Hi everyone,
I have an issue that is a bit scary for me to open up about. I grew up in a small town with only a couple thousand residents. My mom was constantly overworking herself and had a hard time to regulate her emotions. Small things could easily turn into screaming matches and strong words like love were often used by her to make me bend to her will. My dad on the other hand was emotionally distant, and for the most time of my childhood I just viewed him as a person coliving with us. Sure, he taught me how to change a tire, start a fire, drive and so on. But whenever I had a question or need, i always had to go to my my to ask.
When I was 15 I experienced s.a and started feeling fearful of men. Mentioning this since it made me more sensitive regarding physical touch.
I have the perception that my dad doesn't understand certain modern social cues. For an example that it makes me uncomfortable when he puts his hand on my thigh, or that he shouldn't keep hugging me to a point where I can't physically break free without using great force after I stopped hugging him a long time ago. When things get uncomfortable for him he often laughs it off and does what he perceives is right in the end anyway. He always tries to find the easy way out. Hes been struggling with weight for as long as I can remember, but keeps finding cheap solutions that don't work and always coming back to the conclusion that life needs to be enjoyed and therefore treats himself with bad food.
I just want to clarify that none of my parents actually believe that they were doing anything wrong. My mom simply doesn't know how to communicate any better and my dad is just clueless about his actions. He doesn't mean any harm by doing what he doing and just sucks at reading social cues. I emotionally supported my mom quite a lot and helped her understand that not all people are out there to get you, and she's learned a lot during the years.
Growing up I dealt with many of my issues alone and developed a bit of a "I-dont-need-anyone- attitude". Meeting my current partner changed that. We worked a lot on feeling emotionally safe, and to trust one another.
I'm currently 21 and have lived in my own for over 6 years now (I went to boarding school).
My parents still support me, and while that is nice, I still fear that at some point it might be held against me in the future "we did X much to you, why won't you accept us being toxic". For a very long time I've therefore tried to minimise economical support from them. And I've told them that I want to go on full self-sufficient mode by the time I turn 22.
Since I'm still being supported I have a hard time setting boundaries with them. I could easily live without their economical support, but I don't want it to even be a mentionable bargaining chip. My parents divorced about a year ago (friendly, but still difficult). And are still struggling with the consequences of it. My mom grieved her part but has found her peace, while my dad distracted himself with adventures and has now fallen into a bit of a depression. My mom worked a lot on bettering herself and is now a person that I on a good day trust to understand my position. They both love me so incredibly much and it's difficult for me to limit contact and put boundaries up that I can see hurt them.
At the same time every interaction with them is filled with anxiety and makes it difficult for me to relax and enjoy their good sides, which is a shame, since they have a lot of them. Lately I have been speaking up more, and having a formally diagnosed mental disorder has made them more willing to hear me out too.
Sorry for a long and messy post.
