Last month I had a dream that I can’t seem to forget. In the dream I was walking into town, my town that is, While I was walking two dogs, I then came across a group of people who looked like the cast of a musical that I saw on Broadway. The group welcomed me warmly, and one of the guys there was really sweet to me. He gave me a hug and a little kiss, but the kiss did not feel weird. It felt nice. It’s funny because the guy that kissed me looked like the actor. I have a crush on and one of the people with him was the actress he is currently engaged to, but it wasn’t those cast members at all. They just looked like them anyway we all hung out together and talked and had a great time. I can’t stop thinking about it. I wonder if it means something. I had this theory that it’s a preview of how good my life could be. But I don’t know what to make of it. I want to believe that it means something good is coming, but I just don’t know. What do you think?

Hi Guys,

What do you do if you have obsessive thoughts that wont leave you .Also if you are feeling extreme sadness that might turn into depression.

Day by day , I am getting more anxious , depressed , seems like everything is getting out of my hands , first the exam and many more things now

ive felt this way since forever. im 18 and i still remember how i was never appreciated in my childhood for no matter what i did. id always try to impress my parents, but i can still image their disappointments. ive never been disappointing, yet ive never felt appreciated in my life. i still live with my family. ive absolutely zero friends. i have tuberculosis and i barely get to socialise (which is only with my family and relatives). i dont know how to explain this feeling to anybody but ive always felt like no matter what i say, nobody listens. no matter how much i want to prove myself right or tell others about my pain whether its physical of mental, it wouldnt matter. im a rlly quiet person and this has affected my self worth so much. i stay in self doubt all the time. ive rlly unusual thoughts such as “im not allowed to share abt my hobby to anybody or rlse i cant enjoy it”. and i cannot even find the root cause of the thoughts. i met my bf online 5 months ago. i never met him irl. my anxiety and fears tell me that im not allowed to enjoy my relationships cus of the reputation ldrs have. its all filled with stories of cheating and stuff and no matter how good he is to me, i still end up fighting with him and doubting him. im so sure that im not living as a normal person. ive no activities (ive a few hobbies). i dont feel physical good to do anything. and talking to my family feels a huge burden. im rlly sensitive and everything feels like a trigger. ive put so many limits in my daily life and when i think about it i feel so guilty that ive not enjoyed or lived a single day of my life since i just dont know how to. i feel so left out and im afraid of what ppl would think of me. i ruminate abt every single moment and its just so overwhelming.

Failed in the exam for the 5th time and it's not even that hard , it's due to I am not able to remember the things.

I am ashamed of myself , I am not able to face my parents, they are disappointed from me , feels everytime like a heavy burden to them. 😖

There’s nothing that turns me off more than someone who’s hypersexual. Whether it’s a result of trauma or lack of sexual discipline, it’s genuinely unattractive to me and not just because I’m asexual. If you can’t have a civil conversation without making it sexual, don’t engage with me. I’m so tired of trying to build relationships with men and they’re immediately trying to initiate intimacy.

For a VERY brief moment I thought I met a seemingly normal man. We were talking just before I began working through my self care routine which consists of meditating, hydrating, stretching, doing something creative, listening to my favourite tunes and self help exercises. By the time I replied it had already been an hour so I apologised for the delayed reply, informing him I was doing CBT. “CBT” the abbreviation for cognitive behaviour therapy, this fucking weirdo thought I meant cock and ball torture. Blocked him immediately after communicating things won’t work.

But this not the only time I’ve experienced something like this and it’s exhausting. There’s absolutely no way it’s THIS difficult for people to have casual conversation without being promiscuous? This is exactly why I haven’t used chat and dating sites in almost 10 years. People are quick to jump to sex without knowing the person and it’s appalling to me. Until I’ve known a person for 7 or more months, sex is off the table. If that’s a dealbreaker, so be it. Even as a sexually active asexual, this is exactly why I only date within the asexual community.

Jesus fuck.

it's kind of the sequel of the end of my latest post.

i will only bring recent exemples but imagine it's recurrent situations.

earlier it was my birthday, this year i decided to celebrate it fully alone because by the past i haven't been honoured the decent way.

and they proved me i was right to do so.

first none in my family proposed a plan to me, a simple restaurant or even house party with just the 3 of us (even tho it's not on d-day because of work it's fine) unlike it would be for other members. they actually didn't even ask if i had already plans and didn't ask about my day after at all, they actually talked about theirs, as if i didn't matter.

also my dad usually call us when it's our birthdays, and he didn't for me.

tho at 11pm before the end of my day my mom gave me a gift, it's been years she didn't so it's the only person i didn't expect something from. and she is the only one that gifted me something, i'm not materialistic at all, but it's just knowing there was a thought about me. she also brought me a cake, later she told me she actually saw my favorite cake but chose this one instead because my sister prefered this one. yep on my birthday.

for context actually my sister birthday was 2 weeks before and she wasn't with us and couldn't celebrate, so it's actually ok for me to celebrate hers with mine! it's just that i know that the opposite: others adapting to me wouldn't happen, and that once again i can't have my day about me.

tonight my sister turned on tv and i suggested to put a game for all the family to play, she said no because she has priority "because she wasn't at home latest days so she chose the program" she actually chose a game for herself but giving the questions to my mom, so they were playing together, leaving me out of the fun basically, i don't get why...

few days ago she was happy to ask me for 700$, take my clothes, but i can't even in return just have simple interest from them.

does she hate me? i don't even do something bad, i admit i'm emotional and negative because of the environment etc but i always try to be giving and helpful to her, i love my sister so much i could give my life to her but i feel she take me for granted, i only ask her to care when i open my mouth that's all.

is it my fault like did i ever show a signal that i don't require much? but the thing is when i show i expect i end disappointed, but well see even when i try to be prepared i still end hurt.

tbh i feel so embarassed to communicate about it, everytime it's always i'm too sensitive so i learned to shut up.

As a content creator, part of the reason I quietly stepped away from media and became selective with who I collaborate with is because after reflecting on past connections, it opened my eyes to how people will support you until they perceive your success as their failure; now you’re a threat to their self-esteem. It’s disheartening because while my mission statement is to educate, entertain and encourage, I said to myself I’d never become an influencer who doesn’t interact with their supporters. But after so many instances of others attempting to slander and defame me, take advantage of my kindness or simply experience abundance by proximity, I’ve had to reform my approach.

If it wasn’t one-sided competitions then it was attempted sabotage. I’ve had “friends” try to destroy my spirit but when THAT failed, they resorted to one-upping me. Because I’m secure and increasingly becoming more content with my Being, I’m never envious of others. I don’t know what that person had to do to get what they’re at nor do I want to, but if there’s something someone has that I want, I can achieve it myself. Might not happen today or tomorrow but I trust that it will. If it doesn’t, I take that as the universe saying it’s not meant for me. Seeing other people accomplish their goals motivates me in my own pursuit which is why I love watching others win.

And after a 6 month hiatus, I feel ready to return. I’m not internalising the insecurities people project onto me nor am I engaging with mindless drama. I’ve come to realise that the reason some people have developed animosity toward me is because of their own shortcomings and they dislike the genuine passion I put into my craft.

There’s people assuming the volunteering I do is to curate the image I’m someone who can do no wrong which is far from the truth, because you can be a shitty person and still do “good deeds.” I advocate because I understand what it’s like to live in an underserved community. I understand what it’s like to struggle financial stability, food security, have accessibility to healthcare and other resources. It’s having that experience that helps building relationships with my and neighbouring communities easier and more fulfilling. There’s people upset at me for being a non Latino/hispanic, Spanish-speaking person, despite the fact I’m open about learning with Duolingo and have been for 2 almost 3 years. Mind you, it takes nothing at all to install and learn the language themselves yet they don’t, they’re just upset that I’m putting forth the effort.

Even constantly facing an influx of unnecessary bullshit, I truthfully don’t care about the people perceiving me. I care about those who see me for who I am and what I strive to do, not the roles and titles I have as an advocate, creator, etc. While I’m gradually easing back into media, I’ve created and am taking an approach that works for me and am excited to get back in my motion!

This week I had two online interviews via instant messaging. I was told by each one that I had gotten a job from them but it turned out that I had to buy the equipment needed for the job with a check they would send me. My parents told me they were both scams. Strangely enough I got a large check in the mail today but from a different company. Likely a fraudulent check.

I feel like such a fool

I really had my hopes high that I would be able to get a good second job doing something I love, but it was all a clever fake. They didn’t take any money from me but they did break my heart and take away my confidence. No other job that I apply for seems to want me and the only people that do are scammers who see how stupid I am. One of my greatest wishes for this year (along with finding a theater company in nj that I could belong to, a group of friends I could call my second family, and the freedom to live the life I want to live) is to find a job that makes me feel happy and fulfilled. Now I feel like I’ll never find it. Is the universe mocking or punishing me? I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy. I feel so depressed I can’t do anything. I don’t know what to do. How do I get out of this funk?

i don't know if i would do it one day, but just in case i need to write about the reasons i had to leave it's here.

it's gonna be long so not forcing anyone to read it's some notes for me first.

i'm a person who has creativity in lot of fields but i always lacked confidence to show what i can do, not saying i'm amazingly good but just pursuing my dreams is hard due to my fragile mind. tho the moment i started to believe in myself, i didn't have the shield to protect me from some people that can really destroy you by pure envy.

it would look like i'm blaming everything on others but actually if i never met them, or if i was less naive, my life would have been successful i'm really sure of that, and i'm never sure about anything.

everything started in 2017 when i met 3 abusive persons in a row. yes i use this word because it really affected my health and they are the reason of my s* thoughts.

the first one was a narcissist, i discovered this word with them, and had my first panic attacks since i let them try to step on me when i started being successful.

the second one was actually the person who was using me as a shield against the first person and i didn't realize, when she didn't need me anymore i discovered how vicious she was, she only cared for favors, when i wanted to stop friendship she harassed me online over a year. it caused me my depression i'm still stuck in and self harming.

i met the 3rd one during the harassement, i told her everything about my experience, and yet she was reproducing my fears, what was harder to let go it's because i thought we were sharing a special friend bond, but it was just mimicking, because the moment i said stop to the abuse, she reacted as if i always had been the issue and stole my trauma to lie online, i started to take antidepressants to avoid k*lling myself, she was definitely the worst.

idk what i'm doing wrong for repeating the cycle.

after this abuse tho luck started to show up, because i was focusing my work on me and not giving it to my abusers, so after hard work on creative fields i've been noticed for amazing opportunities, i started to grow in popularity, and i felt i was healing, but guess what, i have been suddenly harassed by jealous fans who spread lies on me, exactly the same kind as my abusers, crazy it's always by sabotage i'm losing. i lost absolutely everything after that because i had to close my business and i'm not contacted anymore despite the receipts of truth. i'm lucky most people defended me because they saw the reality but yet my chance had been robbed. i fell again in this dark place. and since that i don't know what to do

but then i notice i barely been respected my whole life so i'm really a dumbass.

first i've been conditioned by my emotionally immature mom, i only noticed after the depression that her behavior wasn't normal and maybe it's was coerced me into accepting disrespect. she never respects boundaries and don't take accountability, so since a young age i learned to apologize/adapt to others need. my sister is a cool person but i feel i don't really matter to her if it's not to serve some needs, like for example when i propose something to my family i get ignored unlike other members.

when i was in kindergarten, probably due to racism, i was excluded, bullied, but since they were a bigger group than me alone, professors never believed me. it never traumatized me but it definitely taught me to shut myself down.

in middle and high school i was around girls that only cared about superficiality, if you weren't doing everything that everyone else did you were not cool, so they treated me like i was less because i was true to myself, evicting me, never listening to me, and stopped inviting me the day 3 guys stole my phone, but i wasn't that sad because i knew they weren't real friends.

i met real friends at the adult age, because actually, it might sounds unserious but people that develops a frontal lobe got emotional intelligence and won't treat others in a way they wouldn't like.

people that met me always say they adore me but... when you adore a person are you not supposed to respect them and not use them? is the world selfish or am i not acting as i should?

but i feel i still let myself be a doormat to some people that are not "bad", like i notice with some friends of mine how the convo always revolves around them and i don't get the same interest when it's my turn, then i blame myself because it's probably because i made them think it has to be like that, but at the same time i have other friends who don't take advantage like that so why???

or some people asking me free favors because i never say no? like even tho it's my fault for no having boundaries, don't you have morals? some people copying my creations, others never letting me choose, it goes by little things like that i'm liked because i'm convenient, i bring to others, not for me.

i'm also tired of communicating my needs because it never changes, i'm tired i don't wanna fight for me, to be honest it's like i wait either for a miracle either to be hit by a bus i don't care i don't believe in anything anymore.

tomorrow it's my bday and it's the first time i chose to celebrate my day just by myself, because experiences showed me i deserved that. i never been honored the right way, either friendgroup forgetting, my mom ruining the event by not behaving well to others, having to make my day about other people ego centered choices etc.

what makes me sad is that i lost near 20years being stepped on, i don't belive i can win now. i have dreams but i can't because depression is sucking all my energy, it's making me have fears, it makes me be less in shape to be ready for efforts etc.

i wonder do i suck this much to have this life? is there an explanation?