2 almost 3 months ago I met someone at a concert. Immediately, we hit it off and started going on dates. I thought we were cultivating something healthy but in actuality I was being taken advantage of. The moment things got serious, I communicated my intentions, he communicated his, and we agreed upon what we wanted to establish. Or so I thought.

Yesterday afternoon when celebrating our one month anniversary, I oversaw a Tinder notification while he had me translate Spanish for him. We were supposed to go apple picking and making cider but postponed plans because his car isn’t in safe conditions. When I respectfully approached him about it he lied to my face. Later that evening I learned from a trusted friend and their company that he was in fact, talking to other people behind my back at a convention we attended weeks ago.

My mood and trust were shot entirely. Our schedules are hectic but we make time for one another on the weekends. Usually, we spend 4-6hrs together but he left MUCH earlier than we discussed. I felt and still feel sick, disgusted and saddened. While I have enough communication skills to vocalise my upset and have initiated similar conversations before, I’m genuinely tired of people playing in my face and not giving me the same respect I extend.

Time after time, I’ve held him accountable in moments of disrespect or saying/doing something inappropriate to which he seemed receptive of. Moving forward he’s done better and has put in effort which I’m grateful for, but to play in my face and think I wouldn’t find out is crazy. I’ve already had suspicions but because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, I wrote them off hyper vigilance even though I KNEW it wasn’t. I was in denial and overplaying my part, my mistake.

This won’t change the kindness I’ll continue giving others but I refuse to consider that a relationship with how short term it was and with that being said, September 26th really will make 2 years since I’ve been single. While I’d like to be in a relationship, it’s not a priority. I’m dissociated and struggling to process but I’ll manage. He’s been texting me acting as if everything’s all peachy but I have no intention to respond.

He didn’t respect me enough to be honest and cut ties when I first initiated the conversation of what our dynamic would look like moving forward so I won’t respect him enough to say anything. I’ve already informed him the consequence of his actions should he say or do anything to emotionally, mentally or physically hurt me and now he’s going to experience. I refuse to remain anywhere I’m not appreciated. Can’t respect my presence? Hope you enjoy my absence.

I'm going through a tough time. I find myself crying for no reason, and it's getting worse. I've tried to hold it back and think about why I feel so sad, but it's not helping. I even got a fever from thinking too much. My smartwatch warned me about stress all day yesterday. I'm feeling angry and hateful, and this has been happening for about two months.

When I was feeling lonely a few months ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD. Things were getting better, but now it's starting again. I've tried talking to my parents, but they think I'm joking and won't take me to see a therapist or counselor. I told my teacher, but nothing has changed. I spend about 90% of my time feeling lonely and alone because I don't have anyone to talk to.

I don't know what's going on with me. Even though everything seems fine in my life, I'm not happy. I posted about this before, and people suggested seeing a therapist, but my parents won't listen. I'm tired and don't know what to do. Christmas doesn't feel special, and no one around me is celebrating. I'm thinking about going far away and being alone for a while.

There are very few people in my life, and I've started feeling hate for everyone. I also feel like everyone lies to me, and everything is fake. My emotions are all over the place, and I know it's not right. It's getting worse every day, and it's too much for me to handle.

Reaching out for emotional support isn’t the problem, it’s people not understanding or making my situation about them that stops me. Thanks to therapy and support groups I was able to overcome parts of my struggle with hyper independence, but continuously receiving the response of others either affirming me in my resilience due to the approach I take when facing adversities or them having their own burdens, it prompts me to isolate.

I appreciate people commending my determination and ability to see the good in bad, but there are moments where I want to vent my frustrations without being reminded I’m “strong.” I know it’s done in good faith and most times it does help, however I rarely have the space to truly BREAK DOWN and feel everything in full. Because I still have difficulties being emotionally vulnerable, even with close loved ones, I will resort to texting the crisis line or other coping mechanisms before anything.

Whether I’m engaging in art therapy, journaling, breathing exercises or producing music to process and express what I’m feeling, it’s done because I’m yet to find someone who can provide emotional support in a way that’s satisfying for me. I know that I’m loved, cared for and supported by many people but that doesn’t change the loneliness I occasionally experience.

These past 2 almost 3 years it’s been me, myself and I. I’m constantly working, constantly looking out for myself. Of course I’ve had support from others that encouraged me to press on but on a deeper level, beside the one person I was forced to go no contact with, I’ve had no one. I’m beyond grateful for everything I have while working toward what I want, but I’m exhausted.

I’m tired of looking over my shoulder every 2 seconds because I’m still being stalked, I’m overwhelmed with continuously fighting the same issues and I’m exasperated with the lack of support. Even with how overworked I am I can’t cry and I hate it. I want to cry more than anything but because my body doesn’t feel safe enough it won’t let me. Truth be told I never expected living long enough to see adulthood because of bad my upbringing was but here I am.

Most days I wake up with hope in my heart and joy in my body. I choose to let love lead me and I extend kindness where I can. But there’s days like today where anxiety sits in my chest and fatigue has me feeling partially dissociated. I know today will be good because my partner and I are celebrating our anniversary by picking apples and making cider, and the week ahead is going to be just as great, but it’s processing the information of how progressively worse my health is getting and I have no one to confide in hurts.

I have BPD and it makes it so hard to be in a relationship. I thought I was better after our 5 month break. But, I’m worried, for no reason, that my boyfriend might cheat on me r this celebration of life of his friend that passed because drinking will be involved and this is something he wants/needs to do alone and it would just be awkward for me. But the girls that are going are so pretty, and yes, most are in a relationship, but doe that really stop anyone? Especially with drinking involved. We just got back together and he said he only wants me and has been reassuring me but these insecurities are loud, and it’s all I can think about it and it’s over a week away.