This may seem too long to read but I am helpless and hopeless so just trying if any one can give me good perfect advice according to what I am dealing with or how can I get back into life being successful , earn money , that feeling of being loved again. I am completely new to sharing what I am suffering so don't mind if I seem too idiotic or stupid but that is how I feel. Mostly I think it has been my mistakes only because you can't blame anyone else if you have made your life not worth living because a lot of people suffer much more and they still stand tall. I don't know but I am suffering every day and just desperately want to get out of this stage of my life which has been too long. So writing here in just a ray of hope that someone will read this and understand and then give me some advice or atleast some consolation that things it still get better.

So here is the whole story :-

I am from India. And I used to be a very bright student in my school days. Always used to score better than almost everyone till the time I fell for a girl. Yeah it should not have happened but it did because I was a idiot. So after I fell for a girl who was too beautiful lovely and she had all the qualities ticked. We were into a relationship for almost 4 years. Just before my high school board exams she broke up with me. There was no cheating or seeing someone else. It was also not that we fell out of love for each other. It was just that we were not able to meet each other quite often because of coaching classes and all. But we used to talk over phone and texted each other a lot. That not meeting quite often started to create problems between us because it was that thing which always used to clear any fights or anything else from our relationship equation. Then that distance grew and the fights started more and more and she broke up with me before the high school board exams. She loved me and I loved her a lot too but somehow I was not left capable enough after breakup to study for the exams.

And then started my downfall. I failed in my board exams because I was not able to study. I did not cared for anything which was happening that time. All in my mind was just her.

I started drinking smoking which I never even thought of. Then she left for another city for college. She somehow realised her mistakes too and she wanted to get back with me. She also gave a lot of signs that she wants to get back with me. But there was this thing which I felt guilty about always from the day I knew it. It was that somehow when we used to kiss and get too close few of those times I got too excited and ended up with upsetting her. I knew that I did wrong but all this with the growing distance between us made her slightly hate me I guess or just angry.

That excitement thing never was the issue when she got into college and tried to get back with me again but that guilt never left me that I have hurt that one who I loved most after my parents. Even if it was not a big issue. So I always thought even when she tried to get back with me that I will end up upsetting her only. Also I was too much into self depressing mode that I didn't even noticed her signs of let's get back together. Now after a year or so she got busy and settled well into the new city so made friends and all but we always used to be in touch. Sometimes we used to call and chat with each other. Also whenever she used to come back in a year we used to meet every year.

After a gap of year I also started engineering course but she was always in my mind. I used to think that once I will get better I will tell her everything. And which I did but then it was too late.

Now starts the real downfall in my life.

The thing which gave me hope all those years was gone now. So now I started smoking pot day night anytime. Same with alcohol. Then came hard drugs.

I spent all my parents hard earned money on these things which were not making me better but on the contrary I was drowning. Drowning in guilt shame and also the effects which I was having with the heavy usage of those drugs.

College ended and I ended too with no job.

Then I quit all of it for months and tried to take control of my life. Get a job earn money gain confidence which got so low because of the drugs and all the feelings in which I was not interested anymore. Needless to say even though I got opportunities to get a gf again I was not over her so I did not even tried to get to say even yes to anyone.

Then again started a period of heavy drug abuse.

Relapses happened again and again because whenever I got sober I started getting dreams almost on a daily basis of her. I was not able to feel good any day because I always used to think what has happened should not have happened etc and needless to say I already was recovering from heavy drug abuse.

Now as I am sharing this I am fully sober for few months now but still with those dreams of her or where I am in my life suffering with no job no money even though I am 27 now. Low self esteem low confidence. She has got someone in her life who is very good looking and successful and she seems to be in perfect love story now. All I can think of is how I can get things to make work for me now ? How am I going to get my pride my confidence back ? How am I going to get fit again ? How am I going to get a good job ?

Just hopeless and full of despair is the condition of my life. Although it has been since a lot of years but the drugs used to get a escape route to me which I don't want now. But I want to see myself get back in life. Everything I had a dream of I want to fulfill those. But how ? Just how ?

If anyone is kind enough to read till the end and even think that I am a fool idiot dumba** which you are right I was, can you give some advices ? Help me out to get me help myself.

If you even read till the end I am very thankful to you.

My OCD is crippling and, as my psychologist said, it prevents me from living a full life. It has been with me for many years, while I haven’t even realized. I thought it was just general anxiety and overthinking. I’m afraid my brain is stuck in this loop forever, since it’s been like that for too long. I’ve read that, if untreated, some mental illnesses cause real changes in parts of the brain that will never be back to normal again. When I asked my psychologist about it, she shrugged it off, and now I’m worried she either didn’t want to scare me or she doesn’t know, LOL.

She tells me to make a goal, the destination we should come to. I don’t really know. I want to feel normal again, and I hate going to therapy, but some parts of my OCD are sort of parts of me now? Like, I have “safe” numbers (3, 5, 7..) and I avoid all the others. Which makes me re-check if my door is locked three times in a row, just because only three times does the trick. Yes, it’s silly, but it doesn’t hurt anyone? I can’t honestly say it makes me unhappy.

On the other hand, I hate constant worries about things that aren’t even possible, and I dream to get rid of those! I obsess over the smallest details until I’m completely out of energy. Having intrusive thoughts about bad stuff that happened years ago is dumb and emotionally draining. I almost feel I’d be OK with even all these things, if only I could get rid of the stress and constant anxiety they cost me.

I know some people say therapy helps them a bit with OCD, but it can’t be fully cured. I also believe that certain medications help, but I’m afraid of the side effects. Is it actually possible to recover your old self? I think I just need a little reassurance or happy stories, IDK...

TL;DR : I have trauma but i am the only one who can support my family, my family have problem with each other, my 2 brothers is unemployed at age 35 and my parents want them to look for a job. I need suggestion about path that i choose, do i ask my 2 brother to left house to gamble if they can look for a job, if fail then it will worsen my mother health. do i stay home but it will eat up my mental health and worsen my trauma? or should i go on a journey and left everything behind?

First thing first, let me introduce my family. me male 21 yo, have 3 brothers (35 yo male, 35 yo male, 40+ yo male), my mother is 59+ yo and my father is 65+ yo. Lets start off from me, I am a final year university student pursuing IT bachelor degree. I have a job with average salary, and have 2 another side job that didn't really pay much. fortunatelly my job is online (IT job and teaching assistant). I have my own share of physical and verbal traume from elementary to high school, from being gank up and beaten up by lot of students, one school and the teachers avoid me because i am "different" and others. Of course i still got the side effect from it, like chest pain, severe anxiety, severe shaking, etc, but i have been having this side effect too long and now i am kinda can hold it off (but not too long).

for my father, he has some dark past like gambling, leaving my mother and my brothers, etc (I only heard the story from my mother and my brothers). but recently my father is kinda responsible and want to fix things up, problem is he still have some pride, and doesnt want to show that he is sorry up front by saying it but only want to do it through his action like helping around.

My mother, supposedly traumatized by my father past, she really hate him. recently my mother always starting up fight because he suspect my father do some stuff and always reminding my father about his past, of course my father denied it. I dont know who to believe honestly, but what i know from my own analyzing is both of them is right and wrong. but my mother is having bad though about my father so she always starting up fight over small problem, though my father isn't so innocent because he sometime hide stuff to buy smoke. honestly i dont know which side is right.

now for my oldest brother, he is the sole income of our family. my father is retired and having lot of debts from the past, so my brother always fill up the money problem. sadly recently my oldest brother got cancer, after 2 years fighting it, he is dead. the last year of his medication, i was helping him plus giving economy support from my recent job. To the point i need to lent some money from credit card, but its not so much (max is my 1-2 months salary) so yeah i can recover. Note that at this point i still fresh learning about my job and i must do my own thesis, and luckily my team for thesis have their own share of problem (my teammate is gone, i cant contact them). so me helping my brother can be said because i cant go on for my thesis because i cant fill my team task. after my brother died, i can contact 1 of my friend (from 2) and he agreed to help but still has its own problem. after some months gone i finally can finish my thesis and in february i will be graduating. The way to finish my thesis is really though, i must babysit my friend so he doesn't give up and left again. Okay back to my oldest brother, because he is gone now i must be the one who will be the sole income of my family. such irony tho, i just got some job and i must help my brother medication then i must support my family.

now for my 2 brothers who is twin, they are 35 yo and they are unemployed with 0 experience. At this day in my country it is impossible to look for a job, and dont start recommending me to ask them to start their own job because they have pride and dont want to do low people job. i tried to tell them but always failed because i am the youngest and i cant handle conflict too much (side effect of my trauma and past). my parents is ashamed because of this and want me to help them look for a job, and its freaking impossible because i cant order them, i only can give them some pointer and THEY DIDN'T DO IT PROPERLY, THEY ONLY DO IT SO THEY LOOK LIKE THEY ARE TRYING. There is no fking way they will get a job with their attitude, their criteria, and especially their 0 skill and experience.

My mother gotten really sick these past months, especially after my oldest brother dying. my 2 brothers not having a job been a problem to my parents because my parents is ashamed, plus the impact of my oldest brother dying. Now that i almost finished my study, i have path that i must choose. before that let me explain the relationship between my family, lets split my 2 brothers into A and B. so my mother is having a bad relationship with my father and she said herself that she cant live with my father alone. My father is having bad relationship with A because some religious stuff, A and B have problem with each other, and i have problem with B because my brother frame me of something i didnt do, at first i didnt do anything because of i dont want to cause a scene in front of my parents but after that i got the after effect of it by having bad dream about it (everyone know tho if B is framing me, they didnt help me because B is really hysterical and its easier if i back down). do note tho i dont really have good relationship with A.

Now for a path i can choose, or maybe the path that i can think right now :

1. Act as a Villain, ask both of my brother to leave or i dont support the economy. doing so will gamble if my brother left the house then they will be forced to look for a job, or if they fail then it will worsen my mother health. I can try to cover it up, but i dont know how far i can cover it up.
2. Stay home, do nothing, only interfere when conflict happenning or try to do something? i dont know. One thing i know that it will eat my personality, my mental health, i must act as a saint and let my brothers bully me so he wont become hysteric.
3. Left house, goes on journey to cure my trauma. problem is i only have limited money, i dont know if i have enough money to go on journey, cure myself up, plus supporting my family. And i dont know what happen if i left my family alone.

I know i left lot out detail in here, feel free to ask if you want and i will try to answer. Looking forward to any suggestion, Thanks!

From the age of 13 (now 20),I experienced deep seated insecurity and dissatisfaction with the shape and appearance of my nose and it greatly impacted my self-esteem and overall self-image.I embarked on extensive measures to camouflage what I perceived as an unsightly and repulsive nose. Notably, my naturally curly hair became a target of transformation – I painstakingly straightened it in pursuit of adhering to the prevailing standard that straight hair was more attractive. This became a part of my comprehensive strategy to create a curtain-like effect, hoping my hair could serve as a diversion from my nose. My choice to position myself at the back of the classroom was intentional, an attempt to evade angles that exposed the hump on my nose. Even when I laughed, my immediate instinct was to shield my face, concealing the widening of my nostrils – and this very habit persists to this day. Frequently, I'd return home burdened by an overwhelming sense of distress over my appearance.

My dad, in his attempt to console me, resorted to comparisons between my nose and those of accomplished individuals. He invoked examples like Marie Antoinette and Barbara Streisand, emphasizing that these notable figures embraced their unique looks and still achieved considerable success. However, these comparisons offered little consolation, failing to alleviate the deep-rooted insecurities that plagued me. My envy of individuals with straight or smaller noses remained unwavering, leading me to yearn for an entirely different nose. Unfortunately, these feelings of shame and discontent culminated in a series of challenging situations. Throughout my formative teenage years, I spiraled into a profound state of emotional darkness, primarily as a consequence of this issue. My fixation on my nose escalated to an unhealthy and all-consuming extreme. I amassed an extensive collection of nose-centric images, which included close-ups extracted from my friends' Instagram posts. Proficient in photo editing, I subjected my own pictures to intricate alterations, attempting to craft a more favorable version of myself. I also ventured into drastic measures, including massaging my nose until it bled. I distinctly recall attending school with a visibly swollen nose as a direct result of these actions. In my endeavor to divert attention from my face, I threw myself into excessive exercise regimens, dedicated hours to meticulously selecting outfits designed to overshadow my nose, and even toyed with the idea of bying an unconventional "nose lifter" device online.

 Advancing to the present, post my rhinoplasty last year, I find myself still grappling with a prevailing sense of dissatisfaction. While the surgical procedure effectively addressed the hump on my nose, an all-encompassing sentiment of discontent continues to plague me. My family's patience has worn thin, as they urge me to redirect my energy towards more meaningful pursuits. Reflecting on the period prior to the surgery, my fixation on my appearance dealt a significant blow to both my academic and personal growth. Countless opportunities were forsaken, including the realization of my long-held aspiration to attend medical school. I now acknowledge that societal beauty standards played a substantial role in amplifying these deeply ingrained insecurities.I'm intricately involved in the process of reshaping my self-perception. I've come to understand that the act of comparing myself to others is fundamentally disrespectful to my inherent worth. In those moments when negative comparisons arise, I gently remind myself of individuals grappling with challenges far more significant than appearance-related concerns. I'm steadfastly committed to fostering a profound sense of gratitude for the blessings that I possess, irrespective of society's prevailing norms. Rather than seeking validation externally, I'm gradually cultivating self-compassion, treating myself with the same kindness and understanding that I instinctively extend to my loved ones. To counteract the lingering negativity that occasionally resurfaces, I'm intentionally redirecting my focus towards my unique talents and passions. I'm channeling my energy into endeavors I excel at and genuinely relish. I've begun to comprehend that my appearance is just one fragment of my multidimensional identity. I'm currently navigating the journey of embracing what I possess instead of yearning for what I lack. Through practicing mindfulness and gratitude, I've found a means to genuinely appreciate my body and exist more fully in the present moment. While I do occasionally find myself drawn into moments of comparison, it's no longer an overwhelming and all-consuming compulsion. In essence, I've reached a point of comprehension wherein I understand that my appearance merely constitutes a facet of my overall identity. I'm actively engaged in nurturing my body through healthier choices, occasionally enhancing my features with makeup, and curating a wardrobe that resonates with my personal style, irrespective of external validation. While I haven't fully conquered all the challenges posed by my self-perception, I'm gradually and resolutely progressing towards a healthier understanding of myself and a heightened sense of contentment.