I know what your partner is talking about. He can’t be the only source of meaningful social interactions. His suggestion is very healthy and will help save and strengthen your relationship in the long term. You need to learn to cope with your emotions independently. If you always emotionally rely on your partner, you’ll overwhelm him at some point. That “alone time” will help you both recharge and relieve stress. Don’t be afraid of it, give it a try
Think of it differently. Now you’re literally caged in one apartment (or house, whatever). You don’t have an opportunity to start missing each other or fully appreciate the special time you’re spending together. Once you spend some time separately, you’ll find more joy in reuniting. You just need to find your favorite pastimes.
How about visiting your family or taking up some sport (dancing, yoga and the like)?
Friends are as important as having a relationship. Trust me, you may need them if things go haywire. When we focus on one thing too much we invest everything in it. It’s like putting all your eggs in one basket; easy but risky. I sincerely recommend you to see a therapist about your codependency problem. Counselling helped me a lot to re-learn living for myself and my own interests. You might need a friendly, professional nudge to get out of isolation and come to terms with your feelings and fears. Therapy can do that.
Hey, don’t do things you don’t want to. If you don’t feel like reconnecting with your old friends, it’s all right. When I was careless about my friendships and lost touch with people for years, it felt awkward to come back and say hi. It’s just as good to start over, look for communities that correspond to your hobbies, and make new acquaintances and friends. I’m sure even introverts enjoy some good company!
As much as it feels bad, you should know what your partner is trying to do is reasonable. If you’re arguing more now, it’s definitely a sign you both need some space. Your partner can’t be your lifeline all the time. If you like reading, there’s a book “Codependency no more”, might be your cup of tea.
Being with other people is your boyfriend’s need that you have to meet if you want this relationship to last. It may look like rejection or distancing from you but that is not so. He cares about your relationship, and his suggestion to try and do something about your issues definitely shows that he wants to be with you. Take it as a compromise and an opportunity for self-growth. You did live somehow before you met your boyfriend! It’s time to remember what you loved doing. Perhaps it’s not a walk in the park or a night out with friends. It may be going to concerts and cinemas, taking cooking classes, or some self-care time like spas etc.
@Lucia Martinez It’s hard to make new friends at 32. I’m inclined to think that it’ll be easier to learn to enjoy time on my own rather than try to socialize. I have been seeing a therapist for a while actually. But we talk mostly about my childhood and my family aspirations. Maybe I need to start talking about my friendships too?
@sk8ter Of course, I understand it’s reasonable and much needed. I’m just feeling a little insecure and at a loss what to do with my free time. I’m also worried that the only weekend left will be spent on daily chores which is not romantic at all. And we’ll lose our connection even further.
@Helena Thank you for your reply! Yes, that’s exactly how I feel about my friends. I’ve missed so many important milestones, like them getting married and having babies… I feel selfish, and at the same time I was doing what my heart was telling me to do. I didn’t need anyone but my partner, and now he says he needs more than just us.
@RarePanther You can make friends at any age! It only hurts you when you lock yourself in and don’t let others into your life. Listen, when my last relationship ended (it lasted for 7 years), I was so thankful I’d restored my social life outside my relationships. I had a whole network of supportive friends to fall back on. Can’t imagine what it would have been like if I’d had to deal with it on my own. Life is long, and it’s best not to spend it on your own. Start a new hobby, join clubs, do all it takes to feel wholesome and self-confident. That will immensely help your relationships too!
You need to realise why you rely so much on that one person. You need to identify the root cause of why do you depend so much on only one person.
#why have you had validation issue in the past? has anything happened in the past which made had an effect on your morale?
# now its husband you are co-dependent on but previously who was it?
# when did this feeling start of expecting some one to come and save you?
# is it possible to get in contact with any of your friends? what is stopping you from establishing a communication with them?
# When you say i dont think i feel the need for friends? Did you ever not feel relaxed with your friends? How was your rapport with your friends?
# Did you ever have any other relationship in the past including any friend you were extremely dependent on, felt attached to, shared everything with that person.
Till you don't find the root cause you will not be able to address this issue. so answer these questions honestly to know why you have this feeling and what instigates this feeling. Self awareness is required here.
# I felt proud of myself when?
# My parents, husband and friend admire me for for my (write down the qualities atleast 5):
# 3 unique things about me are?
Improve negative self talk and negative thinking patterns that are holding you back and affecting your relationships.
I suggest your partner has been your main support for a long time. It's understandable that you're afraid of losing this support now. Imagine a chair that only has one leg. What happens to it if it loses that leg? It would topple over.
In a romantic relationship, it's easy to become dependent on a partner (to some extent, it's even normal), especially if it felt like something was lacking before. I understand there may have been some unmet needs for love in your past or parts of yourself that need healing. It's really good that you attend therapy, and I hope it helps with this.
It's important to understand the value of building extra support for yourself, in order to have things to rely on, if something goes wrong in the relationship or when your partner is distant. Once you figure out what you're lacking and the root of your codependency, start slowly building that support.
The more "legs" or support you have, the easier it will be to manage difficult situations. It can also be beneficial for your relationship as enjoying time by yourself and having seperate interests can make time spent together even more valuable.
You can ask yourself, what are other areas where the needs for love, care and validation can be met? For example, you can look at these 4 areas:
1. Your own internal world. Self-validation and the ability to show up for yourself is mostly important. Remember things you like about yourself or that you're grateful to yourself for and write them down - no matter how big or small. For example, "I'm grateful to myself for taking care of my mental health" or "I'm a good listener." Focus on your strengths and remind yourself of them every day.
Listen to music that makes you feel like yourself and dance to it while paying attention to how your body moves - it might help you reconnect with yourself. Think about your dreams and values unrelated to your partner (e.g. traveling the world, helping others, etc). Also write them down so you can remind yourself about them from time to time.
Give yourself care. Consider any needs you've neglected - physical or emotional. Perhaps you need more sleep, better nutrition, a relaxing bath, exercise. Basically, implement self-care practices into daily life.
2. Your hobbies. If you don't have any hobbies right now, it can be useful to remember what you liked doing before and do it in your free time. Perhaps, try something new, like taking a dancing, an art class, learning a language. By trying something new, listen to yourself and feel what resonates with you. Think of how you can expess yourself through creative outless - like writing, drawing, taking photographs or making videos - and start with something small (like going for a walk and taking a few pictures or getting one of the paint-by-number kits). Not only it may help you enjoy yourself while you're away from your partner, you can also feel more confident about creating or accomplishing something and even sharing it with the world, if you feel like it.
3. Other relationships. If it's possible, reconnect with a friend or a family member, or a few of them. Just start with a simple message, asking them how they are, and extend from there, possibly offering a meet up. Even if you feel like your partner is your best friend, it's very important to have other people in our lives who we can connect, share our thoughts and feelings with. You might want to try getting to know someone through work, classes or social events too. Just give it a try, looking at this as an opportunity to see what thoughts and ideas others might have to offer.
4. Your professional life. Think of what your career goals are, if you're satisfied with your current role. Maybe there's something to work on, a book to read, or courses to improve qualifications. During work, try to fully focus on tasks. Think if there are any ways you can express yourself (for example, by offering ideas, or approaching a task creatively).
Look at these 4 areas and write down at least 3-5 specific things you can do in the near future (e.g. doing a 10 minute morning exercise, having coffee with an old college roommate, starting reading a book you've been wanting to, etc.). Start by taking small steps to slowly build them into your life. Over time, it will become easier.