2 almost 3 months ago I met someone at a concert. Immediately, we hit it off and started going on dates. I thought we were cultivating something healthy but in actuality I was being taken advantage of. The moment things got serious, I communicated my intentions, he communicated his, and we agreed upon what we wanted to establish. Or so I thought.
Yesterday afternoon when celebrating our one month anniversary, I oversaw a Tinder notification while he had me translate Spanish for him. We were supposed to go apple picking and making cider but postponed plans because his car isn’t in safe conditions. When I respectfully approached him about it he lied to my face. Later that evening I learned from a trusted friend and their company that he was in fact, talking to other people behind my back at a convention we attended weeks ago.
My mood and trust were shot entirely. Our schedules are hectic but we make time for one another on the weekends. Usually, we spend 4-6hrs together but he left MUCH earlier than we discussed. I felt and still feel sick, disgusted and saddened. While I have enough communication skills to vocalise my upset and have initiated similar conversations before, I’m genuinely tired of people playing in my face and not giving me the same respect I extend.
Time after time, I’ve held him accountable in moments of disrespect or saying/doing something inappropriate to which he seemed receptive of. Moving forward he’s done better and has put in effort which I’m grateful for, but to play in my face and think I wouldn’t find out is crazy. I’ve already had suspicions but because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, I wrote them off hyper vigilance even though I KNEW it wasn’t. I was in denial and overplaying my part, my mistake.
This won’t change the kindness I’ll continue giving others but I refuse to consider that a relationship with how short term it was and with that being said, September 26th really will make 2 years since I’ve been single. While I’d like to be in a relationship, it’s not a priority. I’m dissociated and struggling to process but I’ll manage. He’s been texting me acting as if everything’s all peachy but I have no intention to respond.
He didn’t respect me enough to be honest and cut ties when I first initiated the conversation of what our dynamic would look like moving forward so I won’t respect him enough to say anything. I’ve already informed him the consequence of his actions should he say or do anything to emotionally, mentally or physically hurt me and now he’s going to experience. I refuse to remain anywhere I’m not appreciated. Can’t respect my presence? Hope you enjoy my absence.
My ex, she told me that flirting with other people wasn't cheating and gaslit me into thinking that it's okay, despite me constantly being against it. I thought I was being cool and understanding, but then I found out from a friend that she was actually sleeping around. It messed me up real bad. It's like, why can't people just be honest? If they want to see other people, why not just say so? Instead, they lie and make us feel like we're the crazy ones
I get why you ghosted him. Gut feeling is usually right. We shouldn't ignore it
This generation, man. Sometimes it feels like nobody wants to commit anymore. Everyone's always looking for the next best thing. It's hard to find someone who's really loyal. And I'm not against different type of relationships, but like why did they commit to something that they don't want in the first place? Confusing as hell
Take care of yourself. You dodged a bullet with this one
@Francis J. I’m sorry to hear that you experienced something similar, my heart goes out to you. The crazy part about it is, I literally initiated this discussion at the time of things getting serious which means he lied to my face then. This guy is around my age (late 20s) and that alone had me hesitant, because my preference is anyone 45 and up, but I wanted to do something “out of my comfort zone.”
Not surprised it blew up in my face. I’m hurt but I’ll live. In the meantime I’m just gonna focus on myself and other priorities I’m situating at the moment. I’ll find a love that’s safe and nurturing eventually but this is the universe communicating, “Not now Mitchel” and I’m going to adhere.
@Mitchel Thank you, I'm doing great now without this person in my life. That way it's better 😌
He didn't respect you, and you don't owe him anything. I always believed that silence speaks louder than words. Not sure if these people change, but maybe it'll be his lesson for future, but I expect people in their late 20s to be more mature than this, but maybe not nowadays
You're right about the universe sending a message. These situatios are just redirecting us to something better. Keep focusing on yourself and your priorities. That's the best thing you can do right now
@kelly_williamson I'm so sorry you went through that. It's awful how they can manipulate us into thinking we're the problem. Did you confront him when you found out?
I remember when I confronted my ex, she tried to turn it around on me, saying I was too controlling. It's like they can't take responsibility for their actions. How long did it take you to get over it? I'm still struggling some days, even though I know I'm better off without her.
It's hard to trust again after something like that, you know?
@Francis J. i feel you guys. i've been through something similar. my ex was always texting other girls and saying they were just friends. i tried to be cool about it, but it always made me feel uneasy. turns out, he was meeting up with them behind my back. when i found out, he tried to make it seem like i was overreacting. it's crazy how they can make you doubt yourself like that. i'm glad i'm out of that situation now, but it still hurts sometimes. trust your gut, right? it's usually trying to tell you something important
@kelly_williamson Oh my goodness I can't even begin to imagine what you all went through. It's like my worst nightmare EVER. I am so so sorry, hope y'all can heal and find someone who'll appreciate you beautiful people for who you are
Even though I've never been cheated on, the thought of it scares me a lot. It's like the worst thing someone could do to break your trust. It's not fair that he lied to you and went behind your back like that. You didn't deserve that at all.
I know I can't really give you advice since I haven't been through this myself. But I want you to know that I'm here for you if you need anything. If you want to talk more about it or just need someone to listen, I'm all ears.
@Baby people’s treatment of others is a reflection of themselves. To me this says and shows he doesn’t respect himself and that’s cool, but he’s not about to disrespect me. I’m doing much better today but I appreciate you offering words of encouragement and support. Thank you.🙏🏾
@Mitchel That is so true. People show their true nature themselves, you don't even need to look deeper, every detail is in plain sight.
cheating is so wrong. he will get what's coming to him for being dishonest. don't worry karma has a way of catching up with people who don't treat others right
@Iqrar oh trust me, I know he’ll get his karma. That’s why I ghosted. I’ve given him so many opportunities to correct himself and be honest but it’s clear he had no intention of that. I can’t control others but I can control myself and I’m choosing my wellbeing over stressing about anybody who clearly doesn’t respect themselves.
I admire how you've tried to hold him accountable for disrespectful behavior in the past. It's a shame he didn't appreciate or reciprocate that effort. Usually I'm all against ghosting (just argued about this w/ my friend last night 💀), but git is understandable given the circumstances. PROTECT YOU PEACE!! It's more important than giving someone an explanation they don't deserve. How are you coping with the situation now?
@Marni Rod I am very communicative person and do my best to cultivate fairness, trust and integrity in the relationships I build; platonic or intimate because I’m intentional about everything I do. When it becomes apparent someone’s taking advantage of me and my kindness, I’ll respectfully communicate my choice to disconnect because I don’t believe in ghosting.
Unless someone is an ACTIVE threat to my or others safety, there’s no reason to not inform them why you’re disassociating in my opinion. However since he decided to play in my face and couldn’t respect me enough to say, “Hey Mitchel, let’s go our separate ways.” I’m not going say shit about me ghosting. It’s passive aggressive but I’m tired of people playing in my face, LOL.
It was harder to deal with yesterday but I’m feeling much better today. Woke up feeling recharged, I cooked myself breakfast, have therapy later today and am gonna engage in self care to keep myself grounded. I’m also edited because I’m starting a new job soon. He messaged me saying, “Good morning handsome” but I looked at that message so crazy without responding.
Only reason I haven’t blocked him yet is because I’m hoping he’ll get the “hint” and realise he’s ghosted. In the situation he starts talking crazy and making threats, that’ll be all I need to build a case for a restraining order. Not putting up with it either way, he can go kick it with whoever he was messaging on Tinder, LMAO.
@Mitchel It's awesome that you're taking care of yourself!! That's an inspo for me to do the same hahahha self-care is super important, especially when dealing with stuff like this. I agree with you about ghosting. Usually, I'm not a fan either, but in this case, I think you're doing the right thing. This guy clearly doesn't deserve an explanation after what he did. It's wild that he's still texting you like nothing happened. Talk about clueless...
It's smart that you're keeping those messages just in case. Hopefully, it won't come to needing a restraining order, but it's good to be prepared. Safety first, ALWAYS!
I'm so excited for you about your new job!!! 🎉 That's such great news. It's perfect timing too, a fresh start in your work life while you're closing this chapter in your personal life
no way!! 😱 i literally just downloaded this app to try and heal from my own messy breakup, and this is the first post i see?? thanks for putting into words what i couldn't
for real, my situation was mad similar. i was with this guy for like 8 months, thought we were solid. we'd do all the cute couple stuff: trying out new restaurants, even planned a road trip together. but then boom, everything went sideways
i started noticing he was always on his phone, being all secretive. at first, i was like, "nah, i'm just being paranoid." but that gut feeling wouldn't go away. then one day, i'm using his laptop (with permission) to print something for class, and a message pops up from some girl talking about their "amazing night" together 🤡
when i confronted him, he tried to gaslight me, saying i was overreacting and it was just a friend. but i'm not stupid, did some digging and found out he'd been chatting up multiple girls on for weeks. the audacity!
if he wasn't feeling it anymore, he could've just said so. but naah, he had to go behind my back and play me like that
it's been tough, not gonna lie. some days i'm like, "yeah, i'm over it," and other days i'm scrolling through old pics like a clown. but reading your post, it's like a wake-up call. we really out here dealing with the same bs, huh?
i'm trying to focus on myself now. hit the gym, cooking, anything to keep my mind off that trash
anyway, thanks for sharing your story. it's weird, but knowing i'm not alone in this mess kinda helps. we're gonna get through this. forget those cheating losers, we're onto bigger and better thing
@Flowers-Kathryn reading your response made my jaw drop, I’m so sorry you also experienced this. I know it’s easier said than done but keep pouring into yourself. That’s what I’m doing it helps in more ways than others. Sending good vibes your way.
@Flowers-Kathryn I've been there, like, a year ago. It's crazy how similar our situations are. My ex was all sneaky with his phone too and I found out he was texting other girls. I was a mess. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, kept wondering what I did wrong. But listen, it's not on us. They're the ones who messed up
Trust me, it gets better. A year later, I'm in a much better place. You will be too!
You dodged a bullet! Don't waste another second thinking about him. Focus on yourself and living your best life. The right person will come along when you least expect it
You did the right thing by ghosting him!! He doesn't deserve your time or energy. You gave him chances and he still chose to disrespect you. Don't let this experience jade you; there are good people out there. Take some time for yourself, heal, and remember your worth. You're strong for walking away and not settling for less than you deserve. Keep your head up, better days are coming!
@danni funnily enough, heartbreak actually has a counter active effect on me! Being hurt just encourages me to love harder, myself and others. I don’t regret any of the kindness and grace extended because the person probably needed it more than anything and sometimes that inspires change. Even if it doesn’t, I can’t control how others navigate. I just focus on loving and healing myself and that’s all I need. Appreciate the encouragement and affirmations though!
@danni Surviving narcissistic abuse is what encouraged me to self-reflect. My assailant is a covert narcissist and masked his issues under the façade of being a nice guy. After learning who he truly was and how he navigated, I saw some of myself in him; hiding my true feelings, having no real friends or genuine connections and feeling isolated. Those 3 things alone showed me that’s how I could be if I didn’t seek the help I knew I needed.
It was the trauma he caused me that encouraged me to exercise gratitude for the little things more often and birthed my new found love for life. Knowing he hates himself and that’s why he traumatised me and several others, then educating myself on the sorrows of being a narcissist, helped me understand people’s treatment of others reflects how they feel about themselves. That’s when I became more intentional and selective with the connections built.
Developing discernment was incredibly important because I was overextending myself to people who clearly didn’t have my best interest but wanted to experience abundance by proximity. When I’m aware someone’s intentionally trying to hurt me, that tells me they don’t love and respect themselves. I don’t feel the need to “get back” because that won’t help them nor will it make me feel better. If someone’s unintentionally hurting me, I don’t take it personally because it’s just ignorance. I can only educate them, but if it becomes clear that’s their intent, then I separate myself.
Love and kindness doesn’t fix everything but it gives you closure in more ways than expected. Can’t say I’ve always had this mindset but coming to have a shift in perspective helps navigating conflict. Wishing you all the best in your journey. Definitely wanna encourage you to give yourself grace in the process because things take time, but it’s worthwhile.❤️
@Mitchel Wow!! That's such a fresh perspective. I'm honestly amazed by your outlook. It's so inspiring how you've turned this around. Most people (including me, yes) tend to close themselves off after being hurt, but you're doing the opposite and that's honestly so refreshing to see!! I'm curious, how did you come to this perspective? I just realized that I need to change my mindset asap haha. I'd love to learn more about how you developed this outlook on things!
@Mitchel Mitchel, wow!! Your journey is absolutely incredible. I'm blown away by how you've grown from such a tough experience. It's amazing how you've turned pain into something so positive. I love how you talk about being selective with connections - that's so smart! And the way you handle people trying to hurt you? That's next-level wisdom right there. You're seriously inspiring me to look at things differently. Thanks for sharing all this - it's given me so much to think about! I'm definitely gonna try to be kinder to myself while I work on changing my mindset. You rock! 💖✨
You're way better than me cuz I would've been plotting my revenge from the second I found out 😂 like, I'm talking full-on petty mode activated. Ngl, I'd probably be stalking his social media, tryna find dirt on him and his friends. Maybe even slide into his bestie's dms just to stir the pot 🍵 you know what I mean?
But fr, your way is probs healthier. Ghosting him is lowkey savage and he deserves it. Bet he's losing his mind wondering why you're not responding. You're out here taking the high road while I'd be down in the trenches, planning world war 3 lmao, kudos to you for keeping it classy!
But real talk, I hope you're doing okay. That guy sounds like a total waste of space and you deserve so much better
@UNITY Two things that keep me from seeking “revenge” are empathy and karma. I wouldn’t want someone treating me poorly so I’m not going to treat others less than, but even if someone does hurt me, stooping to their level wouldn’t make me feel any better. What comes around goes around, I don’t have to say or do anything to get back at a person because kindness always prospers. After learning others mistreatment of those around them stems from a reflection of how they feel about themselves, wounded or not, I do my best not to take it too personally. But I do appreciate the well wishes and kudos, thank you!
@UNITY I wouldn’t say your mindset is “high school drama mode” because having your trust betrayed and heart broken is traumatising. I understand why people lash out and become “crazy”, but it does suggest healthier ways to approach and resolve conflict should be considered.
I wasn’t always this self-aware, kind and patient. I have BPD which comes with a lot of turbulence, emotional dysregulation and other setbacks. Before receiving professional services, I thought and behaved just like that. Was angry, impulsive, and overall bitter. Developing self awareness, having a better understanding of myself and others and exercising patience has helped tremendously.
Learning to regulate your emotions and understanding not everything needs a response is such an important thing to teach yourself because you’ll lose yourself every time something emotionally activates you. It’s especially important for me because of my BPD but I encourage it of others also because the less reactive you are, the more peace you’ll have.
Wish you the best of luck with everything! It’ll take time but it’s worthwhile!
@Mitchel you're out here living your best life while I'm still stuck in high school drama mode 🙈 the way you broke down why people act trash Mind. Blown. 🤯 I never thought about it that way before. You're making me rethink my whole approach to dealing with drama. I'm gonna try to channel some of that energy next time someone gets on my nerves lol
Anyway, thanks for your response. It really made me think!
hi mitchel! i've been reading your replies and i just wanna say that you really reminded me of my friend who has this exact mindset. it's kinda cool to see someone else thinking the same way. i get what you mean about not wanting revenge and choosing to be kind instead. i think it's awesome that you can see how people's actions often come from their own issues. that's pretty mature of you. not that easy to not take things personally, but you're doing a good job at it. i really respect how you're handling this whole situation. i hope you're doing okay today. thanks for sharing your story. it's always good to hear how other people deal with this stuff. take care!
@pamelablack182 Hey Pamela, I appreciate this. Thank you! I can’t say I’ve always had this mindset but it’s thanks to therapy and other professional support services I’m able to have a less toxic perspective on situations.
Although I want to clarify I don’t entirely fault people who react abrasively to having their trust betrayed and heartbroken. It’s one of the traumatising things a person can experience. I also want to add that I believe two truths can coexist. Someone can be a kind person but still take no shit from others.
That aside, I’m doing well and hope you are too! Sending love and good vibes your way!
@Mitchel thanks for the reply. i get what you mean about therapy helping. it's cool that you've worked on yourself like that. and yeah, you're right - it's okay to be kind but also stand up for yourself. that's a good balance to have. i'm glad you're doing well! take care and keep being awesome!