since i'm healing from the abuse i faced it's like i'm more bothered of the flaws in everyone? i'm not saying i'm perfect i know that i have a lot to change that maybe are bothering some people too! like for example i never organise stuff, i don't take news because of my depression and i have probably lot of others bad behaviors i don't notice etc.
but for example, i'm really happy with the friends i have today i'm glad i have them in my life, i met them at adult life aka when we all have emotional intelligence, the most important quality for me, they are my besties and i'm theirs too, they don't have a lot of friends and i'm their closest but, it's like when i see the tiniest display of behaviors that reminds me of my abuser, even if it's not abusive at all, it makes me rewire my whole view on my friendships and i wonder if i'm too exigent because it's normal to have flaws, they are good people it's just idk, is it my fault for letting them think i'm always okay with everything:
-i have a friend that i think is probably the only one that really cares about me for me, she always put interest in what i share and the other way too, we always respect each other equally. but i notice she rarely understands what minorities like me have to fight, she complains about things when she is actually as a cis het white woman the one having the wrong mentality on some topics. i don't wanna invalidate her feels but she has to be educated too but i feel it will not change much.
-other friend a guy, which i think is probably one of the rarest guy on earth that acts correct, no misogynystic behavior in actions and thinking, he always listen and never judge. but i notice when we go out in group he often coerce into following his choices (politely?) rather than letting others of the group choose too, it's like leader or sometimes we are hesitating so why not, but i think everyone deserves to be listened equally yk.
-other guy i am friend with, kinda complicated because he had lowkey predatory/harrassing behaviors towards me back then and made me feel guilty for it. maybe i gave him wrong signals idk. to anyone facing that i would have tell them to cut contact w him but it's always harder when it oursleves, since we are in a group i didn't want to ruin the crew yk as if it would be my fault. but since we talked about that he apologized, and never did it again he even apologized again years later while i forgot about it. we also often talks abt deep things together, he is the one calling saying he wanna hear abt me. but he has some behaviors in the group where he is quickly bored and even tho we try to entertain him he stays cold, it's valid to be tired but there is some way to show it and it can hurt, or sometime he tease and when i say stop he doesn't.
-i have a friend younger than me, we share a lot of inside jokes, which i love but more we got to know each other it's like she noticed i was the kind to always do what others wants to do. so now we watch and talks abt her personal interests, but not rly mines, maybe because i feel the energy is not the same in this way, or it's my mind overthinking. sometimes also i was happy to talk about some things and she immediately mocked it, it's not that mean tho but i feel she does it only becaus eit's me. also it already happen i had to listen on loop to her complaining abt tiny stuff, but i was ignored on big topics, but then she comes back doing smth nice so i forget everything.
-lastly i have a friend who like me have depression, we understand each other in our suffering, i like the fact that i'm like a safe place to her but she is kinda maybe push too hard with my kindness, she acts in ways she criticize when others do it, but at the same time she is kind and she been here too for me when i was harassed. many times she screwed important plans making me wait for hours, twisted my words and always wanna imposed things, while you know i'm also human and i need my time too for myself, she is needy but she probably doesn't realize how much it is, and i've been rly patient. tho i like that we can communicate when smth is not okay, there is accountability, but it seems to happen again..
see my friends are not mean, i just wonder do they act like that because i showed i was too passive, too understanding, a matrress, so they """"take advantage"""" of it, i don't wanna use that expression because i've been really used for real by bad people, but it's just that it seems unbalanced on some topics, and i wonder if they know what they do because i know they don't do that with others. and also should i maybe assert myself more? i don't wanna attack them because i feel it's a me problem for being so worrying about stupid flaws. how can i change my view on this behaviors?
