Over the past few years as pop culture psychology and self diagnosing increasingly becomes acceptable, I’ve noticed this peculiar mindset of people pushing the narrative that having mental health disorders and disabilities excuse abusive behaviour or mistreatment of others. It’s frustrating because trauma being understandable doesn’t make maltreatment acceptable and seeing victims and survivors alike who RESERVE THE RIGHT to not forgive their perpetrators be demonised makes my blood boil.

This especially aggravates me when it comes to the debate of whether or not narcissists are absolved of their abhorrent behaviour because of their disorder. As someone who also has mental health issues and disabilities I understand it impacts people differently. Regardless of the condition, I do my best to be understanding and empathetic but when it comes to narcissists? Absolutely not. After escaping and surviving a handful of narcissistic relationships throughout my life, I absolutely refuse to even SYMPATHISE with a narcissist.

What people fail to realise is just because someone apologised doesn’t mean the person (or people) they’re apologising to, if they even apologised to begin with, has to accept it the same way nobody is obligated to forgive or receive forgiveness. Any time I see people try to argue why narcissists shouldn’t be demonised it automatically tells me they either don’t care about victims/survivors or that they have saviour complexes of some kind. While I am someone who does their best to educate themselves (and have thoroughly educated themselves on narcissism), there’s nothing anyone can say or do to ever make me empathise with them.

A lot of us carry pain and trauma with us from catastrophic events we experienced in our lifetimes but don’t use it as an excuse to abuse and mistreatment others and I’m tired of seeing people coddle them. Narcissists aren’t these helpless little babies, they know what they’re doing and take pleasure in the pain they cause people. It’s weird and it’s fucking twisted. Even being in the radical acceptance stage of my recovery you will never catch me pitying narcissists just because I know and cognitively understand their perspective.

A lot of the time when we consume the content of people who publicise their journeys to recovery, we’re under the impression they’re “healed.” We believe they have everything together, life flows effortlessly for them and that their circumstances are perfect… but would you be surprised if I said that’s far from the truth?

As a content creator who documents bits and pieces of their recovery, I can tell you firsthand that most of us only share what we want being seen. We’ll post on the days we feel good; sharing vlogs of ourselves at the beach enjoying the sun or grabbing brunch at the new vegan restaurant that just opened up. But do you know what we WON’T upload? The bad days. Why? Because it “ruins” the aesthetic.

Nobody wants to hear about the meltdown we had over something trivial or the episode that was triggered by plans going south. 9 times out of 10, influencer or not, a person is likely to be shamed for venting on media; crying on camera as opposed to journaling or talking to a trusted friend.

However because I know this is a common thing among “recovery influencers” (I assume they’re categorised as), I personally share and talk about the “ugly” parts of recovering. Why? Because it’s easier said than done and everybody’s journey looks different. I want to provide a more authentic perspective and not the “everything is perfect” that’s constantly being fed.

Because the truth of the matter is even though I’m nearly 2 years into recovery and I rarely have bad days, not every day is good for me. There are days where I’m depressed, hurting, lonely and more. I have days where I’m not good to myself or others but that doesn’t take away from all I’ve achieved. The goal is progression, not perfection.

And if it’s the ugly parts of healing they won’t tell you about, it’s the part where you feel like you’re regressing. They won’t tell you about the stages of anger and grief you oscillate between or the periods of isolation you experience trying to better yourself. They don’t tell you about the people you lose as a result of seeking better or the pervasive loneliness that follows when having to be selective about your associates.

Healing looks different for everyone and there’s going to be “ugliness” to it, but that’s okay because it should be normalised. I’m currently experiencing one of the ugliest parts of healing because despite being eager to create a loving and nurturing relationship with others, I feel myself growing emotionally reserved every day. It hurts but I’m doing my best to remain open. It’s difficult for me as someone still overcoming hyper independence and avoidant tendencies, but I know it can be done.

Even with the feelings of loneliness, depression and anxiety weighing heavy in my chest, I’m going to do my best to remain kind in my interactions. I’m quite frankly exhausted from everything but I’m dedicated to my recovery so I’ll bare the exhaustion as long as necessary.

Everyone talks about the loneliness that comes with being single but never the loneliness that comes with bettering yourself. I’ve been in therapy and support workshops for 2 years, doing self-help exercises and practicing self care for just as long, and so much more. I stopped self-harming, chose sobriety, started eating healthier, keep myself hydrated, picked up boxing, and really began pursuing my passions more adamantly.

Post escaping an abusive relationship and taking legal action against my assailant, it opened my eyes to how unappreciative I was of life and that I took everything for granted because I assumed it would always be there. Near end 2022 whooped my ass, but spending the rest of that year actively seeking professional help for myself was the best choice made because today I’m so grateful for everything, especially the little things.

The only setback is, it’s lonely. I want to better myself, for myself before others, but finding like minded people is difficult. Not everyone is ready to confront their traumas and do the work to heal themselves, and that’s okay, but it makes socialising unbearable. I understand that receiving professional help is also a privilege, but where I’m at in my journey, I only want to associate with others travelling the road to recovery.

I don’t want any relation- or friendship built off trauma bonds or people trauma dumping on each other. I don’t want to be around people who gossip, anyone dealing with extreme insecurities or projection issues, people with victim mentalities or superiority complexes. I just want to find a mutually supportive connection where we can learn from and educate one another. I’d like to befriend someone who’s just as open-minded, knowledge-seeking, courageous and driven.

It sucks because sometimes, there are people who’ll purposefully attempt to sabotage you because they don’t like the light you have. They don’t like that you’re bettering yourself because they lack the courage to better themselves and project that onto to you. I’ve experienced it firsthand and everything in between which really has me cool off socialising and encouraged me to be more career-focused.

I don’t have a problem with being alone; I’m an introvert and prefer to hold space with myself. I also don’t mind feeling isolated half the time. Sometimes it’s been to be alone and isolated, but every now and then I wish I had someone I could call a friend.

A lot of the time, people hear “social media influencer” and think of brand ambassadors and celebrities. More often than not, people will also roll their eyes when said influencers complain about hardships they experience because content creation is often associated with entitled rich people who have no self-awareness or faces challenges like that of the average person. That’s understandable, but what a LOT of people don’t know is that being a content creator isn’t as luxurious as they believe.

There’s this misconception that EVERY social media influencer (or person with a platform) is “rich” or financially stable enough to survive off their earnings which is FALSE. How do I know? Because I’M a content creator and have been financially struggling even AFTER coming into a platform. My situation isn’t an isolated case, either. Statistically speaking, in order to be considered an “influencer”, a user must have 500K followers MINIMUM across their platforms, and I’m only a little less than half. Additionally, every sponsor is different. With my circumstances, I only receive 10% of commission IF a person uses my referral link and discount code during checkout.

I don’t have many sponsors but that’s for a reason. If I’m going to collaborate with a company, I do extreme research because I don’t want to promote a brand that’s harmful or negatively impacts the environment, community, etc. While my content is very versatile, I try to send the overall message of spread kindness, creativity and education.

I love being content creator because I have the opportunity to educate, entertain and encourage younger black and brown creatives with my content which is a personal mission statement I chose for myself, but the disadvantages make it exhausting. Platforms are constantly hiding black and brown creators content which means we have to work twice as hard. There’s also a lot of racism and discrimination within fandom spaces which is why I have comment filters enabled because every day I wake up, I have bigots calling me slurs. I have to deal with queer phobia, fetishising and other derogatory remarks. I have people assuming I’m “intimidating” because of my platform or believe I’m entitled because most media influencers are. Don’t even get me started on the defamation of character I experienced that started over another person’s envy.

I’m hesitant to collaborate with other creators because I’ve had to continuously disassociate with people who’ve been outed as abusers and predators in the recent past. I’m wary to befriend other creators because I’ve had people take advantage of my kindness and only see me for my platform and not as a person. After being DOXED by a former friend who was jealous I came into a platform, I acquired stalkers who TO THIS DAY, continue to harass me. It’s exhausting.

The anxiety inducing thing about it all is that the more my platform grows, the more my privacy shrinks. I’ve lost friends and relationship partners because of stalkers and people from my platform being invasive, prying into my private life even when it wasn’t publicised, and as a result I stopped sharing milestones of my recovery. I’m being recognised in public and other places I frequent which makes me fearful for my safety. I am not a celebrity or someone with extreme notoriety for me to experience any of this and it’s incredibly frustrating because when I try to be vulnerable about my frustrations, people downplay the seriousness of it.

I don’t know about anyone else, but it doesn’t feel good to vocalise distress about being followed and for a majority of responses to be, “That means you’re famous!” or “that’s so cool, I wish I had stalkers!” Yes I can delete and filter negative or derogatory comments, and yes I can disconnect and take breaks from media. I do it frequently to preserve my mental and emotional health. What I can’t do however is put the stalking to an end and pursue legal action to ensure that.

I don’t want to be hyper vigilant or over analytical of everything because that fear can deprive me of a lot of opportunities. I do my best to keep a clear mind and open heart but repeatedly experiencing traumatising situations in real time triggers me beyond belief. I love being a “social media influencer” but it’s exhausting.