Breaking up with someone you had strong feelings for is always hard. My first breakup cost me months of agony, it was my first love. We went from spending all days together to zero communication. I missed him so much. Even though he had hurt me, my brain tried to idealize our relationship and convinced me that it was all a mistake. I shunned friends, having no energy for them. It was one of the lowest points of my life. I can tell you from experience that in such moments, it is good and healthy to reach out to friends and allow yourself to be miserable. Allow them to get to the bottom of this pit with you and sit there for a while together. They can’t feel what you’re feeling, but their perspective is objective, and they will support you as best they can. When I finally reached out to my friends, it was such a relief to share my frustration, pain and doubts and to hear their opinions and jokes about my ex. They were on my side. I wish I had done it sooner.
This is always bitter, and the first 2-3 weeks are the worst. But I can promise you that as time passes, it will get better. The pain you are feeling at this moment will eventually begin to ease. Time and space away from that person will let you realize that it wasn’t perfect. Crying actually helps. It’s a good copying mechanism that hlps the body to release the sorrow and start the healing process. You’ll get there, hold on!
I know how you feel. My divorce left a big gaping hole in me, and it took me much longer to move on than I would like to admit. It’s nearly impossible to let go of the memories. The brain clings to them for dear life and prevents you from thinking about your own interests and what you truly want. I had to talk to a psychologist in the end, she’s a friend of mine, so it was comfortable. Her impartiality was like a cold shower. But I couldn’t resent her, for I knew she was saying the right things about my codependency and so on. I found that once I stopped repressing my emotions and let them all out, there was little left, and I felt the need to rebuild myself. You’ll get there too! And from there, it all goes uphill.
Big hugs from far away
I’m sorry you’re going through this. May I ask why you broke up? Did your boyfriend do something bad?
What really helps with surviving this time is to have things to look forward to. Don’t isolate yourself, this is the time when you need to be around people because you want to be wholesome and happy. You deserve it! I wish you all the best, and I hope you feel better soon.
The only way to overcome grief is to wait it out. It's a matter of balancing the time you spend with yourself and the time you spend with friends. At some point, you’ll separate your current feelings from what you felt back then when you were with that other person. It’s when you’ll begin re-learning things about yourself, your desires and dreams for the future. When you’re dating someone for a long time, your personalities kind of mingle. So now is the time to find your authentic self. If you don’t want to go out just yet, don’t make yourself. It’s OK to watch a movie at home with tasty food, or, even better, to invite a close friend and spend the evening together. One week is a very short period. A month from now you’ll feel more at ease, and your growth during this period will be a valuable experience for the rest of your life.
The first heartbreak is the harshest. I suppose it can only happen once. I’ve had my heart broken multiple times, but I still resent the first one, when I was too young and too good for it. I wish I could say something else, but I know it will hurt for a while. Focus on yourself and your well-being until that heartstring attached to your ex snaps off and sets you free. Eventually, you’ll stop caring. The only person you need for happiness is you.
I have a friend who is my teacher in all life issues. She is smart and hilarious, and she honestly believes she’s the best person in the world. It vexed me a bit when we first acquainted, but now I appreciate it, for I always lacked that kind of blissful thinking. Every time life tries to knock her down, she gets out of it with her head held high. It’s not her employers firing her, it’s “they didn’t suit me, I want to find something better”. When her partner left her after a quarrel, she said, “Now I’ll finally have my weekends free!” He ended up returning to her, I think mainly because he expected she’d crawl back, but she demonstrated total acceptance. I used to judge her, thinking she was too selfish to love anyone else. But after years of friendship I know that she loves herself, and that is her strongest weapon. It guards her against lingering negative emotions. I wish I could love myself that much. I know it doesn’t help you right now, but I’d like you, and all women, to treasure yourself and put yourself first. Your heart will mend, and you will be loved stronger and better than before!
A hobby or some activity you deeply care about helps a lot at the time of a breakup. My job usually saves me from overthinking the painful moments too much. I plunge into it and work like mad until my emotions sort themselves out. Maybe it’s a male thing. They say we’re bad at processing our own emotions… Who knows. I still believe it’ll have bad long-term effects if I dwell too much on things that are out of my control. So I choose not to think about them.
The only recommendation I can give in your struggle is go no contact. Out of sight, out of mind. Don’t regret it, a relationship breaks when there are some issues. So it’s all for the best. You’ll be all right!
I can relate! Was it your first love? Journaling my feelings was my outlet when I had my first crush and first heartbreak at school. I didn’t have friends I could confide in, and family was too far away. I wrote down all my thoughts and tried to reason with myself. It was pure instinct, though today therapists actually advise journaling one’s feelings to cope with them. So perhaps give it a try if writing is your thing. Sending you rays of luck and happiness!
The first breakup can be extremely challenging. Initially, we lack strategies to cope and can't compare it to other experiences. We may feel lost, broken, or as we won't find a relationship like that again. But healing is possible.
There is no set timeline for how long the healing process takes, but it’s important to let yourself fully feel and process the emotions in order to be able to move on. There are different healthy ways to express your grief. For example:
- Talking to an empty chair while imagining your ex there, letting everything out that’s on your mind and expressing everything you feel - sadness, anger, frustration.
- Journaling these feelings and thoughts privately or writing him a letter without actually sending it.
- Expressing your emotions through creative arts like drawing, painting, poetry, dance.
- Letting yourself cry during a sad movie or song that fits your mood.
It can be helpful to set aside special time, for example 30-60 minutes during a day, to process these feelings and thoughts, then purposefully shift your focus.
I understand that shifting focus is hard. After a breakup, it's normal to think about all sorts of memories and have unwanted thoughts. But it's important not to feed them as it can slow down the healing process. Don't resist or fight them either - imagine that those thoughts are like clouds passing by, they will come and go. If a good memory comes up, appreciate it, be grateful for it and imagine it going away. Remind yourself that you're moving on. If an unpleasant thought shows up, know it's just a thought, and it doesn't control you. Redirect your attention back to the present moment. For example if you're walking, focus on your surroundings, things that you see and listen to sounds around you.
The whirlwind of sadness, anger, confusion and other emotions can feel overwhelming. But you don’t have to deal with them on your own. Spend more time with friends and family who care for you. I know it feels like they can’t entirely fill the void left behind, but human connections help. Consider speaking to a compassionate therapist to gain more healthy tools to cope with the loss.
While you heal, make time to nurture other areas of life like hobbies, self-care and non-romantic relationships. For instance, cook a nostalgic childhood recipe with your family, take up a dance class with your best friend, listen to music that makes you feel more yourself, take walks to appreciate nature’s beauty.
There may be tempting moments when you miss the relationship and put your ex on a pedestal. However, every relationship has it's good and bad sides. Make lists of what you liked and disliked in your past relationship. Ask yourself: what core needs weren’t met? What would you like to be different? This reflection can help you gain insight for future relationships.
It might not seem like this right now, but the pain won't last forever. With time, it will pass, gifting you new knowledge about yourself that you can bring into your future.
Breakups are painful and grieving, doubting, painful memories are all the emotions you feel.
It is normal to cry and unbearable emotion is also normal. Shedding tears often eases our sense of shock or trauma after painful breakup. initial stages if struggle is only because of how invested you were in the relationship.
It takes time to heal but a great deal of recovery process involves building new routines or habits and breaking old ones.