my friend did something that hurt me reminding me my abuser and when i communicated on it it kinda went the same way too? not in a malicious way but... tell me if you get me:
for the backstory: back then i was friend with an abusive person who used my triggers against me, accused my reactions of being the issue and then stole my trauma to pretend it was hers, to twist the roles pretending i was the villain and them the victim. horrible person.
to explain some of her actions, for example she would barely show interest in what i was sharing. i remember one time telling her i just met our fav singer and she just said she was jealous and immediately talked over me to talk about the book she bought today and how she proudly humiliated a guy. another time i was telling her that because of my anxiety i totally forgot to go at work and i was feeling bad, she didn't react and just said how happy she was for finally getting an hello from a random girl of her class. many times like that i was sharing successes or just random facts and she only replied to messages about her own person even tho all were sent at the exact same moment.
after displaying signs of ignoring by will i knew i wasn't imagining things and i communicated about it.
i just said about my feels not attacking, i felt not interesting or supported, that i wanted to receive the same treatment i give her, be her equal. of course i gave her every details, even tho she started to ask about the exact moments lol manipulation 101, and found excuse for some, like the ignoring about the celebrity "i had horrible news about my family today so it was more important than that" i was wondering if she lied to make me feel guilty because if so i didn't know it doesn't change the fact you seemed okay to talk about how you belittled someone instead of listening to me, didn't look like someone going thru something hard. but well.
she apologized on the moment (as she would do to close the convo faster but would do it again later...)
few days later i asked her about her day as usual, she replied in a passive aggressive way "no let's not talk about me i talk too much i'm not interesting let's only talk about you." i was like wow, why is she thinking like that, so i asked her on loop if something was wrong she would deny say everything is okay. i didn't realize how manipulative it was btw because she definitely had an issue with me but wouldn't adress it even tho i came with open arms. so after many tries i understood. she wanted me to say what she wanted to hear, i said it just to get an answer, but she probably saw it like me losing the argument and admitting i was indeed trying to erase her.
i said 'is it because of what i said last time" she replied with overly sadness in her text that yes.
but i imploded. she was gaslighting me, i said i never told her to shut herself to lemme exist, i only asked reciprocity, to be mutually existent in our friendship. she used adhd again saying she forgot and had memory issue (i didn't know adhd would make you invent new stuff tho) and while i was having a panic attack because of her she said ok let's talk about something else. like it was nothing, once again to make me look like the crazy one.
now lemme explain how my friend's move reminded me of this.
she is talking on loop about what we would call futile topics but i always listen to her, but she doesn't give the same energy and last time i had the perfect occasion to communicate about it.
she was asking me my advice on something she already asked me 183929 times, and then SHE asked me about my day. so after her turn i explained in different messages what i did, and i even asked her if she wanted to join one day etc. suddenly i didn't have the same reactive message we had when talking about herself. and i added as a test "and you your day?" message and boom, she only replied to this question for minutes. and it's not an accident here all the messages were visible the same way, it was a choice.
so first i felt erased, hurt. first i waited, maybe she makes time to write an answer? then i replied to her new msg about herself and i told her please don't forget to reply to the messages about me too, i felt nauseous having to beg for basic decency.
she said "oops sorry" then replied, but first i felt she only said sorry because i caught her and i wanna know why didn't she do it in the first place but i will never know...
then she said "i'm so sorry i talk too much i didn't let you space" and while i was replying to both msg about her and about me she said "no we don't care about me let's talk about you only" and it bothered me. because once again i never asked to erase her to lemme exist, i told her that no i would never try to evict her to exist, as friends we have to exist together, you can talk, i can talk, both deserve listening.
it's like she pretended not getting the point? the principle is to be on the same equity not that she talks "too much", and you know sometimes it's normal someone talks more than the other, the issue is not that, but about what it revolves around tho.
so yeah even tho i communicated clearly it's like people only understand on their level of perception, but it display projection signs. the worst is that they are not like that to others + when they are victim of it they don't like it so reproducing it on others feels on purpose because i'm... too nice? but why not caring much for the only person that really pours in you
