So first things, This will be really long. I am really sorry about that and will be really thankfull if someone know the answer to my problem.
My name is Aldi, you can call me smam or aldi. I am 21 years old and currently doing thesis at my bachelor degree and have full time job + side job + enterpreneurship or building business with other people. I am the youngest from my brothers and i have 3 brothers, my family is kinda poor so i need to work extra hard to fullfill me and my family needs.
From primary school, I'll always getting bullied. In primary school i am getting bullied because i am really bad at sport, cant socialize much, and didn't really want to do bad things. There's only some people bully me tho but the bullying comes with physical (punching, kicking, etc) and verbal type. But i still got a really good friend, i still remember how kind he is and one time he teach me how to punch properly too but i never have the courage to do that before. I always hoping that primary school year will be done, then come middle school years. In the middle school i got much bigger problem, i have even less friend and the bully comes in group now. I still remember that the bully group will always wait me after school to do stuff you know what will happen, day by day i either rush to go home quickly or go out with the teacher. I always saying thanks to the teacher and the teacher looks really confused. Some of the time i got ganged up too, got punched in the gut, it really hurts. My only peace time in middle school is when i got into academic competition, my school will teach me in different room when class time so i dont need to attend class and meet with the bully group. Thankfully i am really good at mathematic so about 1/4 to half of my middle school time is spent on the special class for special student to learn for the competition. But thinking back i think i joinned up the competition so i dont get bullyed, but yeah day by day is like hell when i am in normal class and really hoping for middle school years to pass. To this year i still remember the name of the one who bully me, sometimes i search the leader who bully me, or the one who bully me. Most of the time i dont find their profile in internet, some ignore my chat, few people just said its in the past and it doesn't matter. It really hurts and haunt me sometime, to add some salt in the wound. I have friend in the middle school, but they betrayed me because they are afraid to get bullied to if they are become my friend. In high school, the difficulty seems to be lowered in a sense, except the lower difficulty is a fake. The bully still takes in group, but i managed to get some friends that want to talk and befriend with me, most of the time in school they hang out with the bully group but some time they have a nice chat with me. It's looks like a good time to me, until i found out its all a lie. The teacher hate me because i am strange and to strict (maybe because i dont want to do bad stuff, maybe because the teacher feel that handling one people is easier), my friend talk bad behind me when i am not in class, ect. I feel really betrayed, I dont even know who is my friend anymore and how to find a good friend. things maybe easier in the pyhsical bullying department compared to the middle school, but damn it is hurt in my heart.
You all maybe asking, why did stand idle or didnt ask for help? I do ask for help, a lot of time in fact. When i ask for my parent help, they only come to school and told the bully nicely (literally) to stop bully me. And you know what happen? it become worse because i am called a snitch and the bully become more aggressive. asking a teacher will result in the same stuff happening, either they told the bully or both of us going in discussion with teacher in middle one time then next day i got bullied more. Once my parent said for me to ask the bully forgiveness myself to stop bully me, but hell its only got worse. Lot of time people said to ignore the verbal bullying, I can ignore it but there is a cost to that and i will explain it later. Fighting off myself is impossible because they gank in group, my only saving grace is when i got separated because i need to study for competition.
In home, its not really a good place too. I must always yield/give in everytime, when i have a problem with my brother then i need to be the one to say sorry or they wont talk to me (my parent said that) then i need to kneel down and say sorry to them. My brother always got supported more for their school needs, When i make money then i need to pay for their necessities too. Last time i got in a fight with my brother, it is getting heated then my parents become sick because they are embarassed if neighbour heard our fight. So i need to backdown but my brother keep badmouthing me saying i am a thief ect. If you want the context, the internet package got depleted really fast and my brother have the tendency to blame others. I give every proof that when i use the wifi or i am not using the wifi (because i am not home and working far from home) and the internet package get depleted fast too. But my parents always ask me to back down and be patient. Right and wrong become gray to me, if being bad have no consequences and become more happy then why should i be good? why should i the one to back down? but yeah thats only one example of the problem.
For my university days, the first and second semester is really busy because orientation so not much stuff happening. In the second semester covid comes then everything become online so nothing interesting happen (maybe if covid not coming i will be bullied again?). Online classes keep happening till my last year, i only need to be patient at home and honestly its better than in school because i am not having problem with my brother everytime. Its just for my thesis, i need to do it by 3 people team. I choose my own member, the first one is my personal friend (yeah stupid me, i dont know if he is really my friend but i am having good time gaming with him) and the other one is someone who is really good at my thesis topic. Because i am always failing and need to take extra step and really cautious then i always plan ahead and choosing best member. I do the 60-80% part of the thesis and the rest is divided between my other member, i provided the necessary tool out of my pocket money even though i am really hard on money too so they can do their task easily. but what happen? THEY IGNORED ME FOR MORE THAN 6 MONTHS, i got really depressed because i need to graduate so my salary will increase and i hopefully theres some money left for me to enjoy (thats right, every month i always out of money because my parents will always ask for it like for my brother necessities). My brother didnt even have a job, they always ask for money then go out from home to look for job (its just empty words). But stupidly my parents always believe it and they got so much in debt because my brother sweet words. FYI my brother is 35+ years old now and they dont have a single job experience, they always get supported but i dont because i can fill my own necessities. Like i know i can fullfill my own necessities but its still really hard to see when my brother got provided with money but i need to work my ass off to pay for my college. FYI again My 2nd and 3rd brother is 35 years old with no experience and my 1st brother is 38 years old with full time experience but he got cancer and i need to help for paying the treatment too.
The problem i said above is just a glimpse of it, most of the time i always failed or the odds is stacked again me so i need to plan ahead and being extra carefull. Even though like that i still get screwed off sometime like my thesis that currently happening. My enterpreneurship with my friend where my friend work less and didnt answer my chat, I want to cut off the partnership but i still got a client that need to be done because my name is on it (hell the client is really slow too to provide what i need to finish the project).
Now lets talk what i feel and my problem is:
- I am having a hard time trusting people
- Got a bad dream sometime about the bad stuff happening to me like bullying and waking up really tired.
- Can't smile because i always put poker face when i got verbally bullied.
- Got really cold attitude and dont have any feeling, when my friend in primary school got an accident i didnt feel anything but i know that i must feel something because he is my friend. My oldest brother got cancer but i still dont feel any remorse at all.
- Having anxiety, low self-esteem, closing my eyes and cant look at people when i speak, my legs and body really shaking when talking to people especially group of people.thats strange tho because i am a leader type in my job so i cant have these traits
- Having really negative though, like i think that dying is better because i wont get any problem at all. Logically thats true, but on the one side i must keep living and never give up plus my religion said suicide is not allowed.
- Envy when looking people happy, I dont know why its just i want to have a good childhood and life like them.
- Got confused and self conflicting a lot.
- My emotion is always jumping high and low, but i always keep it to my self and not showing it. Other people wont like it when i got mad right? but i am really happy when i do gaming and stuff i like.
- Right now i am procastinating for my thesis, I need to do my thesis. but the stuff that left to be finished is the side that i am not really good at (designing stuff and learning new stuff), it should be where my two friend shine and good at. I try to learn it but sometime i lost motivation or my head hurts, but i need to do my thesis so my salary will Increase.
Someone, anyone please help. I really want to talk to therapy but i always self conflicting, on one side its really pricey and on one side i need to know a way to solve my problem. Hope someone can help me. I am really thankfull if you read it this far, and even more thankfull if you can give me some thought. Thanks!
I feel you, mate. It's like being stuck in a weird video game where nothing feels quite right. Been there, done that. Just remember, this isn't your final form. We’re just going through a rough time, gotta keep trying, yeah?
@cathol1988 it's kinda funny you mentioned video games cuz that's exactly what i do when life gets too hard. like, i try to imagine i'm in some crazy game and it actually helps me cope as weird as it sounds
it's like, when things get super tough, i pretend i'm just playing this weird level in life's game. gotta get through it to unlock the next stage or something. it sounds silly, but it makes the hard stuff feel a bit less real and scary
@cathol1988 the cool thing is, we're all playing together, even if we don't always realize it. and you're so right about the respawning thing! that's what i love about this mindset. bad day? no worries, just hit that respawn button and try again tomorrow. it's like we get infinite lives in this game, so why not use them to keep trying and learning?
@Rajat Mate, that's actually a brilliant way of looking at it! I never thought about it like that before, but it makes so much sense. It's like we're all characters in this massive multiplayer, each with our own quests and challenges to overcome. Wait, and you know what's cool? In games, failing isn't the end, it's just part of the learning process. We respawn, we try again, we get better. Maybe that's how we should look at our tough days too…that’ so interesting huh
I've been dealing with derealization 4 a while now. I'm not a doctor, but I can share my experience with you
For me, it started with feeling like I was living in a dream. Everything around me seemed unreal, like I was watching a movie of my life instead of actually living it. I'd look in the mirror and not recognize myself, scary and confusing
I'd question everything I did. Why am I doing this? Is this real? These thoughts would be in my head all day. The negative thoughts were constant. I felt so disconnected from myself and others. It was like I was a stranger in my own body. I worried I was going crazy or losing my mind
Some days, I'd feel like a robot just going through the motions. Other times, I'd feel like I was floating outside my body, watching myself from a distance. I had trouble concentrating and remembering things. I'd zone out in conversations, feeling like I wasn't really there
For me, learning about derealization was the first step towards feeling better. It helped me understand what was happening and why. I started researching and that helped me a lot. Gradually, I started feeling more like myself again. I was lucky enough to handle this on my own as I don’t have money on therapy, but I’d advise you to seek professional help, bc everyone’s situation is different
Anyway, what helps me now, when I start to feel unreal, is to describe my surroundings out loud. You could try that too
I'm here if you need to talk. What you're going through is temporary. It will pass
@L I S A i've actually been to a therapist about my derealization, but it hasn't really helped much. i've only been a few times, with my last visit being about a week ago. i'm not seeing any changes right now, which is pretty frustrating. it's kinda amazing that you figured it out on your own. i'm a bit jealous :p but also really happy for you. it gives me hope that maybe i can get better too.
@L I S A thanks for the tip. i'll give that thing a try. i'm trying to keep a regular sleep schedule, but my thoughts keep me up at night sometimes. it's like my brain won't shut off. i appreciate you helping me, but most days i feel like i'm failing at everything. it's hard to see any progress when every day feels the same. how long did it take before you started feeling better? i'm trying to be patient, but it's really tough. thanks for listening and being so supportive.
@virjen.1992 hi! thanks for sharing your experience. it's comforting to know i'm not alone in this. three months sounds like a long time, but i guess good things take time, right? 😅 did you do anything specific besides therapy that helped you? i'm willing to try anything at this point. some days are just so hard, you know? i'm just watching myself from the outside. but hearing that you've made progress gives me a tiny bit of hope. i'm just so tired of feeling this way
@zay I'm glad my experience could offer some hope. I totally get your frustration with therapy not helping much yet, but it’s okay, healing takes time and what works for one person might not work for another
Try the 5-4-3-2-1 method: name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste. This can help bring you back to the present moment
Also, I found that regular exercise helped to feel more connected to my body.
You're doing great by reaching out and trying different things
@zay Hey Zay and Shruti! I totally get where you both are coming from. I have a diagnosed DPDR and I just wanted to share that therapy has been a real game-changer for me
I know it's frustrating not to see immediate results, Zay, but hang in there! I'm assuming you've only been to 2 sessions? 2 sessions are just the beginning of your healing journey. It took me about 3 months before I started noticing real changes. PLS be patient with yourself and the process and don’t give up on therapy!
Shruti, PLS consider therapy! Seek professional help to identify what is going on with you. Unfortunately, these symptoms are very often associated with DPDR, but you can manage them easily with the right help
You know, it helps to shake things up a bit. Why not try something totally new and out of your comfort zone? Could be anything—learn to juggle, try a new cuisine or pick up a quirky hobby. Might sound silly, but it can give your brain a break from the heavy stuff. And hey, who knows? You might discover a hidden talent or meet some cool people along the way. Keep your chin up, buddy!
@Elinor Yes and I'm also curious about when these feelings started. Shruti, did something specific happen that triggered these thoughts? This timeline can help in figuring out what's going on. I also highly recommend going to therapy for help or doing something that’ll distract you from these thoughts in the meantime
You say you're trying hard every day and it shows you're really putting in effort to cope with these feelings. That's actually a good sign, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. It's normal to question things about yourself and your life, but I can see how constantly having these thoughts could be really draining.
The way you describe feeling "unhuman" and not like yourself anymore is concerning. Have you ever felt this way before or is this a new experience for you?
I'm wondering, have you talked to anyone else about how you're feeling? Sharing our thoughts with others can help us feel less alone and might even give us a new perspective. Is there someone you trust who you could talk to about this?
I tell this to everyone and you can call me basic, but please don't underestimate the power of physical activity. Even a short walk outside can do wonders for your mental state. When I stayed home all day, I was miserable and didn't have any energy whatsoever.The fresh air and change of scenery can help clear your mind and give you a new perspective. It helped me at least and it helped me a lot. Take things slow and be patient with yourself.Healing and finding your way isn't something that happens by just sitting around and waiting for a change
These feelings of disconnection and unreality can be incredibly distressing, but they're actually more common than you might think. Many people experience periods of feeling detached or "not themselves" at some point in their lives
You should anchor yourself in the physical world. This could be as simple as holding an ice cube in your hand and focusing on the sensation. Physical experiences can help remind your brain that you are indeed real and present in your body
It's also important to be kind to yourself during this time. Try not to judge or criticize yourself for having these thoughts and feelings. They're not a reflection of your worth or strength as a person. Instead, try to approach yourself with the same compassion you'd offer a good friend going through a difficult time, would you shame them for something like this? I hope not!
If you're feeling up to it, engaging in creative activities might also be helpful. Making music is a great outlet for me personally to process my emotions. My music is bad, but I just enjoy the process way more to care about this
Hang in there, okay? This feeling won't last forever, though it might feel that way right now
Dammmm that's really tough am really sorry to hear that am glad you reached out I know how hard that was . Hey can you do me a favor? Take a breath ..in ...... And out again in and out.....and listen.. listen to the voices In your mind and keep on taking a breath don't stop in and out ..... But don't listen to the loud thoughts listen to that one in the back of your mind it's much quieter tell you " that peace is the only thing that you should find" and just hold on to that voice one day at a time...
I feel you, buddy. It's rough when your brain decides to take you on a rollercoaster ride you never asked for. But you're not crazy nd you're not losing your mind. What you're experiencing sounds a lot like depersonalization or derealization, google it, but don't self-diagnose!
It's scary stuff...😢
At times our brains play tricks on us, especially when we're stressed or overwhelmed. It's like your mind is trying to protect you by disconnecting, but it ends up making everything feel worse. This feeling isn't permanent. It might take time, but with the right support and tools, you can find your way back to feeling like yourself again. You're stronger than you realize, even when you don't feel it.
Can you tell me more about when these feelings started? Was there any particular event or change in your life that might have ended up being this?
Kay, this really hit home for me. I've struggled with similar feelings for years, YEARS. I get it. What helped me was diving deep into philosophy and existentialism. It didn't get rid of the feelings, but it gave me a way to understand them. Have you ever read any Sartre or Camus? They talk a lot about these feelings of unreality and disconnection. It might not be for everyone, but for me, it was comforting to know that these feelings have been experienced and explored by great thinkers throughout history. It made me feel less alone. Don't know if that helps, but yeah, here you go, how r you feeling right now?
@Maya P. Ohh no way, I came here just to write something like this and saw your comment. That's wild! My aunt actually advised me to check out some philosophy stuff too and it's like I opened up a whole new world for myself
I've been diving into Sartre and Camus lately, and it's been blowing my mind. How did you get into all of this? Did you just stumble upon it or did someone recommend it to you?
I'm super curious because it feels like such a game-changer, you know? Like, suddenly all these weird feelings I've been having make a bit more sense. It's still confusing as heck, but at least now I have some words to describe it. What was your experience like when you first started reading this stuff?
@Maya P. Your professor is awesome for that. I haven't read "The Stranger" yet, but it's definitely on my list now. So far, my favorite has been "Nausea" by Sartre. It's kinda weird and hard to get through sometimes, but there are moments where it's like BAM, that's exactly how I feel!
It's both comforting and kinda freaky to realize these thoughts aren't just in my head.
Do you ever feel like the more you read, the more questions you have? Sometimes I feel like I'm just scratching the surface and there's this whole ocean of ideas beneath. It's exciting but also a bit overwhelming
@Maya P. When it feels like too much, I usually take a step back and try to apply what I've learned to my everyday life. I'll go for a walk and really try to be present in the moment. It helps ground all these big ideas in reality
I worry that I'm getting too caught up in my head with all this philosophy stuff. Do you ever feel that way? How do you balance exploring these ideas with just living your life?
@courtneymcclain.20 Oh wow! That's so cool that you're into this too! I actually got into it during a pretty rough patch in college. I was feeling super lost and disconnected, and my philosophy professor noticed I was struggling. She recommended some readings, and I just fell down the rabbit hole from there. It's crazy how much it helps, right? Like, suddenly you're not alone in feeling like the world is this weird, absurd place. I remember the first time I read "The Stranger" by Camus - it was like someone had put all my jumbled thoughts onto paper. Have you read that one yet? What's been your favorite so far?
@courtneymcclain.20 Oh man, do I ever feel you on the whole "more questions" thing. It's like every book I read opens up ten new paths to explore. But honestly, I've come to love that feeling. The world is so much bigger and more complex than I ever imagined, and there's always more to learn. When it gets overwhelming, I try to remind myself that it's okay not to have all the answers. Actually, embracing the uncertainty is kind of the whole point