Has anyone ever experienced their body shutting down out of the blue, seemingly for no reason? Like you’re going through an attack, but it’s not how panic attacks are usually described (hyperventilation, breathing fast, etc.), it’s the opposite. It has happened about 5 times to me, always in the evening when I’m preparing for sleep or am lying in bed. I noticed it starts with this weird tingling feeling that I associate with intense physical efforts like running a marathon, when the last bits of energy are floating out of you and the body is preparing to get a deserved rest. But it doesn’t feel like drifting to sleep. My body sorta freezes while my mind is still fully awake and I can sorta watch my body from above. I can feel my breathing getting slower by the minute, and I instinctively begin to breathe through my mouth for fear of being choked from no oxygen. I try to keep my eyes open because I’m scared that if I fall asleep in such a state I’ll certainly die… Yet my brain is willing to go into sleep mode, which makes me fight with myself and fight with this terror that something’s wrong with my body. My vision gets blurry and my head lightheaded. If I try to get up and walk the room I can’t fully shake off the dizziness and extreme anxiety akin to panic (but again, not quite), the room sorta zooming away from me. I can’t describe it in any other way but tunnel vision as I can’t focus on anything in the room besides what’s right in front of me. My hearing gets muddied and I eventually have to sit back or lie down on the bed because otherwise I’ll pass out.

I’m seriously scared there might be something wrong, and not only with my mind. I wonder if this could be disassociation gone too far or some sort of a pre-stroke condition? It makes me dizzy and nauseated, and I’m scared to fall asleep for many more hours afterwards. The last time this happened during the day when I was about to lie down and watch movies for a couple of hours. Basically, it always happens when I’m about to relax, nothing seemingly worrying me, that’s why I’m positive it’s not a panic attack.

Can it be the body’s reaction to stress? The first two times when it happened I was staying with my stepparent who is going through rehabilitation after surgery, and those were super stressful days and nights. I thought it might be my body’s way to tell me it needs a rest or some medical help. However, I’m on antianxiety meds now, and it happened three more times since. I would really like it to go away, it scares the shit out of me. Am I the only one with these weird conditions??

A lot of the time, people hear “social media influencer” and think of brand ambassadors and celebrities. More often than not, people will also roll their eyes when said influencers complain about hardships they experience because content creation is often associated with entitled rich people who have no self-awareness or faces challenges like that of the average person. That’s understandable, but what a LOT of people don’t know is that being a content creator isn’t as luxurious as they believe.

There’s this misconception that EVERY social media influencer (or person with a platform) is “rich” or financially stable enough to survive off their earnings which is FALSE. How do I know? Because I’M a content creator and have been financially struggling even AFTER coming into a platform. My situation isn’t an isolated case, either. Statistically speaking, in order to be considered an “influencer”, a user must have 500K followers MINIMUM across their platforms, and I’m only a little less than half. Additionally, every sponsor is different. With my circumstances, I only receive 10% of commission IF a person uses my referral link and discount code during checkout.

I don’t have many sponsors but that’s for a reason. If I’m going to collaborate with a company, I do extreme research because I don’t want to promote a brand that’s harmful or negatively impacts the environment, community, etc. While my content is very versatile, I try to send the overall message of spread kindness, creativity and education.

I love being content creator because I have the opportunity to educate, entertain and encourage younger black and brown creatives with my content which is a personal mission statement I chose for myself, but the disadvantages make it exhausting. Platforms are constantly hiding black and brown creators content which means we have to work twice as hard. There’s also a lot of racism and discrimination within fandom spaces which is why I have comment filters enabled because every day I wake up, I have bigots calling me slurs. I have to deal with queer phobia, fetishising and other derogatory remarks. I have people assuming I’m “intimidating” because of my platform or believe I’m entitled because most media influencers are. Don’t even get me started on the defamation of character I experienced that started over another person’s envy.

I’m hesitant to collaborate with other creators because I’ve had to continuously disassociate with people who’ve been outed as abusers and predators in the recent past. I’m wary to befriend other creators because I’ve had people take advantage of my kindness and only see me for my platform and not as a person. After being DOXED by a former friend who was jealous I came into a platform, I acquired stalkers who TO THIS DAY, continue to harass me. It’s exhausting.

The anxiety inducing thing about it all is that the more my platform grows, the more my privacy shrinks. I’ve lost friends and relationship partners because of stalkers and people from my platform being invasive, prying into my private life even when it wasn’t publicised, and as a result I stopped sharing milestones of my recovery. I’m being recognised in public and other places I frequent which makes me fearful for my safety. I am not a celebrity or someone with extreme notoriety for me to experience any of this and it’s incredibly frustrating because when I try to be vulnerable about my frustrations, people downplay the seriousness of it.

I don’t know about anyone else, but it doesn’t feel good to vocalise distress about being followed and for a majority of responses to be, “That means you’re famous!” or “that’s so cool, I wish I had stalkers!” Yes I can delete and filter negative or derogatory comments, and yes I can disconnect and take breaks from media. I do it frequently to preserve my mental and emotional health. What I can’t do however is put the stalking to an end and pursue legal action to ensure that.

I don’t want to be hyper vigilant or over analytical of everything because that fear can deprive me of a lot of opportunities. I do my best to keep a clear mind and open heart but repeatedly experiencing traumatising situations in real time triggers me beyond belief. I love being a “social media influencer” but it’s exhausting.

After some thought and heavy consideration, I’ve made the difficult decision to disconnect from the few people I wanted to call friends. Not because of trivial matters like petty drama or an extreme fallout, but simply because I’ve outgrown them and want to surround myself with different people.

While reflecting, I’ve come to realise a lot of the connections made were built on the foundation of trauma, common interests such as art, anime and general creativity aside. Prior to therapy and support workshops I’d meet people online and in fandom spaces where we bonded over traumatic events in our lives, but over the years I’ve found myself becoming distant.

I’m constantly working to improve myself and my situation, and as I’m navigating different challenges I’m learning something new every day. I have so much love and care for the people I called friends but it doesn’t seem like they’re ready to tackle their hardships head on. And that’s okay, but I want to be surrounded by people who are just as motivated to change the course of their lives as I am.

It’s all about perspective and as I grow, I’m seeing a shift. My glass isn’t half empty, it’s half full, and I’ll continue pouring into it. I understand the challenges of recovery and the discomfort it’ll bring but I’m okay with it. My now ex friends feel otherwise, and that’s okay, but that’s not the energy I want to surround myself with.

“Rewrite and start again.” Lyrics from a song titled “Storytelling” by an independent musician named AfterTheParty. While I love most of his work, this particular song [currently] resonates with me because I'm doing just that. Rewriting and starting again. I’m re-establishing safety and re-defining what friendship looks like for me.

I am the author of my story and I dictate what each page of events will detail. I decide who will be chapters in my life instead of paragraphs and will write a book worth reading, a story worth telling. Starting over is often perceived as a bad thing but that’s not true. Sometimes it’s realising your energy would be better applied elsewhere and recognising your limitations.

Outgrowing people hurts, but it’s apart of life.

Hi everyone!

My name is Kimberly, I am 27 years of age, and I have come to terms with the Story God is writing where my name is concerned.

For the past 27 years life has really been a journey for my, especially with my relationship with God, this supernatural being who shows me that my emotions are being manipulated for him to write the story he ordained for me before conception. I only came to terms with what has been happening after the fact that God revealed it to me. It's really a relationship where I mimic how he wants me to feel and what he wants me to say and do in order to carry his story forward, yes I've been raped, got into fights, arguments, partying, diseases the whole negative works. But I've also felt happiness, love, peace, kindness and the whole positive works. God has been working really hard to give me the balance his will for my life deserves. He is an extreme powerful and well put together God, with that being said he designed this world in a way where he can write dimension of stories and only reveal what he wants his characters to see at that particular time. And because he is the Big, Amazing, Supreme God aka Author, it makes us look at people/humans in either a good or bad image; when in fact it is him working through everyone to accomplish his Will. We are just an embodiment of his words, he is the pen and we are the paper. So we can cry, steal, curse, smile, hug, kiss, kill. God knows exactly what he is doing and us knowing the truth would not stop what he has already plan from going forward.

Anyhow I shared this within this community because my friends and family think I'm mentally ill for saying what I mentioned above. But I want to say MY truth and not what PEOPLE want me to say. This is the stage of my story that I have reached and I'm proud about it. Thanks for listening! :) <3