Post
sm
smam
1y ago

How to save my family

TL;DR : I have trauma but i am the only one who can support my family, my family have problem with each other, my 2 brothers is unemployed at age 35 and my parents want them to look for a job. I need suggestion about path that i choose, do i ask my 2 brother to left house to gamble if they can look for a job, if fail then it will worsen my mother health. do i stay home but it will eat up my mental health and worsen my trauma? or should i go on a journey and left everything behind?


First thing first, let me introduce my family. me male 21 yo, have 3 brothers (35 yo male, 35 yo male, 40+ yo male), my mother is 59+ yo and my father is 65+ yo. Lets start off from me, I am a final year university student pursuing IT bachelor degree. I have a job with average salary, and have 2 another side job that didn't really pay much. fortunatelly my job is online (IT job and teaching assistant). I have my own share of physical and verbal traume from elementary to high school, from being gank up and beaten up by lot of students, one school and the teachers avoid me because i am "different" and others. Of course i still got the side effect from it, like chest pain, severe anxiety, severe shaking, etc, but i have been having this side effect too long and now i am kinda can hold it off (but not too long).


for my father, he has some dark past like gambling, leaving my mother and my brothers, etc (I only heard the story from my mother and my brothers). but recently my father is kinda responsible and want to fix things up, problem is he still have some pride, and doesnt want to show that he is sorry up front by saying it but only want to do it through his action like helping around.


My mother, supposedly traumatized by my father past, she really hate him. recently my mother always starting up fight because he suspect my father do some stuff and always reminding my father about his past, of course my father denied it. I dont know who to believe honestly, but what i know from my own analyzing is both of them is right and wrong. but my mother is having bad though about my father so she always starting up fight over small problem, though my father isn't so innocent because he sometime hide stuff to buy smoke. honestly i dont know which side is right.


now for my oldest brother, he is the sole income of our family. my father is retired and having lot of debts from the past, so my brother always fill up the money problem. sadly recently my oldest brother got cancer, after 2 years fighting it, he is dead. the last year of his medication, i was helping him plus giving economy support from my recent job. To the point i need to lent some money from credit card, but its not so much (max is my 1-2 months salary) so yeah i can recover. Note that at this point i still fresh learning about my job and i must do my own thesis, and luckily my team for thesis have their own share of problem (my teammate is gone, i cant contact them). so me helping my brother can be said because i cant go on for my thesis because i cant fill my team task. after my brother died, i can contact 1 of my friend (from 2) and he agreed to help but still has its own problem. after some months gone i finally can finish my thesis and in february i will be graduating. The way to finish my thesis is really though, i must babysit my friend so he doesn't give up and left again. Okay back to my oldest brother, because he is gone now i must be the one who will be the sole income of my family. such irony tho, i just got some job and i must help my brother medication then i must support my family.


now for my 2 brothers who is twin, they are 35 yo and they are unemployed with 0 experience. At this day in my country it is impossible to look for a job, and dont start recommending me to ask them to start their own job because they have pride and dont want to do low people job. i tried to tell them but always failed because i am the youngest and i cant handle conflict too much (side effect of my trauma and past). my parents is ashamed because of this and want me to help them look for a job, and its freaking impossible because i cant order them, i only can give them some pointer and THEY DIDN'T DO IT PROPERLY, THEY ONLY DO IT SO THEY LOOK LIKE THEY ARE TRYING. There is no fking way they will get a job with their attitude, their criteria, and especially their 0 skill and experience.


My mother gotten really sick these past months, especially after my oldest brother dying. my 2 brothers not having a job been a problem to my parents because my parents is ashamed, plus the impact of my oldest brother dying. Now that i almost finished my study, i have path that i must choose. before that let me explain the relationship between my family, lets split my 2 brothers into A and B. so my mother is having a bad relationship with my father and she said herself that she cant live with my father alone. My father is having bad relationship with A because some religious stuff, A and B have problem with each other, and i have problem with B because my brother frame me of something i didnt do, at first i didnt do anything because of i dont want to cause a scene in front of my parents but after that i got the after effect of it by having bad dream about it (everyone know tho if B is framing me, they didnt help me because B is really hysterical and its easier if i back down). do note tho i dont really have good relationship with A.


Now for a path i can choose, or maybe the path that i can think right now :

  1. Act as a Villain, ask both of my brother to leave or i dont support the economy. doing so will gamble if my brother left the house then they will be forced to look for a job, or if they fail then it will worsen my mother health. I can try to cover it up, but i dont know how far i can cover it up.
  2. Stay home, do nothing, only interfere when conflict happenning or try to do something? i dont know. One thing i know that it will eat my personality, my mental health, i must act as a saint and let my brothers bully me so he wont become hysteric.
  3. Left house, goes on journey to cure my trauma. problem is i only have limited money, i dont know if i have enough money to go on journey, cure myself up, plus supporting my family. And i dont know what happen if i left my family alone.


I know i left lot out detail in here, feel free to ask if you want and i will try to answer. Looking forward to any suggestion, Thanks!

Specialist answer
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26
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Depression
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Veena Choudhary
1y
Specialist

Helping your brother and your family is a good deed and shows your dedication towards the family.


Before you make any decision or to choose form the 3 options you have suggested. you need to question yourself following:


  • why do you feel only you can fix this problem?


  • why do you want to take the responsibility for your entire family? how long do you want to take it?


  • what do you mean by i don't want to leave the family to cover up my insecurity? what insecurities are you talking about?


  • why do you have a feeling something bad will happen to your family?


  • why are you helping them? is there any other underlying reasons? do you feel protected when you have family beside you? let me put it in this way bullying left a life long scar in your memory. did it make you feel powerless that you could not stand up for yourself and now standing up for your family and taking all the responsibility on your head gives you that powerful feeling, feeling that you can fight the problem, feeling of confidence which was lost after the incident. if that is the reason you need to first address this. you need to go to a therapist to help you cope with the trauma you went through. you need to understand how to deal with it. if not it would overpower your mental health, stress. you need to address the root cause to get a clarity for your present and future. if not you will beat yourself up in the present for things happened in the past.


As you said your brother's are unemployed but will not start their own job as they have pride and you being youngest cant order them also. Then is it possible you can sit down and talk to each one individually asking what help they need to work their way out from the current situation. Do not hurt their pride but give them that much importance by just praising them and making them take a decision for their future. You have to empower them so that they can live their life independently that can only help you and your mental health as well in long run. You need to talk in a way that will boost their pride too. Give them the chance to take ownership for their life and make decisions on their own otherwise you will be enabling them. They could also be emotionally going through something because of growing up in childhood where father did not take up the responsibility, gambling etc.


You need to emotionally remove yourself from the situation and look at the situation practically. try being an outsider or third person for this situation and see what advice would you give to the person in the situation.

Wa
Wandering Owl8)
1y

Hi, may I ask ā€“ and please answer honestly ā€“ which one of these three options you hope you will be advised to choose? The answer to that question is your true answer, cause thatā€™s what your heart wants.

Be
Ben
1y

I donā€™t see why you should sacrifice your own future for the sake of your unemployed brothers . I donā€™t know where youā€™re from, but an IT degree is valuable in any country these days, if youā€™re good, youā€™ll likely be able to find a remote job any time. I donā€™t quite understand what you mean by a ā€œjourneyā€ to take care of your trauma. You can make an appointment with an offline therapist or take online consultations, I donā€™t think it requires traveling. If you have a long trip in mind, like a sabbatical, itā€™s up to you, but Iā€™d say youā€™ll be better off working at least for a year or two after graduation so that you can put all that experience on your resume.

no
noname
1y

If you donā€™t address your mental health, sooner or later it will bite you back. So even if you choose options 1 or 2, they will only be a temporary solution. Since you are the main breadwinner for your family now, you must prioritize taking care of yourself. I vote for option 3.

AL
ALT
1y

Putting yourself first does not equal being a villain! Youā€™re already helping your family financially, even though youā€™re the youngest. Donā€™t bite off more than you can chew. I wouldnā€™t live with my family if I had the choice to move out. Itā€™s absolutely normal to want to live on your own. Your brothers are not your responsibility. They must learn to care for themselves. If you want to help your mother, you can arrange to send her a certain sum of money on a regular basis, and sheā€™ll decide how to spend it. Iā€™m sure your mother would want you to make a career, sheā€™ll be proud of you.

de
dexter bright
1y

Why doesnā€™t your father help you convince your twin brothers to come to senses and start making money? I suppose youā€™ve already tried family counseling for your parents? If they canā€™t live together, why havenā€™t they divorced? Iā€™m sorry if Iā€™m asking too many questions. It all sounds like you are trying to be the hero in this situation, yet Iā€™m not sure if you stay at home, anything will really change. In my opinion, the healthiest solution is to keep earning money and saving some. Definitely do something about your trauma, it will eat you up whether you stay or leave. I donā€™t quite understand the relationships between your parents, I guess if your mother finds a way to live on her own, you can find your own place and arrange it so that you can help your family as best you can without losing out on your own future opportunities.

ho
hottestcurry
1y

Wonā€™t you lose your jobs if you go on a journey? It sounds kind of risky, financially wise. Choosing the first way seems the most feasible to me

la
lack_of_faith
1y

If your brothers donā€™t want to find a job, no one can make them. They simply wonā€™t hold any jobs for long. I think you can establish your own home rules as youā€™re probably the one paying all the bills. If you want your brothers to leave, stand your ground. Theyā€™re 35, not 5, they should be ashamed of themselves! If you think you can stay while they leave, then youā€™ll be able to take care of your motherā€™s health. Take it one step at a time and see how things progress. After a while, if all is well, youā€™ll be able to go on that journey you seem to be so keen on. Good luck!

sm
smam
1y
Author

@Wandering Owl8) I want to better myself first, but dont you think leaving your family is bad? I have been tortured since elementary school and i want to be happy now. But i cant enjoy myself knowing my parent is suffering.

sm
smam
1y
Author

@Ben by journey i mean leaving home, i cant stay home if i want to better myself. My brother constantly annoy me and i cant fight back or he will become hysterical. Its really been bugging me that i need to be constantly being bullied all the time in my life. And my job is remote job so i dont need to be on the office, yet i still feel conflicted about leaving my family alone knowing something bad will happen to my family.

sm
smam
1y
Author

@noname i agree, its already taken effect on me right now. At elementary til high school i dont feel amything. Now i already feel its side effect like bad dream. But if i prioritize myself, what if i came back when my family already falling apart and i cant save anyone?

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