I’ve been in an abusive relationship during my teenage years, which I believe was the root of my panic disorder. It built gradually over the years, and at first I didn’t take it for what it was. I thought I was prone to fainting, and when my first serious panic attack hit me, I thought it was a heat stroke. Over time, I learnt to catch the early symptoms: the unexplainable bursts of terror in my stomach, the feeling of heat and intense sweating, parts of my body becoming numb. One day I had a wave of panic attacks so strong that I had to cancel all my plans and stay in bed all afternoon. It began to interfere with my work and my personal life. Every time I thought I’d be getting a tingling sensation in my hands, I’d become terrified that I was going to pass out. My husband who was watching me struggle with it all finally took me by the hand and escorted me to a psychiatrist.

I must say now that my first two attempts with medical professionals were a complete failure. The psychiatrist prescribed me a sedative and a selective serotonin inhibitor, to cope with my anxiety. It helped, so much so that I believed I was cured forever. How naive of me! I stopped taking the meds 1.5 months later, without consulting my doctor. Why take more pills, when I was absolutely fine, right? Well, never do that! Don’t be me. Any doctor will tell you that you must take your meds for at least 3 months, usually longer, for any long-term effect. So a month without my pills, and my panic returned in full force. I had an episode in the subway and crawled back home, completely defeated and without hope of being normal again.

My husband insisted that I see another doctor. My second one was more on the side of alternative medicine, and we practised meditation and breathing during the first couple of sessions. It kind of helped, but only when I was not alone. So after two weeks I decided against continuing the therapy sessions.

By that time, my attitude towards medical help was sceptical. I began my Internet search in the hope to find stories of other people coping with panic attacks. This brought me to CBT - cognitive behavioral therapy. It sounded effective, and I decided it could be my last chance. I spent weeks choosing the right therapist I’d be comfortable with. And my search was not in vain!

With my third therapist, we started by exploring what a panic attack actually is and what it does to my body. It really helped. With meditation I didn't quite know what I was doing. But understanding the fight-or-flight body response, the adrenaline rush, and how my fear of it only makes it worse – it all made sense. Then we started to learn the encouragement technique. Basically, the idea of CBT is to not battle a panic attack, but to let it happen and embrace it. So I was willingly controlling my thoughts. When my heart was beginning to race, my body temperature increasing, my task was not to fuss over it or try to stop it, but to lean into it. I had to tell my heart to race even faster. I had to imagine flames of fire dancing on my arms. I had to encourage my body to continue with its ridiculous panic in order to make my brain register that I was not afraid. There was nothing to be afraid of, and my body didn’t need to act as it did. Eventually, my goal was to anticipate my panic attacks with excitement. I know it sounds silly, but once you want to have a panic attack, you’ll never have one!

I haven’t had a single episode of panic in months now, and while I don’t consider myself cured, I’m confident I can handle it. All that matters is changing your reaction.

I hope it was helpful.

My dad once called me a very bad slur in our native language cause I took too much time for chopping the onions while he was cooking.

Post escaping an abusive relationship with a covert narcissist almost two years ago in September 2022, the trauma my assailant caused my encouraged me to get my shit together. I sought out therapy, started volunteering, joined support groups and picked up hobbies outside my comfort zone. Ironically enough, he hurt me so bad it caused me to love others more, myself included. I developed this new found appreciation for life and have so much gratitude for the little things. During the earlier part of my recovery, as a way to give myself closure I’d write poems to my assailant. They’d always start with, “I don’t know whether to hate you or thank you”, because I experienced what felt like hell surviving everything he did to me but it also made me a stronger more resilient person.

Despite my resilience and optimism to take challenges head on, that didn’t change some days feeling more overwhelming than others. I was juggling several jobs along volunteering and other personal pleasures. Eventually, my therapist convinced me to settle down because as a chronically disabled person, it was causing my body to break down. It took some time but I was finally able to create a schedule that works well for me and my longterm goals. When everything finally settled, I started testing the waters of relationships again.

I took a break to focus on my health and wellbeing but felt well enough to try again. Twice, I’ve had romantic interests play in my face despite doing my best to communicate and cultivate healthier more intentional connections and an ex attempt trapping me in another cycle but I disconnected from it all. Having 14 months pass (7 months with one person, another with the second) I figured “recovery is the priority, not relationships.” and have been well off since.

Then, 2 almost 3 months ago I met my current partner. A fascinating human who approached me at a concert one evening and we hit it off the next. We’ve had a few hiccups but because we’re on the same page with what we’re seeking, how we think, and the way we navigate, conflict quickly arrives at a solution and in a healthy way. We’re going at a pace that feels right for us, we’re learning from one another while learning about the other, we have genuine appreciation for each other and we communicate effectively.

I love that there’s no anxiousness if we don’t immediately hear back from one another and that we can maintain holding space with ourselves without it being taken personally. I our commonalities and differences. I love the willingness to grow and explore. Experiencing a healthy relationship will really make a person question why they tolerated anything less than in the past. Even knowing this might be short term, I appreciate getting to experience what healthy relationships are like.

In the past I didn’t think relationships while navigating recovery was possible, but this is one of few times I’m glad to have been wrong.

hello i send this msg to tell abt my abuse story and also ask to people (with adhd or not, or abuse survivor as me) what to think about this person behavior:

when i met this person i was being cyberharassed by an ex friend, so naturally she was aware of my trauma.

but during 3 years she was reproducing my fears despite my boundaries and sometimes implied it wasn't her fault but her adhd, so i don't want to be ableist but some stuff didn't feel right:

-one day i was entertaining her (yep it wasn't mutual) and suddenly i had a panic attack due to my harassement, the day after (so no "adhd impulsivity" as she said but time to think) she said some rly rude stuff that i was a bother and she needed other supplies basically, she said it was that one adhd honesty, which is funny bc she occasionally lied (and also "i" made her lie) when she was abt to get caught doing something betraying. i didn't want to bother her anymore so started to vent elsewhere but she kinda tried to control my posts, making it abt her saying i was triggering her for posting i didn't feel ok, but she was allowed to post harsh stuff like "i wanna jump under a bus"

-she was a "writer", we aggreed on working together on projects, but i was the only one making everything, she said it's bc she wasn't as good as me but when she could make it abt her (even my bday!) suddenly she had ideas, it revolved always around her or even useless side characters, the few times i wrote smth for me she erased it or stole it for her, she said she had "adhd memory problems", but that's funny she remembers every details of my plot except when i said numerous times it's mine.

ok idk how long this post can be so i will remove some points 😭

-she defended a random person that was making me uncomfortable over me her "bff", i communicated, i thought it was fixed but she deleted my name from her bio after that, i asked if there was still smth she wanted to tell me, she reacted as if i forced her to put back my name? then will say it was misunderstanding.

-she gaslighted me occasionally, like one time i proposed plans she refused every of it, reacting as if it wasn't good, but later she proposed it and said that "last time we didn't do it because i didn't have money yk" while we actually did her more expensive activity.

-she called me jealous when i was hurt she tried to exclude me many times or from my friends (she was sharing with them her good news instead of me, and ignored my congrats and denied that) while she is the one to throw tantrum if someone got better things that her, like one time i've been congratulated for my fit and she felt inferior so the focus went back to her.

-she wasn't supportive of my good/bad moments, so i told her i wanted to be treated like her equal and later she played victim by twisting my words accusing me of saying "you talk too much about you and it's not interesting so we should only talk about me" again used the memory problems or that.

SUDDENLY I FORGOT EVERY OTHER EXAMPLES WHILE I THINK ABOUT IT EVERYDAY. so maybe i will add it in the comments.

how it ended? i finally stood up accordingly, and she used my trigger (silent treatment) to make me react "guilty", then she implied i always had been the issue for being anxious or sad and not because it was caused by her abuse, but the worst is when blocking her i saw she appropriated my own trauma to lie online.

so yeah what do you think?