its been a long time but i need your pov on a situation i dont know what this person think of me:
[[no need to read everything most important are in this blocks]]
i gave freebies at an event and a guy dmed me right after to thank me
we started to talk and he asked a bit abt me
we discovered we liked a lot of things in common/had same humor by saying the same jokes at the same time/experiences and values
for me it been 7 years i didnt invest in a new connexion after my abuse so it felt good
he started to ask deep questions kinda fast thats how i said i was aroace and he said he didnt wanna love anymore after his breakup 5 months ago causing him depression
lets be friends!
he asked for my other socials and wow every day we were talking the vibe was so cool as if it was me as a boy kinda
its not just on surface its also deep
he shared abt his insecurities
he is rly interested into knowing abt my problems and everyday life
the support is mutual
he wanna include me in his life by immediately introducing me his friends
wanna see me every weeks
i got attached really fast tbh to the point i felt better i even wondered if it was my first crush but i wanted to hide it and hope it would disappear bc i was rly invested into our bond
but sadly my anxiety came back too... i was like fck i didnt heal and now im afraid to ruin this connexion
maybe its bc im afraid of not being appreciated bc i doubt abt me
or... is it bc there is some energy i cant quite comprehend?
[[like he flirts a lot, saying haha kiss me/marry me/pls cosplay as my wife
but he says its jokes, compliments my apperance in private and public, wanna see pics, like he made me notice the shape of my eyes no one ever did.
he is rly touchy but its comforting i rly like his hugs, its funny when he likes to tickle me, he likes to stroke my arms, poke me, playful energy.
but there are some stuff im not sure abt the message:
-he interwined his fingers with mines when we were walking
-while talking he sent a reel saying "i wanna be in a bed not in a sexual way to kiss and hug with someone and talk abt everything as i feel their skin on mine"
-he licked my ear by surprise when we were just him and i on a boat
-once he sent a one view pic of him in his bath but we could only see his face and part of his torso]]
i always replied totally clueless with humor etc
and i wonder if its this cognitive dissonance of different energy (boyfriend/friend) that confuses my nervous system bc he is actually not mean at all?? its just that i cant rly read him sometimes
ALL my friends got the same feeling abt him even tho no one knows each others or knew abt his behavior with me: "girl he wants more than a friendship"
like idk if he is jealous sometimes too
once he thought hearing a boy next to me in an audio and he said who is this asshole then said it was a joke
was concerned abt who i was going out with one afternoon
and once i posted an inside joke abt a fake ex (a singer i like) he removed me from his pv story and closed his instagram a few days but maybe it has nothing to do w me but his own issues.
i was afraid to talk abt it also bc i wasnt sure of why i had anxiety and also bc suddenly he said he was abt to date a girl he blocked back then (bc she acted bad)
i was like??? was i a toy all this time?? it hurt me...
and whats weird is that he fell back into depression right after
one day he didnt reply for more than 24h and i started to have again those toxic patterns i only had w ppl who manipulated me
i felt anxious so i just send one day that i wasnt ready to make new friends and needed some time not said more
1 month no contact it helped me at first but then i needed to confront him
[[i said i wasnt angry just needed clarity on what i was to him bc the blurr made me confused
a friend/a challenge/temporary/more?
he suddenly said i always had been a friend a word he never used until now.
and abt the behavior he had for the plausible ones he said it was just jokes he could have w his friends (that i never met) but the most confusing ones he said he didnt remember so i gave up.
but it also said blurry stuff:
-no no im not with this girl at all i wouldnt have been so physically close to you if i was dating her
-for me theres no line between friendship and love
-your friends rly got the right analyze abt the flirts but not in my case im different from others it wasnt like that
-if you tried smth i would have say stop bc i want non serious/casual and i imagine you wanting smth rly in deep love and sincere]]
huh?
i told him abt what i felt for him but just bc i wanted to get this out of my chest before disappearing
he asked a lot of questions abt if i had feelings tho but i just said thanks for listening to me
i thought we would ignore each other until the end
i still felt confused and down for days as if communicating didnt help me
until i randomly saw a vid abt a girl explaing she didnt have feelings abt her situationship guy but ocd ruminations and i understood i had this since the beginning and not a crush immediately felt better! as if i understood abt me
my trauma and his ambiguity activated confusion
[[but you know in this story what hurts me is not getting clarity
how does he see me am i a joke? just tell me bc i was okay w this dynamic im not mad at the actions its all the unsaid that made me doubt abt my worth]]
then one day he sent me a vid of him being at the place of our first meet and why???? I BETTER STOP IMAGINING ALL THIS
and i posted a pv story he liked in 7min and suddenly he totally disappeared again from instagram while he looked like still posting few days before WHY???
now i miss the friendship like a lot like i never felt it... bc of the unfinished
im stuck between i should forget him even tho it takes time and i dont wanna lose this amazing bond we had
