This may seem too long to read but I am helpless and hopeless so just trying if any one can give me good perfect advice according to what I am dealing with or how can I get back into life being successful , earn money , that feeling of being loved again. I am completely new to sharing what I am suffering so don't mind if I seem too idiotic or stupid but that is how I feel. Mostly I think it has been my mistakes only because you can't blame anyone else if you have made your life not worth living because a lot of people suffer much more and they still stand tall. I don't know but I am suffering every day and just desperately want to get out of this stage of my life which has been too long. So writing here in just a ray of hope that someone will read this and understand and then give me some advice or atleast some consolation that things it still get better.

So here is the whole story :-

I am from India. And I used to be a very bright student in my school days. Always used to score better than almost everyone till the time I fell for a girl. Yeah it should not have happened but it did because I was a idiot. So after I fell for a girl who was too beautiful lovely and she had all the qualities ticked. We were into a relationship for almost 4 years. Just before my high school board exams she broke up with me. There was no cheating or seeing someone else. It was also not that we fell out of love for each other. It was just that we were not able to meet each other quite often because of coaching classes and all. But we used to talk over phone and texted each other a lot. That not meeting quite often started to create problems between us because it was that thing which always used to clear any fights or anything else from our relationship equation. Then that distance grew and the fights started more and more and she broke up with me before the high school board exams. She loved me and I loved her a lot too but somehow I was not left capable enough after breakup to study for the exams.

And then started my downfall. I failed in my board exams because I was not able to study. I did not cared for anything which was happening that time. All in my mind was just her.

I started drinking smoking which I never even thought of. Then she left for another city for college. She somehow realised her mistakes too and she wanted to get back with me. She also gave a lot of signs that she wants to get back with me. But there was this thing which I felt guilty about always from the day I knew it. It was that somehow when we used to kiss and get too close few of those times I got too excited and ended up with upsetting her. I knew that I did wrong but all this with the growing distance between us made her slightly hate me I guess or just angry.

That excitement thing never was the issue when she got into college and tried to get back with me again but that guilt never left me that I have hurt that one who I loved most after my parents. Even if it was not a big issue. So I always thought even when she tried to get back with me that I will end up upsetting her only. Also I was too much into self depressing mode that I didn't even noticed her signs of let's get back together. Now after a year or so she got busy and settled well into the new city so made friends and all but we always used to be in touch. Sometimes we used to call and chat with each other. Also whenever she used to come back in a year we used to meet every year.

After a gap of year I also started engineering course but she was always in my mind. I used to think that once I will get better I will tell her everything. And which I did but then it was too late.

Now starts the real downfall in my life.

The thing which gave me hope all those years was gone now. So now I started smoking pot day night anytime. Same with alcohol. Then came hard drugs.

I spent all my parents hard earned money on these things which were not making me better but on the contrary I was drowning. Drowning in guilt shame and also the effects which I was having with the heavy usage of those drugs.

College ended and I ended too with no job.

Then I quit all of it for months and tried to take control of my life. Get a job earn money gain confidence which got so low because of the drugs and all the feelings in which I was not interested anymore. Needless to say even though I got opportunities to get a gf again I was not over her so I did not even tried to get to say even yes to anyone.

Then again started a period of heavy drug abuse.

Relapses happened again and again because whenever I got sober I started getting dreams almost on a daily basis of her. I was not able to feel good any day because I always used to think what has happened should not have happened etc and needless to say I already was recovering from heavy drug abuse.

Now as I am sharing this I am fully sober for few months now but still with those dreams of her or where I am in my life suffering with no job no money even though I am 27 now. Low self esteem low confidence. She has got someone in her life who is very good looking and successful and she seems to be in perfect love story now. All I can think of is how I can get things to make work for me now ? How am I going to get my pride my confidence back ? How am I going to get fit again ? How am I going to get a good job ?

Just hopeless and full of despair is the condition of my life. Although it has been since a lot of years but the drugs used to get a escape route to me which I don't want now. But I want to see myself get back in life. Everything I had a dream of I want to fulfill those. But how ? Just how ?

If anyone is kind enough to read till the end and even think that I am a fool idiot dumba** which you are right I was, can you give some advices ? Help me out to get me help myself.

If you even read till the end I am very thankful to you.

I don't know what's going on. Hi everyone, I'm 18 and I'm a lesbian. When I was a kid I liked guys, but then around 13-14 when I found out that you can like girls, I felt like I liked them more...? (so I think I might have daddy issues or something like that, so. I used to kind of like guys, but I really like their attention to this day. Like, "I'm in a relationship with a girl, but if this guy gives me attention that would be cool! I like to be the center of attention!" I don't think I'm bi because I can't imagine having sex with a guy or being in a relationship. I feel comfortable to be with a girl and I would like to live my life with her, I like to get attention from a girl, kisses, etc... now let's get to the problem. when I realized that I am not hetero, in my country everything was more or less fine with same-sex relationships...how? nobody cared about it. I was in a long distance relationship with a girl for 2 years and I loved her and she kind of loved me too. as I realized after the breakup, our relationship was not healthy at all. She lied to me, she ignored me a lot, she seemed to love me but sometimes she could just get offended. she lied about everything, about being raped by a guy, about the people she was dating, she said her parents beat her up, etc. I was a fool and really believed it all (although I had my doubts and they were justified). eventually she started to ignore me a lot saying "that's it, we're breaking up". one time we had a political fight and she wanted to break up with me, but she kind of gave me a second chance. I didn't know she was seeing someone else at the time...as time went on, I experienced the same insults from her friends. And when I said, "Don't hang out with that person, they talk shit about me, I don't like it, but it's your choice. I didn't push too hard but it was in this context approximately (before that she insisted that I stop communicating with my friend or she would leave me, I had to do it) another situation happened: she had a friend who lived next door to her and they didn't communicate live but often texted each other. My ex liked to make herself cool and pretend that she was experienced in sex. At the time I was a virgin and did not really talk about sex with her, I was not really comfortable, but something I trusted her. and once my account in the app was blocked and I asked her for a while, she said "no problem" and in the dialog with this guy I accidentally saw "My girlfriend is such a slut, she does fisting". I was shocked. I had never done that in my life...I cried for a long time after that, because I felt uncomfortable and like I was humiliated. Also there was something like "my girlfriend has big tits, like two planets" this was also unpleasant for me, especially the fact that she tells this to a guy I don't even know. after a few months she started to ignore me hard, just write rarely, I could write to her she sits online, but does not answer, just reads. it drove me to tears and hysterics..I thought that everything will be fine, but I thought that everything will be fine. but when we were on the call and I was discussing our future like "oh, it would be cool if we got a kitten" it was at this point that she said "I want to break up with you" (I think it's very nasty of her to do that at this point) I started crying, begging her, etc...but she just told me to fuck off and disconnected. Then I texted her "can we be friends?" she said no and I accepted it...But the most disgusting thing was that when I was crying and suffering she just texted me "I'll think about it till morning and tell you my decision" I was broken and cried all night, hoping that in the morning she would say it's ok etc...She woke up and texted me "I'm blocking you, bye! "After a few days I found out that she had cheated on me. she immediately started dating a girl the day we were separated. and that girl turned out to be a friend who humiliated and insulted me..hmmm so there you go! now I have a new girlfriend who loves me to bits and treats me well and with respect.

But the problem is that after our breakup my country passed a law banning "LGBT" now if you are gay or lesbian you can go to jail...for 12 years. I'm really scared to write this now a little bit...in case they find out. but now I want to go to the main problem.(I'm very anxious, I suffer from overthinking and bad thoughts) At some point after the ban and distance with the girl, I started to feel like I'm attracted to guys...(I never dated a guy and all my 3 ex were girls)it's like my body makes me love them. I'm just looking at an almost at every guy and get a very weird feeling in my belly..I thought, "Okay, if you're bi, it's okay, don't worry about it," but it got worse at some point, like I started reacting to any guy, or to their voice like it was supposed to make me I don't know into him. I pushed those thoughts away. I also want to add that my mother doesn't know about my orientation and I often hear "such a nice guy,tall,handsome,cute,sucker" and it makes me feel even worse>_< I realize that if I react to all guys this way it could be anxiety and fear of falling in love with a guy. Help me please. What could it be? How to treat it? i really need your opinion, maybe someone has faced this before!

A lot of people don’t understand the wealth that comes with being healthy and possessing financial security and it’s frustrating. They’re privileges to say the least but many don’t recognise them as such because they’ve never experienced the fear of receiving a hospital bill they can’t afford or medication they’re too poor to buy to help manage their sickness. Those of us who come from lower income backgrounds or suffer with financial stability aren’t “weaponising our sorrows” or have victim complexes like some privilege people push the narrative of, it’s us acknowledging resources are inaccessible and various things in our circumstances prevent us from getting the help we’re seeking. We’re not purposefully being neglectful of our health or willingly put ourselves in debt, we’re navigating to the best of our ability with what IS available to us, but in most cases there’s always a cost.

Receiving therapy, having regular physical and dental check ups, possessing the ability to exercise daily and not having to take several different medications just to function are privileges. The people who don’t see these things as privileges are more than likely in a position where they can afford or have never experienced these hardships. I’m chronically disabled and fighting sickness every day, and even though I have little to nothing myself I still make it a task to get out and help others in my community and others because I know what this struggle is like. Eating at pantries, unstable housing, lack of financial security, inability to have regular check ups, etc.

If I was financially secure and healthy, the volunteering I’m doing would triple. All of these things are human rights but the greedy government and privileged people put a price tag on everything to oppress the already suffering communities and I hate it.

The heartbreaking thing about loving an avoidant as someone with a more secure attachment style is that you have to do it from afar to preserve your own mental and emotional wellbeing.

6 years ago when I had the avoidant attachment style myself, I unexpectedly entered a relationship with a childhood friend who’s now the ex best friend of my older relative. He was also my first crush. The funny thing about it is his little sister was MY best friend because SHE had a crush on MY sibling. His family was close to mine so frequently we hung out, in and out of school settings. Commonality aside, the four of us bonded because we were bullied for our interests.

In July of 2019, we started getting closer before I eventually, impulsively initiated a relationship. It didn’t last for a variety of reasons; we were both immature, I was avoidant, and overall didn’t have the appreciation for anything then like I do today. I’ve blocked and disassociated from him a few times but it wasn’t until summer 2022 we reconnected and he confessed having feelings and being in love with me. I was taken aback since in our younger years, he declined my advances and made it apparent he wasn’t attracted to me.

We had a long and deep conversation about it and cleared everything up. Come winter of 2022 we reconnected after a brief silence from both parties. This came about post me escaping an abusive relationship and taking legal action against my assailant. Having been in therapy and support workshops for approximately 4 months at the time, I’ve already transitioned into a more secure attachment style where I attempted to initiate another relationship but more INTENTIONALLY. Unfortunately, after experiencing a traumatising relationship himself, he became avoidant so the rekindling didn’t last.

There was radio silence between us from January 2023 until July 2023 where I messaged him. From July to September we’ve been on and off in contact until finally, he stopped replying. In the times we’ve held space it was spent playing games, checking in with one another, sharing artistic projects we’ve completed or are working on, being intimate and overall enjoying each other’s company.

In the times I visited, I would always gift him poems, love letters, protection charms, or mini care packages. Aside being avoidant, I know he suffers from extreme depression and anxiety so I would also check in when I could. From what I recall, he hasn’t opened any of the affirmation letters I gifted him but I know he keeps them in a treasure box of things that see important to him which means so much to me. Just before we lost contact I wanted to give him one final card but I haven’t heard from him since September 2023.

As a former avoidant I understand I’ve overwhelmed him and want to respect his need for space, but I also wish I had the opportunity to hear what he wanted to tell me after briefly informing me he finally took me up on seeking professional help. I have so much love and care for him and hope that he’s well, and I hope that he believed me when I said, “I don’t give up on people I love.” and that he’ll never successfully push me away. I respect myself enough to do better and not cling onto unhealthy connections, but being a former avoidant myself I’m aware of how they navigate.

A lot of people hate avoidants because of their attachment style and coping mechanisms, and I don’t fault them. It’s only easier for me to be compassionate because I’m more secure and was in that position myself. I want to reach out to him so bad but I’ll leave things as they are and will continue wishing him well from afar.