Over the past few years, with the normalisation of “pop culture psychology” and increasing acceptance to self diagnose, I’m noticing a concerning pattern of behaviour within certain communities, more specifically the disabled community, and weaponisation of certain disabilities to avoid accountability.
Now before I’m accused of ableism, I have mental and physical disabilities myself. That doesn’t exempt me from ableist but in my opinion, disabilities create limitations, not make a person incapable. I recognise and acknowledge that everyone’s capacity is different but some people really do weaponise their alleged incompetence to escape accountability.
I’m so sick and tired of seeing people attempt to justify outright bigoted behaviour with, “I have [condition]” then accusing the person holding them accountable of ableism. Having autism doesn’t make you racist, ADHD doesn’t make you fatphobic and personality disorders don’t make you queerphobic, 9 times out of 10 you’re just a shitty person if you have to default to the argument of ableism if someone calls you out.
I’ve been seeing this ESPECIALLY happen with the autism community and it’s frustrating because I know SO many autistic people who don’t weaponise their autism, but that select handful of bigots who do make the entire community look bad. It’s especially annoying because people coddle certain disabilities as if the people living with them are helpless babies? It’s weird, toxic and concerning.
I’d also like to disclose this isn’t an invitation for any genuinely ableist people to come talking shit. The crux of my complaint is that SOME people in the disabled community are weaponising their ailments to avoid accountability and it’s annoying. I’m genuinely hesitant to socialise among other disabled people because I don’t know who’s going to do this bullshit and I’m paranoid from past experiences.
As someone on the spectrum myself, I've seen this happen too much and it bugs me. Some people think that this is some sort of excuse to be a bad person. We all need to take responsibility for our actions, no matter what. It's frustrating when a few people give us a bad name. Using autism or any other disability as a shield for bad behavior isn't okay, but some people are just bad people and that's about it I guess. Thanks for speaking up about this!
@jonathanr Hey, I'm really glad you and Mitchel brought this up. As someone who's also on the spectrum, I totally get where you're coming from. We're all just trying our best to navigate this world, but using our neurodiversity as a get-out-of-jail-free card for being a jerk? That's not cool. I've seen it happen a lot of times, and it makes me cringe every single time
We're already fighting against so many stereotypes and misconceptions, and then these folks come along and make it even harder for the rest of us. I mean, don't get me wrong, I know autism can make social situations tricky sometimes. But there's a big difference between accidentally saying something awkward and deliberately being mean or discriminatory
We gotta own our mistakes and learn from them. That's how we grow as people. It's frustrating when people use autism as an excuse to avoid that growth. Like, come on, we're adults who are capable of understanding right from wrong
@AJIM I'm so glad you chimed in! It's always great to hear from someone else who gets it. Some people do think autism is this magical shield that protects them from any criticism. But here's the thing - it's not. We're all responsible for our actions, autism or not. I've had my fair share of social blunders, sure, but I always try to learn from them. That's the key, learning and growing. I think part of the problem is that some people get so caught up in the "identity" that they forget they're PEOPLE first
@OliviaK Hi Olivia! Yeees, we all have our challenges, but that doesn't mean we can just go around hurting people's feelings. I've seen it happen in my ex-friend group. I think some people just get too comfortable with the label and forget that we're all just trying to figure life out. It's not fair to use autism as a shield. We're all learning and growing every day. I've had my share of awkward moments, but I always try to learn from them. It's part of being human, how do you deal with it when you see people doing this?
@jonathanr i've been thinking about this a lot too! i mean, i get it, we struggle sometimes, but that doesn't mean we can just do whatever we want. that's not fair to the rest of us who are trying our best. they forget that we're all human first. i think it's important to remember that we're more than just our diagnosis. we're people with feelings and thoughts and dreams. just because we might see the world a bit differently doesn't mean we can't learn and grow. i've made plenty of mistakes, but i always try to say sorry and do better next time
@jonathanr i'm so happy you get it! dealing with it is super hard, to be honest. i usually just try to avoid those people, but sometimes you can't, especially if they're in your friend group. it's awkward, like, do you call them out? do you just let it slide? i never know what to do. i feel like i should say something, but then i worry that i'll come across as mean or that they'll accuse me of being insensitive, despite me having it too. it's such a tricky situation. i wish people would just be more aware of how their actions affect others
I couldn't agree more. I've seen this a lot with depression (and that's coming from me, a person with depression lol). I think it's crucial that we teach self-advocacy alongside personal responsibility from an early age (and that goes for absolutely everyone). We need to shift the narrative from "I can't because of this thing that I have (whatever this is)" to "how can I work with what I have to achieve this and be a better person for my loved ones and for myself?"
I think that mental illness doesn't define a person's entire identity or excuse harmful behavior, and I must admit that when I encounter someone who refuses to acknowledge their impact on others or, as you accurately described, weaponizes their behavior, I find myself feeling incredibly frustrated. It's a delicate situation that requires patience and empathy, but also firmness in maintaining healthy boundaries. I consider myself an empathetic person, but I'm not gonna put up with rude behavior and a 'friend', who is unwilling to change for the better.
@S h e l b y Hey Shelby, I appreciate your response so much. Your articulated my thoughts perfectly, especially with the statement of it being a delicate situation requiring patience and empathy but also firmness in upholding personal boundaries.
Much like you, I consider myself an empathetic person but there are limitations to it. My empathy and understanding ends where a person’s malicious behaviour begins and cruel intent persists. Weaponising disabilities to avoid accountability is a huge no for me and recognising I have extremely low tolerance for this kind of behaviour is why I wanted to initiate this conversation.
@Mitchel I completely agree with you. One thing I've noticed is that sometimes people might not even realize they're using their condition as a shield. It can become a subconscious habit, a sort of defense mechanism. If the person won't acknowledge or try to do better, then I just disconnect from them, because I can't put my own mental health at risk as I am very sensitive to that kind of behavior
This resonates with me so much. I've seen this happen too many times and it's frustrating. This behavior not only undermines the credibility of those genuinely struggling but also perpetuates harmful stereotype
@Glenn Yes! And that’s one of my main concerns! It’s painting a really bad picture and affirming misconceptions about certain disabilities and I hate it so much.
thank you for bringing this up! i've noticed this trend too nd it's really concerning. i have adhd, and i've seen firsthand how some people use it as an excuse for their poor behavior. it's important to recognize that while our conditions may explain certain actions, they don't justify harmful behavior towards others. we all have a responsibility to work on ourselves and be accountable for our actions. i try to stay away from people who don't understand this
@robertw.8 while I don’t have ADHD or autism, I am neurodivergent. I wanted to initiate this conversation from a place of nuance because I can only speak from a neurodivergent standpoint but wanted to do it in a way that wasn’t antagonistic toward people with ADHD and autism. I appreciate your response so much because I’ve seen this way too many times but didn’t want to be accused of ableism for speaking on it since I don’t have ADHD or autism.
Avoiding people who weaponise their disabilities or ailments feels close to impossible, especially when some unconsciously do it, but overall it’s very important to take accountability for our actions regardless of what conditions we might have.
I just hope we get to a point where we can have respectful conversations about how to take responsibility and not victimising one’s self when held accountable.
@Mitchel i think it's great that you're bringing attention to this issue. i've noticed that some people tend to use their conditions as a shield against criticism, which isn't fair to others or helpful for personal growth. i think that they're just afraid to face their own actions sometimes. also i think part of the problem is that society often doesn't give people with disabilities enough credit. we're capable of learning and improving, just like everyone else. it's actually more insulting when people assume we can't change or grow. i wonder if part of the issue is that some people haven't learned healthy coping mechanisms
I had a friend who was dealing with a lot at the time, and he would occasionally lash out at me, saying pretty hurtful stuff. I felt so guilty for leaving him after about a year of our friendship, but reading this, I feel a bit better about my decision. 🙏🙏
Looking back, I realize that he was using his mental health as an excuse to be mean. He'd say awful stuff and then blame it on his upbringing or something else he was dealing with. It made me feel like I couldn't say anything back without being a bad person
@MyLIFE If it’s something I always tell people, it’s that mental illness and trauma being understandable doesn’t make mistreatment of others acceptable. We’ve all experienced some life changing event that challenged in ways that left negative impacts but not everyone uses it as an excuse to justify terrible behaviour.
I’m so sorry you had to experience a friendship like that but I’m glad you got out of there and hope you’re doing better. I’m sending love and light your way, and hope that healthy connections find you these days. I’ve had to disconnect from “friends” and acquaintances alike for similar reasons but stopped feeling bad about it.
Sometimes you outgrow people and that’s okay, other times you just develop discernment and want better for yourself so you cut off whatever you feel is holding you back. It looks different for everyone but never feel bad about prioritising your mental health and wellbeing.
@Mitchel Thank you so much for your kind words, Mitchel. It means a lot to hear that from someone who understands. Looking back, I'm amazed at how much I've grown since then. It's so crazy to think about what I put up with back then. I've learned to trust my instincts more. If something feels off in a friendship, I don't ignore those feelings anymore. I'm more confident in speaking up for myself and addressing issues head-on
It's liberating to prioritize my mental health without feeling guilty about it.
@smith1989 Wow, thank you so much for sharing that! 🙏
I was always so nervous about saying the wrong thing and setting them off. I wanted to be there for them, but at what cost? I started losing sleep over it, always worrying about what mood they'd be in when we talked next. Did you ever feel like you were responsible for their happiness? Because I sure did, and it was exhausting. I'm glad we both realized it wasn't healthy. How long did it take you to finally step away from that friendship?
@MyLIFE Oh my gosh, this literally happened to me before too! I felt sooo guilty. I had this friend who always made me feel bad for setting boundaries. They'd say mean things and then be like oh, it's because of my anxiety or whatever, and then post something veryy depressing on their socials (Are we 12?). I stayed friends with them for way too long because I thought I was being a bad person if I left. It was so draining. I never knew when they'd snap at me next. The worst part was, I started to doubt myself. Like, maybe I really was being insensitive? But now I know it wasn't okay for them to treat me like that, no matter what they were going through. It's such a relief to hear I'm not the only one who's been through this!!!
@MyLIFE It took me way too long to step away, honestly. Like, almost two years of this back-and-forth. I kept thinking, "Maybe this time will be different" or "They're going through a rough patch, it'll get better." But it never did. I started noticing how much happier I was when I wasn't around them. My other friends even pointed out that I seemed more relaxed when that person wasn't around. The final straw was when they blew up at me over something super small, and then tried to guilt me into apologizing to THEM. That's when I realized I couldn't do it anymore. How about you? Was there a specific moment when you decided enough was enough?
100%
another thing i've noticed is that some people seem to think having a disability means they don't have to try to do better, but that's not true at all. we might have to work harder in some areas, but that doesn't mean we should give up. and we all need to take responsibility for our actions, regardless of our challenges. it's the only way we can grow and build better relationships with others. thanks for starting this conversation!
@joel.lo I wish I could pin your comment, you’re right and I agree! It sucks that we have to work harder but that doesn’t mean we’re incapable of being independent!
@Mitchel Yep, this! I try to push myself to do better every day, even when it's tough, so I really don't buy any BS from someone who is hiding and refusing to put an effort to be kinder
I see it that way too. I've seen this happen and it makes me so frustrated. Even worse? When people compete over who has it worse. It's not a contest! It just creates more division in a community that should be supporting each other. I think part of the problem is that there's still so much misunderstanding about disabilities in general (not from people outside, but within the community as well)