I’ve never been one to wish hurt or harm on others because I wouldn’t want someone wishing it on me. Every day I do my best to exercise kindness and extend grace whenever possible, however much like anything that can be measured on a scale, there’s a limit.
From childhood into adulthood I’ve suffered mental, emotional, physical and verbal abuse at the hands of the woman who birthed me and through that time, I was told to “forgive her” because she’s also traumatised. I was constantly told, “that’s your mother” in response to openly sharing I hate her because of the pain she caused me. And every time, I was gaslit into believing I was wrong for feeling the way I do and that because she’s “family” it’s no big deal.
Her giving me life doesn’t give her the right to be abusive nor does it give her the right to make mine hell because she’s also traumatised. Trauma being understandable doesn’t make mistreatment of others acceptable and you have me several shades of fucked up if you think I’m going to continue tolerating her abuse.
Even with me being in therapy and support workshops, utilising coping mechanisms when I feel overwhelmed and establishing boundaries, there’s no way we could have a parent-child relationship. She’s not going to change and with me trying I better myself that would only hinder my growth. Every day she makes it a point to trigger me and I’m done giving her grace and being understanding.
From the bottom of my heart I hate this woman and I truly hope she dies. She’s not my mother and never will be. Even if she decided to get her shit together no part of me wants to rekindle and maintain a relationship just because of how badly she traumatised me.
Family are supposed to love and support you. Challenge you in productive ways and protect you. They’re supposed to hold you accountable in situations of fault and educate you to be better. Families are supposed to be a support system and safe place but all of my relatives, starting with the woman who birthed me, are from it.
If me wishing death on them is wrong, so be it. Two wrongs don’t make a right but I’m tired of being told to “forgive and forget”, bypass it or not hold them accountable for their shitty behaviour.
Whoever’s telling you pain will get worse with time is lying for some reason. I have lost my best friend in a car crash when I was in college. Everything from that year is a blur, I hardly remember the funeral, the preparation for it, my friend’s parents asking all of us to keep them company after the funeral… First half of the year, I was very angry. I was angry that my friend’s life was so short. I hated the man who was driving that car and who stayed alive. I hated seeing my friend’s favorite flowers because they reminded me of her, and my brain could not accept her death. I don’t know exactly when the anger turned to sadness, but I think that’s the point called “acceptance”, and from then on my memories of her were not so painful. I do feel guilty sometimes that I’m alive and breathing this air, seeing our common friends… I’m still very much afraid of car accidents. You don’t really get over it, you get through it as best you can. Please give yourself a bit more time to find a sense of direction.
You’ll never stop missing the ones you love. When they pass away, they divide life into “before” and “after”. I’ve lost two of my siblings, I still sob uncontrollably sometimes. It’s a big part of me, like a deep scar, took me a lot of time to go on without them.
I can say that it stops playing in your head after a while though, the body's instinct for self-preservation is strong. You learn to cope with it.
I wish you and your little sister all the love in the world, Vinn. Many hugs 🫂
Just saw your post. I hope you can feel your mother’s presence on her special day. If you feel like it, do something in her honor, anything you want, just to make it through the day. Think about how much she loved you and that she wouldn't want you to be so sad.
@lonely john It’s hare to close the chapters in your life you never wanted to. I would soon be starting a new life and it feels surreal moving onto the next chapter without her. Sending you lots of love from my side
@Zoe yea it was her birthday yesterday. I recalled all the good times together. I honestly don’t know how I got through it yesterday but somehow I did it
@Helena I hope you’re doing better now. I think the greater our grief is, greater was our love for them and love never dies
@Vinn Thank you, Vinn! Wish I could do more for you than just relate to how you’re feeling. Your mother would be proud of how you're coping.
@Vinn That's what my father says all the time: pain is the price we pay for love... My pain has dulled and lost its sharpness, after so many years. I feel sadness when I remember my friend, it's a mixed feeling of sadness and thankfulness I had them in my life.
Yes, therapy helped me in many more ways than confronting my car phobia. I'm very grateful that I was "forced" to go that way by the kind commentators on this platform. I'm hesitant to advise it to you, simply because it might be too early for you to share your grief yet. Therapy is exhausting at times, both healing and draining. Maybe later on you feel the need and turn to it yourself, maybe not.
@Helena Your father is right, on that one. I agree with him completely and it’s good to hear that the pain has lost his sharpness.
Coming to therapy, i don’t really have a therapist and neither I can afford one at the moment. However, I had a talk with the psychiatrist the other day. Tho I still think i won’t be as expressive as I can be in the future due to me still being in the shock stage.
@lonely john Sometimes it does a lot for a person knowing that the other one is also in pain. It makes us feel less lonely, i’m very grateful to have you reached out to me. My mother has 2 siblings and both of them are suffering horribly. Sending my prayers to you.