/distribution and domestic violence. He has WELL over 10 kids, all with different women because he’s a deadbeat recidivist and has no intention of being there for any of the families he’s started. In the past he’s lived on and off with me and my conceiver which frequently resulted in fights; either between him and his partners or him and my conceiver. It’s gotten so bad that the cops had to be called multiple times.
Because he’s refusing to claim his daughter and her mother was sexually abusing her, her mother also being a drug addict and refusing to claim her, the system she’s in is looking to have relatives take custody of her. Unfortunately none of my other relatives can (or want to) and my conceiver has decided to make us carry the burden, and it bothers me.
It upsets me because while I empathise with her situation, we aren’t in a position to take care of another person when we can barely take care of ourselves. We don’t live in a safe neighbourhood, we’re in the process of filing an EOP against our neighbour who’s been threatening/harassing us for YEARS, and I’m STILL dealing with stalkers after being doxxed on social media 2 years ago. Additionally, me and my conceiver work full time and won’t be able to supervise her. Understandably she has additional accommodations because of her trauma which isn’t an issue, at least not for me since I’m in therapy and overcoming my own issues, but the other issue is I’m in the process of receiving gender affirming care (GAC) and will undergo surgery soon. I’m looking for someone to take care of me myself because I’ll be immobile and unable to work and I don’t trust my abusive conceiver to.
Overall, I’m not upset at the girl but my conceiver because she’s taking on more than she can handle and it’s going to impact me in ways I refuse to allow. My conceiver is conscious of all of this yet she’s still pushing to take custody. It also pisses me off because she’s not someone you can safely be vulnerable around and I fear she’s going to worsen both me and this girl’s mental health. And at the risk of sounding selfish, I’m not putting anything I’ve planned on hold to accommodate an issue my conceiver unnecessarily created. I know that’s going to create conflict but I don’t care, she knows it’s unsafe to bring this poor child into our living situation but she’s doing it because we’re relatives. Respectfully, it’s not our burden to shoulder and re-traumatising her isn’t worth it!
In my opinion, it’s wrong and irresponsible to force you to take a distant relative, no matter how much in need she is. You have the right to make decisions about your own life. Are you leaving with your mother ATM?
Taking care of such a young girl, especially given the traumatic circumstances surrounding her, could potentially worsen your own mental health and disrupt the progress you have made in therapy. You should make it perfectly clear to your mother that if she makes this decision, it will be her own responsibility to take care of this child.
Sorry for the offtop comment, but 10 kids??… WOW. It amazes me how fertile some men are (and also how popular with women...)
In my experience, custody services check all the information provided about the potential relatives. If you share your safety concerns with them, I doubt they will allow this girl to live with you. Tell them like you told us that your living situation is already challenging with threats from neighbors and stalkers. Bringing in another individual, especially a child who may need additional supervision and support, could potentially compromise the safety of both you and the girl. Another risk factor is your financial state. Tell the custody services that you and your family are already struggling to take care of yourselves due to working full-time and dealing with personal issues. Taking on the responsibility of caring for the girl may stretch your resources thin and impact your ability to provide adequate care. I’m sure this information will play a crucial role in the decision-making process!
@Fergus MacWilliam And don’t forget the factor of potential re-traumatization. Mitchel writes that the poor girl has already been through so much trauma. Given the history of abuse and trauma within the family, there is a risk of re-traumatizing the girl by bringing her into such an environment.
You’ll have to sound determined and aggressive when you make your point clear that this is non-negotiable. You need to find another solution that does not involve inviting a child into your house. As your relationships with your parent are already strained, this situation probably only made things worse... I can imagine how stressful all this is for you, on top of all other things. Stay strong, my friend!
OMG. You’re going through so much! It’s almost like life itself is sending more and more challenges your way, only to prove you’ll cope with all of them. All the more amazing that, despite it, you’re such a mindful and sensible person. I admire your stoicism!
I don’t think you are selfish. All your arguments sound very logical. Quite on the contrary, in my opinion, it _would_ be selfish to take custody of the girl.
my dad did this to me. we did not adopt anyone but he married a gargoyle of a woman with two disgusting sons. for me and my mental health, it was a nightmare every single day of my life until I left the house. never regretted it! Maybe one day you’ll do it too. you can get free. we get one life, and it’s worth living it the way you want it.
@QQvongtichy wrong and irresponsible is an understatement, it’s unsafe and jeopardising everyone. I’ve brought this and many other concerns to her attention and she’s acknowledged it, but she’s still pushing to make it happen.
I’ve made it abundantly clear that if I’m to be interviewed by the case worker potentially giving us custody that I’m going to communicate everything. It’ll result in a fight and her threatening to evict me, but then she’s REALLY going to struggle having to supervisor our relative.
I understand she’s trying to help but she has no clue how much more harm she’s going to cause with how chaotic attempting to manage this will be.
@time2time He’s not popular with women, he’s an abuser. Diagnosed with narcissism and a bunch of other conditions. I’ve firsthand witnessed him manipulate people and it makes me sick. I have no empathy for abusers, blood related or not. He deserves to be locked up with no chance of release.
@Fergus MacWilliam That’s exactly what I intend to do once I’m interviewed. I refuse to unintentionally re-traumatise this girl and sabotage my own mental health because my conceiver thinks she’s helping. I work for DCFS myself and will communicate this alongside other concerns not mentioned in this post.