Yesterday, a coworker was talking to me about his relationship with his boyfriend that I thought was sweet, but the more he detailed, the more my expression involuntarily fell at how unhealthy it sounded. When I asked how long he knew his partner and where they met, he told me they’ve known each other for a month and met on an app.
Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t believe in the “3 month rule.” When it comes to relationships, my “talking stage” is 7-9 months because 3 months isn’t enough time to know a person. For me, it’s not about knowing whether or not I like someone, it’s actually getting to know them as a person and becoming friends before the relationship. Until I’ve seen a person when they’re happy, sad, mad; around their friends, family, coworkers and colleagues; their conflict resolution skills or how they function when drunk/high, I won’t establish anything.
Everyone’s personality changes in different settings, groups, when under the influence, etc but it depends on how drastic that change is. The last time I initiated a relationship with someone I met within a month’s time, he turned out to be a covert narcissist with a history of domestic violence. That “relationship” ended in me receiving an influx of trauma related diagnoses, filing an emergency order of protection, having to LEGALLY change my name, delete half my media and go no contact with a loved one because him stalking us gave them C-PTSD.
Since that situation I’ve actively been in therapy, support workshops and stepped away from the dating scene because I want to better myself, for myself, before my loved ones and the next person I date in the future. While my situation is extreme, it’s just scary to me how people initiate relationships without taking certain things into consideration? I know everyone navigates differently and if things work for them, awesome! I love seeing happy and healthy partnerships because it gives me motivation to continue building my own, I just couldn’t see me doing it abiding the “3 month rule.”
