Yesterday, a coworker was talking to me about his relationship with his boyfriend that I thought was sweet, but the more he detailed, the more my expression involuntarily fell at how unhealthy it sounded. When I asked how long he knew his partner and where they met, he told me they’ve known each other for a month and met on an app.
Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t believe in the “3 month rule.” When it comes to relationships, my “talking stage” is 7-9 months because 3 months isn’t enough time to know a person. For me, it’s not about knowing whether or not I like someone, it’s actually getting to know them as a person and becoming friends before the relationship. Until I’ve seen a person when they’re happy, sad, mad; around their friends, family, coworkers and colleagues; their conflict resolution skills or how they function when drunk/high, I won’t establish anything.
Everyone’s personality changes in different settings, groups, when under the influence, etc but it depends on how drastic that change is. The last time I initiated a relationship with someone I met within a month’s time, he turned out to be a covert narcissist with a history of domestic violence. That “relationship” ended in me receiving an influx of trauma related diagnoses, filing an emergency order of protection, having to LEGALLY change my name, delete half my media and go no contact with a loved one because him stalking us gave them C-PTSD.
Since that situation I’ve actively been in therapy, support workshops and stepped away from the dating scene because I want to better myself, for myself, before my loved ones and the next person I date in the future. While my situation is extreme, it’s just scary to me how people initiate relationships without taking certain things into consideration? I know everyone navigates differently and if things work for them, awesome! I love seeing happy and healthy partnerships because it gives me motivation to continue building my own, I just couldn’t see me doing it abiding the “3 month rule.”
It’s the first time I hear about this rule. I guess it’s very individual for everyone. Some couples get married within a month of getting acquainted and live happily ever after, others co-live together for years only to find out something critical about their partner and end the relationship. There are no guarantees that you’ll ever know somebody well enough to predict how your relationship will develop. Your extreme experience has probably made you very cautious – quite understandably. I took a year’s break from any relationships after my divorce, just needed some time alone with myself and my own needs. I think those who haven’t had negative experience, take it easy and are ready to risk. I honestly envy them in a way :)
I appreciate your emphasis on building a strong foundation (based on genuine connection and understanding) before any serious commitment. Young people do not share this opinion, which I find rather childish. I look at the partner my daughter has chosen for herself and.. well, I’m disappointed.
I'll be the devil’s advocate here 😈 IMHO, completely avoiding risks may limit opportunities for deeper connection and personal development. Building deep, intimate connections requires vulnerability and openness to the uncertainties that come with relationships. If a person tells me they need to watch me, “see me in all possible scenarios”, assess me so to speak, before initiating any relationship with me, I don’t think I will trust to be fully honest and vulnerable with such a calculating friend.
I also think that a relationship often starts with a spark, mutual passion and interest. If I see that another person is hesitating and taking a long time to make the first steps or to react to my signals, I’ll take it as a red flag that the person lacks acceptance and compassion and judges me, checking if I meet all the criteria in their head. I’d prefer a person who can potentially embrace all my imperfections, expecting the same from me.
I have friends who’ve initiated relationships spontaneously and continuously share a lot of the wild and awesome adventures they’ve had, and I love hearing about them so I’m not knocking it. I also understand where you’re coming from however for me personally as someone who’s dealt with “spontaneous” relationships, no part of me takes pleasure in people who don’t know how to conduct themselves, has plans for the future, or actually want to establish something longterm. I enjoy spontaneous, I can be spontaneous myself, but not in a reckless or endangering manner. I think there’s a difference between being spontaneous and being uncoordinated without plan and that’s what I’ve experienced in anyone who’s called themselves spontaneous. While it’s not for me, if it works for others, more power to them!
Edit: someone hesitating to be open and vulnerable isn’t always because there’s no mutual interests or anything trauma related, some of us just don’t feel the need to rush into anything because we want to be intentional about the people we allow into our lives. Some risks are meant to be taken but not at the expense of a person’s time and mental/emotional health.
@meant2b It’s honestly disappointing when trying to establish something longterm because a lot of this generation values the idea of fun and having flings as opposed to something worthwhile. Commitment isn’t for everybody and that’s okay, I’d never wanna shame someone for having a different lifestyle or preference than me, but it’s frustrating for me as someone who’s looking to actually build something with substance
@Turbulence I appreciate this response more than anything, it allows for nuance while creating space for understanding on both ends. You’re absolutely right and I wholeheartedly agree. Thank you for this
@Mitchel I’m honestly wondering how this generation is going to survive. Pardon, I don’t know your age... I’m almost 60 and my generation did not think in algorithms “I’ll do this for you if you do that for me”. No wonder the percent of divorces is skyrocketing.. When one chooses a partner only with their mind, they’re doomed to get disappointed, and there’ll be nothing that will keep partners together. Nothing, unless they had a deep emotional connection, which requires time and patience to establish. But modern young men are driven by momentary emotions and logic, none of which can be the glue of the relationship for long.
I know in my heart if my daughter marries the partner she chose, they won’t last long.
@Mitchel Sure, all we can do is agree to differ. In my personal experience, parthers should be on the same frequency. If one is cautious and "slow" while the other requires quick reactions to their signals, then there will be a rift between them all the time. I had a partner who needed weeks to think over how she felt about me, about my suggestions and mutual plans. It drove me nuts, honestly. We broke, and all the while she accused me of not giving her enough time... yep.
@nietzsche Her situation sounds slightly different than mine. I know when I like a person and will communicate it upfront, I just prefer to be friends before lovers because having synchronising frequencies doesn’t guarantee an intimate connection will last.
The people I met who’ve labelled themselves as “spontaneous” have ALWAYS been uncoordinated and disorganised to the point of causing needless conflict and that’s NOT what being spontaneous is. Even being spontaneous, that requires some form of time being spent, planning.
If you’re disorganised, uncoordinated and lack patience then only seek out people with those traits the same way those of us who prefer to take our time, actually know the person and build something of substance should only seek out others with ours. I don’t know her or your situation, but in an obviously bias response, you probably didn’t give her enough time.
@meant2b I’m 24 turning 25, but there’s an influx of reasoning behind divorce rates today and I don’t think this is the primary reason. It’s one of them that’s for sure, but it honestly just sucks. I have a preference for older partners and the age range just went up to 50.
Was talking to a then 29 year old who turned out to be a narcissist I had to take legal action against so I upped the age to 30+. Spent 7 months talking to a 35 year old who’s insecure, unsure about his goals and essentially led me on, then the 37 year old I might have to file a cease and desist against played in my face as well.
Age doesn’t define maturity but with the few people who are 50 and older I’ve been talking to, they’ve been nothing short of what I’m looking for in a partner.