The heartbreaking part about surviving narcissistic abuse is that your body never forgets. Not the pain, not the sorrow. That trauma follows you into every relationship formed and sometimes destroy them. If it’s something I knew sooner, it’s that your body will communicate through sickness. At the time of dating and even after escaping my covert narcissist ex, my intuition tried to warn me but I ignored it.

First, there was this pervasive sensitivity of anxiety; waking up anxious with a constricting feeling in my chest. My upper body felt stiff and the sensation lingered throughout the days. Then, I gradually lost interest in doing things that brought me pleasure followed by loss of appetite. The emotional turmoil that ensued was the worst of it all for me as someone who already struggles with emotional regulation as I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It can only be described as “dysphoric mania”, something I discovered after Googling my experience. I’d have intense feelings of euphoria one moment and crash hard from depression the next. The overall, impending feeling of doom and dread hovered over me until I escaped and took legal and sought professional support.

I was fortunate to transform that pain into power, but now I’m experiencing it all over again just with my new romantic interest. We met a little over a month ago at a concert where we exchanged info and immediately started talking and going on dates. For the most part, everything has been well. Any time he’d say or do something that would provoke discomfort I’d create a safe space for us to have open communication and converse about it. While he’s been receptive for the most part, the longer we remain in contact the worse the feeling gets. I know this isn’t unprovoked hypervigilance because I’ve been in therapy, performed enough body scans regularly and developed discernment to know when it’s my intuition and not anxiety. And I promised myself if at any point my heart and mind are confused on a person, I’d listen to my body and my body is telling me I’m unsafe.

I’ve never been one to ghost because I don’t condone unless the person is reasonably threatening to another’s safety, but I’m contemplating because alarm bells are going off and I don’t want to fuck around and find out anything I can save myself from. I’m going to speak more with my therapist about it but today and the rest of this week I’m going to continue practicing self care and giving myself grace. To anyone who might be experiencing something similar, please don’t make the mistake I did. Listen to your body, listen to your intuition.

If you’re “randomly” coming down with colds, experiencing headaches, feel drained or loss of appetite, have no pleasure in your interests and feel yourself becoming isolated, this is your intuition and body trying to communicate something is wrong. Of course it looks different for everyone but do not take your safety and wellbeing for granted. If it’s available, considering contacting a professional.

Listening to your body and intuition could save your life so if you suspect someone you’re seeing or are romantically interested in is “off”, especially in indescribable ways, be wary.