hello i send this msg to tell abt my abuse story and also ask to people (with adhd or not, or abuse survivor as me) what to think about this person behavior:
when i met this person i was being cyberharassed by an ex friend, so naturally she was aware of my trauma.
but during 3 years she was reproducing my fears despite my boundaries and sometimes implied it wasn't her fault but her adhd, so i don't want to be ableist but some stuff didn't feel right:
-one day i was entertaining her (yep it wasn't mutual) and suddenly i had a panic attack due to my harassement, the day after (so no "adhd impulsivity" as she said but time to think) she said some rly rude stuff that i was a bother and she needed other supplies basically, she said it was that one adhd honesty, which is funny bc she occasionally lied (and also "i" made her lie) when she was abt to get caught doing something betraying. i didn't want to bother her anymore so started to vent elsewhere but she kinda tried to control my posts, making it abt her saying i was triggering her for posting i didn't feel ok, but she was allowed to post harsh stuff like "i wanna jump under a bus"
-she was a "writer", we aggreed on working together on projects, but i was the only one making everything, she said it's bc she wasn't as good as me but when she could make it abt her (even my bday!) suddenly she had ideas, it revolved always around her or even useless side characters, the few times i wrote smth for me she erased it or stole it for her, she said she had "adhd memory problems", but that's funny she remembers every details of my plot except when i said numerous times it's mine.
ok idk how long this post can be so i will remove some points 😭
-she defended a random person that was making me uncomfortable over me her "bff", i communicated, i thought it was fixed but she deleted my name from her bio after that, i asked if there was still smth she wanted to tell me, she reacted as if i forced her to put back my name? then will say it was misunderstanding.
-she gaslighted me occasionally, like one time i proposed plans she refused every of it, reacting as if it wasn't good, but later she proposed it and said that "last time we didn't do it because i didn't have money yk" while we actually did her more expensive activity.
-she called me jealous when i was hurt she tried to exclude me many times or from my friends (she was sharing with them her good news instead of me, and ignored my congrats and denied that) while she is the one to throw tantrum if someone got better things that her, like one time i've been congratulated for my fit and she felt inferior so the focus went back to her.
-she wasn't supportive of my good/bad moments, so i told her i wanted to be treated like her equal and later she played victim by twisting my words accusing me of saying "you talk too much about you and it's not interesting so we should only talk about me" again used the memory problems or that.
SUDDENLY I FORGOT EVERY OTHER EXAMPLES WHILE I THINK ABOUT IT EVERYDAY. so maybe i will add it in the comments.
how it ended? i finally stood up accordingly, and she used my trigger (silent treatment) to make me react "guilty", then she implied i always had been the issue for being anxious or sad and not because it was caused by her abuse, but the worst is when blocking her i saw she appropriated my own trauma to lie online.
so yeah what do you think?
I'm so sorry you went through this. I've been in a similar situation and I can totally recognize these manipulation tactics. ADHD might explain some behaviors but it never excuses abuse. From what you described, she was consistently manipulating you, using your trauma against you, and trying to control your interactions with others. That's straight-up emotional abuse. The way she twisted your words and made everything about herself is classic narcissistic behavior. I really think you did the right thing by blocking her
@Aylen thank you for your support, and yes the issue is that at least even tho some behavior it can be because of her adhd she can still say sorry and take accountability, but here she just only react as if i was the mean one for communicating about my hurt feelings, just totally inverting the roles
@semicolon yeah, that's totally not fair of her, you're doing good!
omg this hits close to home... if you wanna talk i would love to
@Richard Schwartz hey there! oh thanks!!
This isn't about ADHD at all, this is straight-up emotional abuse and manipulation.
I have ADHD myself, and while yes, we can sometimes be impulsive or forgetful, we don't systematically gaslight people or use their traumas against them. The fact that she remembered details when it benefited her but claimed "memory problems" when it didn't is very telling. She was using her diagnosis as a shield to avoid taking responsibility for her actions. Memory issues don't make you steal someone's work or try to isolate them from friends. That's just being toxic. You did the right thing by cutting contact. Don't let anyone use their diagnosis to justify hurting you.
🫂
@MidnightReader this!! and i'm pretty sure rn she is lying saying that since she is the neurodivergent one she is for sure the one who has been abused (while i'm not even certain i'm neurotypical myself tbh) any time she could find a"plausible deniability" as we call that, to escape accountability. also other examples, one time she asked again if my parents were divorced while i already told her, but i sensed this time she really forgot accidentally, so i just told her "yes they are!" chill, polite with no "i alREAdY TolD You" because it can happen, but for stuff like that it's just selective memory/toxic amnesia and playing dumb on purpose. the same way she would remember i was "constantely criticizing her" but not the part that i actually were just repeating on loop my boundaries she was crossing
@Amy Smith like i always were really open for her to educate me on adhd to know the behaviors and myself not act in a way she doesn't like, but here it's just disgusting because as you said adhd doesn't cause abuse, she was just a bad person and her neurodivergency had nothing to do with it
@MidnightReader i'm glad i'm not around her anymore and the meds helped me a lot, also suddenly i started to gain amazing art opportunities now i don't have to keep my creations for her only! but ngl it's still complicated sometimes because i didn't fully recover, i am still afraid to go at some places she might be too, also flashbacks and knowing she is lying online by stealing my trauma is kinda depressing
@MidnightReader I agree. ADHD can cause difficulties with emotional regulation and memory, but it doesn't cause someone to systematically abuse others
@semicolon Yeah, I'm really sorry you had to deal with this, how are you feeling right now? I guess it might feel freeing in a way
i've dealt with toxic friendships before and this is definitely one of them. the way she treated you is not okay. i'm sorry you had to go through that. it's good that you got out.
@victoria taylor thanks a lot! it had been hard for me because i started to see a therapist, lost weight, took antidepressants because of what she did, i'm free but nowadays i'm still hurt about it because i think about her actions on a daily
The way she twisted your words, used your triggers against you, and made everything about herself shows a pattern of toxic behavior. Mental health conditions don't make someone abusive - that's a choice they make. I'm glad you stood up for yourself and got out of that situation. Remember that your feelings are valid, and you deserve friends who respect your boundaries and support you. Stay strong! 💕
@Maya_Thompson exactly! thank you for understanding and finding the perfect words! ❤️
@semicolon no probs! everyone deserves someone who understand :)
This is a clear case of emotional abuse and manipulation. Glad you're okay now
@Roy Ramirez free but left with trauma 😮💨
ADHD can cause impulsivity and memory issues, but it doesn't make someone consistently manipulative or cruel, believe me
@bailey this, bc she had some behaviors linked to adhd and i was understanding with it, like for example when we were watching a movie she needed smth to fidget on, or she forgot some informations, but the lies and gaslught are def not a cause of this neurodivergency
I can confidently say that what you experienced was emotional abuse. The pattern here is clear: she used manipulation tactics, gaslighted you, isolated you from others, and then used her ADHD as an excuse. The fact that she could remember things when it benefited her but claimed memory issues when confronted is a red flag. Her behavior shows clear signs of narcissistic tendencies!! She's making everything about herself, playing the victim, and using your triggers against you
@HealthyMindset and the fact i had signs since the beginning, the way she talked abt her ex bff and in the situations she was clearly the wrong one but tried to make it appear like she was the victim, i was dumb for letting her chances
Unfortunately, I have a friend like this and I still don't know hot to let go, what should I do?
@Anthony_Pratt i know it can be hard to go w this kind of toxic ppl bc i guess you share smth special despite the abuse, but trust me you have to leave, maybe at first try to take distance be less available, take notes of every bad things they did, talk to friends abt it to get support, also if you ever confronted this friend how did it go? it should tell you a lot abt what to do, fr protect yourself!