The heartbreaking thing about loving an avoidant as someone with a more secure attachment style is that you have to do it from afar to preserve your own mental and emotional wellbeing.
6 years ago when I had the avoidant attachment style myself, I unexpectedly entered a relationship with a childhood friend who’s now the ex best friend of my older relative. He was also my first crush. The funny thing about it is his little sister was MY best friend because SHE had a crush on MY sibling. His family was close to mine so frequently we hung out, in and out of school settings. Commonality aside, the four of us bonded because we were bullied for our interests.
In July of 2019, we started getting closer before I eventually, impulsively initiated a relationship. It didn’t last for a variety of reasons; we were both immature, I was avoidant, and overall didn’t have the appreciation for anything then like I do today. I’ve blocked and disassociated from him a few times but it wasn’t until summer 2022 we reconnected and he confessed having feelings and being in love with me. I was taken aback since in our younger years, he declined my advances and made it apparent he wasn’t attracted to me.
We had a long and deep conversation about it and cleared everything up. Come winter of 2022 we reconnected after a brief silence from both parties. This came about post me escaping an abusive relationship and taking legal action against my assailant. Having been in therapy and support workshops for approximately 4 months at the time, I’ve already transitioned into a more secure attachment style where I attempted to initiate another relationship but more INTENTIONALLY. Unfortunately, after experiencing a traumatising relationship himself, he became avoidant so the rekindling didn’t last.
There was radio silence between us from January 2023 until July 2023 where I messaged him. From July to September we’ve been on and off in contact until finally, he stopped replying. In the times we’ve held space it was spent playing games, checking in with one another, sharing artistic projects we’ve completed or are working on, being intimate and overall enjoying each other’s company.
In the times I visited, I would always gift him poems, love letters, protection charms, or mini care packages. Aside being avoidant, I know he suffers from extreme depression and anxiety so I would also check in when I could. From what I recall, he hasn’t opened any of the affirmation letters I gifted him but I know he keeps them in a treasure box of things that see important to him which means so much to me. Just before we lost contact I wanted to give him one final card but I haven’t heard from him since September 2023.
As a former avoidant I understand I’ve overwhelmed him and want to respect his need for space, but I also wish I had the opportunity to hear what he wanted to tell me after briefly informing me he finally took me up on seeking professional help. I have so much love and care for him and hope that he’s well, and I hope that he believed me when I said, “I don’t give up on people I love.” and that he’ll never successfully push me away. I respect myself enough to do better and not cling onto unhealthy connections, but being a former avoidant myself I’m aware of how they navigate.
A lot of people hate avoidants because of their attachment style and coping mechanisms, and I don’t fault them. It’s only easier for me to be compassionate because I’m more secure and was in that position myself. I want to reach out to him so bad but I’ll leave things as they are and will continue wishing him well from afar.
Night shifts are absolutely brutal. Your manager was unprofessional sending that message in a group chat. The system is broken, not you. Your reaction is completely valid. Take care of yourself first, the job will still be there. And I mean it, please do take care for yourself first, it's super important 💖
You're definitely not a failure. Night shifts are rough even without autism, the constant pressure, unexpected situations, and having to be 'on' all the time. People don't realize how much energy it takes just to mask and process everything happening around you. When you're overwhelmed, everything feels ten times harder. Your brain is probably in survival mode right now. The shaking is your body's way of releasing stress. Sometimes stepping back is the smartest thing you can do. Your worth isn't measured by how much work you can handle in one shift. You did your best with the resources and energy you had available. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about that. Take all the time you need to reset. The work will still be there when you're ready
I can really relate to the overwhelming feelings you're describing, even though my experience is a lil different. As someone working in customer service, I often find myself in situations where the pressure becomes unbearable. For me, overwhelm starts with headaches and sleep problems, but it was much worse when I first started working because, like you, I was the biggest people pleaser. Looking back, I realize how unsustainable the people-pleasing approach was. No matter how hard I tried, there were still people who didn't like me or tried to belittle me, so eventually I realized: what was the point? And the answer came somehow on its own: it doesn't make sense
People walked all over me, especially the management. I did a lot of work for them and they were always rude to me and would point out small mistakes I made
We've had a team change a long time ago and it's been a little easier because the new people are really nice! I was even surprised at the time. But the main lesson I learned was to never let anyone else treat me like that again
Now for your situation, you are downplaying your contribution! From what I understand, it was a busy night and you did the best you could. That's pretty damn good! You should be proud of that! Your manager is a jerk, blaming you without knowing what's going on. Without you, the place would have been such a mess, can you imagine? The important thing is that you know you did your best, so don't blame yourself. In case no one else has told you, I'm proud of you! Very, very proud of you! I know that mental struggles can add another layer of difficulty to everything, so being kind to yourself is the very important thing you need to learn
the weight of expectations (both from yourself and from others) can be crushing. setting boundaries doesn't make us less dedicated or capable, though it often feels that way. i usually try to lose myself in games when something overwhelming happens, wht about you tho? where do you find yourself seeking comfort?
I'm on the spectrum too, and I want to give you a big virtual hug (only if you like hugs, of course!)
The world can feel really mean sometimes, can't it? But I promise you something, the world isn't all bad. It's just that sometimes we need to find our own little corner in it. It's okay to feel overwhelmed. It's okay to cry. It's okay to need time off
Being a people pleaser is like having a super big heart, but sometimes we need to save some of that kindness for ourselves
Can I tell you what helped me? I started keeping a happy journal. Whenever something good happens, even tiny things like seeing a pretty bird or having a nice cup of tea, I write it down. On bad days, I read these notes and remember that good things exist
You're not letting anyone down by taking care of yourself. The world needs people like you, people who care deeply, who notice details. And I know right now everything feels dark, but remember, even the longest night ends with a sunrise (that's sound so cheesy geez haha)
Take all the time you need to rest and heal. The world will still be here when you're ready to jump back in 🌟
@Feeling Fine! oh my gosh, I'm not the OP but wow... I really needed to hear all of this today! Seriously, your words somehow managed to heal a part of me I didn't even know needed healing lol! I've been struggling with similar feelings lately, and reading your response made me feel so seen and understood. And the happy journal that's such a beautiful idea! You're so right about saving kindness for ourselves, I always forget to do that. Thank you 💕
@Feeling Fine! оh my goodness, I love the idea of adding little treasures to the journal! I never thought about that! You're literally changing my whole perspective on journaling right now 😂 I always thought I was bad at keeping journals because I never knew what to write, but making it about happy stuff and adding little memories sounds so much more fun! Can I ask, do you ever have days where you feel like nothing good happened? I get stuck in that mindset and it's hard to snap out of it
@Feeling Fine! ughh, you just get it! Wandering walks sound so much better than sitting still trying to empty my mind lol (like, how does anyone even do that?). I actually tried your tiny wins idea today, I wrote down that I remembered to water my plant (which is honestly a miracle because that poor plant has seen some rough days!). It felt kind of silly at first, but then I realized these little things are actually pretty important? They're proof we're trying and living and doing our best
@Meg Waaaaitttt this makes my heart soso happy! 😭
Want to know something funny? I actually started my happy journal because my therapist suggested it, and I thought it was super silly at first. But now it's like my little treasure box of good moments!
And hey, if you want to start one too, here's a tiny tip: I keep mine right by my bed, so even on really bad days, I can just reach over and find something to smile about. I even stick little things in it, like pretty leaves or ticket stubs from nice days out!!
@Meg Of course I have those nothing-good days! That's totally normal!
Want to know my secret for those days? I go super tiny with it, like, microscopic tiny! Sometimes my entry is just my coffee was the perfect temperature or I saw a person with mismatched socks or even I managed to get out of bed today (because some days, that's a huge win!)
I also do what I call wandering walks where I just notice things, it's like meditation for people who can't sit still
That feeling of being defeated and anxious is something I understand deeply 🥲 The world can feel isolating when we're struggling, but there is always something good that we're not seeing! If you can find even one thing that can make you smile, it's already a win!
I don't understand why some people have to be so mean. Like, your manager could have easily sent you a private message or just said things in a nicer way. They didn't have to call you out in front of everyone in the group chat. That's just being rude for no reason. At the end of the day, it's just a job. What could be so super important that they had to make you feel bad about it? Everyone has tough days and shifts where things don't go as planned. That's just.. normal.
My advice would be to try and take life a bit less seriously. Everything is kind of crazy anyway and we're all just trying to figure it out as we go. You can't make every single person happy no matter how hard you try, trust me, I've learned this the hard way! But there's one person you 100% can make happy, and it's YOU! Focus on making yourself happy first. Do things that make you feel good. Life's too short to let work stress eat you up like this. Try to make at least a little time each day to do something nice for yourself
@Kay Hicks what you said really hit home. I honestly started respecting myself after I realized that no one will ever respect me as much as I respect and love myself. It sounds weird but it's true. Right now, I won't tolerate any disrespect that comes my way. But I used to let people walk all over me at work too, but then I realized I'm worth so much more than that. It's like, once you start standing up for yourself, people actually notice and treat you different. You gotta be your own best friend first, you know what I mean? And yeah, it's scary at first, but it gets easier every time you do it
@Kay Hicks yes! When you start standing up for yourself, some people might not like it at first because they're used to pushing you around. But that's actually a good thing because it shows you who really supports you and who was just taking advantage. At my last job, I had this supervisor who always dumped extra work on me last minute. When I finally started saying no to staying late, she got all huffy about it. But my real friends at work were like "good for you!" It's pretty eye-opening when you start setting those boundaries. And honestly, my anxiety got so much better when I stopped trying to please everyone all the time
@robertlee.1968 that's exactly what I'm talking about! We spend so much time trying to make everyone else happy that we forget about ourselves. And you're so right about the self-respect thing, it's like a superpower once you figure it out!
I remember when I first started setting boundaries at work, I was super nervous about it. But then I realized that the world didn't end just because I said "no" to something. Actually, people started taking me more seriously. It's kind of amazing how that works, right? When you show people how you expect to be treated, they usually follow your lead. And even if they don't, at least you know you're being true to yourself
@robertlee.1968 we create all this stress for ourselves trying to keep everyone happy, when half the time those people aren't even thinking about us. I used to lose sleep worrying about what others thought of me, but now I'm like whatever, as long as I'm doing my job right and staying true to myself
PLEASE know that you're not a failure, you're dealing with a workplace that isn't accommodating your needs properly. There's no shame in needing time to recover
Hi! I work in retail, and I get this so much. The feeling of being overwhelmed and that crushing anxiety is something I understand all too well. It's like being caught between wanting to do everything perfectly and realizing that's just not humanly possible. What helps me is remembering that we're all human and making mistakes is part of life. Setting boundaries, while scary at first, is essential for mental health. What kind of support system do you currently rely on outside of work?
the management style seems problematic, public criticism is never constructive. the burnout is a serious matter that many workplaces fail to understand properly. you have to set clear boundaries at your work. and know that your worth isn't tied to your work. you are worthy of respect no matter what
can you look for other places to work while you are still working here? the right workplace environment exists, it might just take time to find it. focus on recovery first, then consider your next steps calmly
if you need to talk to anyone, i'm here, love ✨