They label it “hyper independence”, I refer to it as being self-reliant.
They see it as having “trust issues”, I perceive it as people having issues with being truthful.
It’s incredibly infuriating how people are willing to deflect accountability and will accuse you of everything in the book when in actuality it’s just you calling them out on their shit. I know there’s a difference between isolation and holding space with yourself but because of recurring situations, I’m choosing to isolate. I’m isolating because I’m tired. I’m tired of experiencing the same shit and I’m tired of meeting the same, unhealed people just in different situations.
I’m not “hyper independent” because I have no problem asking for help when I REALLY need it, but I recognise everything starts with me and that I’m the only person with the power to change the circumstances of my situation. If I wait around for others then nothing will get done. Opportunities don’t just fall into a person’s lap, they have to create them, and every day I’m putting in my best effort to ensure I create as many as possible.
I don’t have trust issues because I possess discernment and accept people for who they are. When they show me their true colours, I don’t feel the need to repaint or attempt to change them. I acknowledge that’s their character and act accordingly, even if it means separating myself indefinitely or permanently. What I DO take issue with is people lying to my face then playing victim when they experience the consequences of their actions.
Allowing myself emotional vulnerability is something I’m continuously working toward because growing up, I didn’t have a safe space to express myself. I didn’t have the support systems I have today but even now I still struggle because I only feel seen and supported in limited spaces such as therapy and workshop. The one time I tried reaching out for comfort from the few people I wanted to call friends, it went exactly how it did in the past and now I’m closing myself off.
I clarified that I was seeking support and not advice, but whether than listening they either: affirmed me where I wasn’t looking to be, didn’t understand or it turned into them venting about their problems and me comforting them. While I recognise they aren’t intentionally being malicious, it doesn’t change that it hurts. I’ve already talked to them about this but where I’m at now, even knowing it’s a trauma response, I feel so much more comforted in isolation. This isn’t going to change me being vulnerable when needed, but moving forward I have no intention of befriending, dating or creating relationships with anyone until I get other priorities in my life together.
So fuck it. Call me hyper independent and accuse me of having trust issues. Nobody understands my situation more than I do because I’m the person living through it. Whatever hardships I face, success I experience or accomplishments achieved, will all stay between me and my therapist. I understand that by choosing to isolate myself I’m damaging what little support I could receive outside of therapy and workshops but I’ll figure it out. I just don’t have the heart to continue being disappointed by people.
