Since you say your family is religious, I guess you were raised with religious education and dogmas in mind? Can it be that non-traditional (non-cis-gendered) relationships feel wrong to your subconscious mind? I think you need to find peace with yourself about that. I don’t know why therapy didn’t help you; it might be good to talk to someone about your anxiety and guilt. We’re all “programmed” in childhood when we’re little, and family members have a great influence on us. A lot of later problems stem from our childhood!
In my experience, communication is the key. If you tell your partner you’re anxious, it’ll make them aware of it and explain your behavior, while you’ll feel relieved and understood. You may ask her to lead and follow her directions. There’s no shame in being inexperienced, and if your girlfriend comes from a more liberal background, she’ll appreciate you being open and honest with her about your feelings.
I’m not an expert: AFAIK, there is such a thing as clinical sexology. So basically sex therapists deal with this kind of issues.
Can you think of what exactly makes you anxious? Is it nakedness, the fact that your partner is a woman, or something else?
@smartinsomniac Guess it’s all of it. I feel totally insecure, and perhaps some part of me still thinks: what will my parents say? Even though I’ve told them months ago I was lesbian and their reaction was not as bad as I’d anticipated...
Your anxiety is not a question of experience level. The more I feel for someone, the more pressure I usually feel about how to make things perfect. The fear of messing up or doing something wrong has stopped me many times.
It all comes down to realizing that sex is not about always reaching climax or being skilled. It’s about sharing warm, highly personal moments together and laughing at awkward things. Once you realize it, the pressure is gone, and you learn to enjoy yourself and your body.
It's understandable to feel anxious about intimacy, especially if you come from a religious background and haven't been physically intimate with a girl before. These feelings are normal.
Instead of judging yourself, try accepting your anxieties with compassion. Notice any worried thoughts that arise before or during an intimate moment, or even when you just think about it. Write them down to identify patterns. Ask yourself what you're specifically afraid of. Could it be that you're afraid of not knowing what to do, disappointing your partner or being judged by others, including your family? Were there any traumatic experiences in the past related to the matter?
Once you've pinpointed the cause of it, you can have a better understanding of how to approach this.
For example, if you're worried about disappointing your partner, have an open and caring conversation with her. Assure her you want to work through this together. Commuication is important because it brings understanding into the relationship and removes the distance. If you're afraid to be judged, reflect on why external opinions are important to you. Imagine, for example, what happens if your parents find out about this, how it will affect you - and if there's anything you can do to reduce this anxiety, like having a talk with them about this relationship if it feels like a safe option or just asking them how would they potentially feel if you would be in this kind of relationship.
I suggest taking it slow for now. Explain to your girlfriend that you enjoy being with her and want to take the physical aspect step-by-step. Start by getting compfortable with each other's bodies, beginning with affectionate touching for instance, staying in your comfort zone. Then progress gradually, as you feel ready. If at any point you feel uncomfortable, just communicate it openly to your partner. The goal is not to rush intimacy, but to create deeper understanding and trust between you, so you can eventually enjoy the intimacy without anxiety.
Hi,
I want you to answer this honestly :
# what do you think about intimacy in general
# Were there specific beliefs imposed on you that are manifesting now in your fear of being intimate or getting closer with her in public?
# what things you need to unlearn from these beliefs rooted in your past to make you comfortable ahead in your life?
# What is the idea of romance that appeals to you specifically?
Answering these questions will help you to introspect your anxiety, unlearn things which is creating hindrance in your relationship.
Once you do this talk to your partner about it. You need to explain her your anxiety as understanding, expressing each other's need and desire only bonds and strengthens relationship intimacy