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cecilia2024
1y ago

Emotional coldness... am I a masochist?

I've been doing some thinking lately and I've come to realize something about myself. I think I check all the boxes for emotional coldness and fear of intimacy. I’m deeply uncomfortable with expressing my feelings... opening up about them is torture. Whenever I’m lucky to get close with someone, I pull away for fear of commitment, rejection and perhaps abandonment. This is irrational, I’ve never been abandoned, ever. I haven’t even been in any relationship for more than half a year. :( Why should it be so scary to let others in? I'm stuck in this cycle of pushing people away while desperately wanting someone to break through to me.... almost like I want intimacy but am scared of it at the same time. :( Can it be the reason why I always seem to be attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable? Can it be that I'm drawn to the challenge of trying to break through their walls, even though I can't seem to let anyone break through mine... I tried to trace down the root cause back to my upbringing which only made it more confusing and complicated. My parents were caring and loving towards me, their own relationships were outwardly ideal, rock solid. When I was a small girl, I dreamt my own family would resemble my parents. Thinking back now, I can’t remember much tenderness between them... I never saw any hugs or kisses, they were more like responsible partners and friends than passionate lovers. As a kid, I didn’t find it strange. Should I now?

I have this nagging subconscious voice that tells me if I show a man that I need him, that I can't be without him - I'll become defenseless and uninteresting, a conquered territory. My mind shuts down at the point when rationalization and logic are not enough, and they are not enough for most people. Is it really the fear of intimacy, that I’m afraid to admit I have feelings for someone and sound robotic and business-like? Or is this the fear of commitment? My friend told me I fall for unavailable guys and push away those who’re down for something serious because I’m an avoidant type and a masochist, that deep down I like being hurt… can it be true that I’m somehow mentally damaged in that regard? I’m so frustrated with myself, I crave that closeness and connection but something inside me holds me back...

Hope I won’t be judged here, confessing this was not easy. Thanks for lending me an ear.

Specialist answer
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Veena Choudhary
1y
Specialist

The feeling you shared that " if a show a man that i need him and i can't be without him then i will become defenceless and uninteresting. This reflect a lack of confidence. If you truly want to have a lasting and satisfying relationship, you must first acknowledge and work to overcome your self-doubt and lack of self-acceptance by challenging your thinking. There is some work which needs to be done from your end in order to conquer a fear of intimacy that only you can do. It is challenging those negative attitude, challenging those fear. Check where this fear is coming from. You can write down when such thought arising. then question those thoughts is it my belief i am uninteresting or has he made me feel that? if also i do become uninteresting so what? Don't i want to portray my real self or the real me? why do i fear to lose him if i be the real me?


You also need to do a exercise where you question yourself what do i think about the real me (who am i as a person) vs what do i think world wants me to be known as vs what does your boyfriend think about you ( ask him how does he see you as a person, what qualities do you have). compare and see for all the 3. This will help you understanding yourself much better. See what do you portray vs what others portray you as. It will also gain you an insight about what is stopping you from intimacy as there are certain things which you are worried about which could be being judged by others or humiliated by them if they see the real you or deep down you may feel i am not worth enough for the love. When you treat yourself as someone worthy of love, care and discipline, your view of yourself will change. You will realise you deserve more than what you've been getting and take steps to make that happen. You will be determined that you are worth the risk it takes to open up and share your true self.


You should also write down your positive aspects of relationship everyday. Example like what and how was your boy friend good to you today, what did he do today which made you happy. Research shows looking at positive experiences can be beneficial for people with intimacy. Having such experiences may improve your ability to form intimacy gradually.


You should start taking the baby step if you want to work on intimacy. Just start with first expressing how do you feel with your day to day events. Express to him how do you feel today. see how does it make you feel when you share your feelings with him. Start slowly and gradually. This will help you with the un-comfortability factor of expressing feelings.


Achieving intimacy takes time but remember it would also involve risk of getting hurt. But you can develop skills to nurture yourself in the face of such hurt, if it comes.

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fiotsudare
1y

What your friend said about you is very cruel, I don’t believe it’s true. Perhaps there’s a more relevant explanation, like trust issues. Maybe you can’t let your guard down because you can’t allow others see the vulnerable side of you. It can stem from a fear of getting hurt or being let down. It does not require you having any prior negative experience in relationships. Sometimes it goes deeper than personal experience; your parents were probably your negative experience that encouraged remoteness between partners. The key may also be your own self-esteem, if you don’t feel you’re worthy of someone loving you. That might explain your choice of people who are not serious about relationships: you self-sabotage to reaffirm you don’t deserve love. If any of this resonates with you, I encourage you to think about personal therapy.

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unregulated101
1y

Many people guard their most fragile feelings because we’re all afraid to be hurt. It’s a natural instinct, don’t worry about it being anything mental (in a sense of an illness or a disorder). Can you say about yourself that you tend to avoid emotional pain?

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hessso
1y

Hey there, major props for opening up like this. No one will judge you here, it’s a safe environment for any kind of discussions 🤗

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forsakenEd
1y

It's not uncommon to be drawn to individuals who mirror our own emotional struggles, such as being attracted to emotionally unavailable partners. This dynamic can feel familiar to you. Childhood trauma doesn’t always derive from parenting, though in your case, I wouldn’t exclude such possibility. I’m pretty sure the most evident advice you’ll get is that you must stop bottling up your emotions and practise letting them out, to attune to them and stop being afraid of them. Explore Acceptance Commitment Therapy.

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cecilia2024
1y
Author

@unregulated101 Yes, I think I can. Risking to sound very stupid, I feel like I don’t want to be an open book. People often change the way they act when you become closer and get into their inner circle. They care less about how they act around you. I guess what I’m really afraid of is that once they know all the parts of me, know exactly how I feel about them, they’ll distance themselves from me. It happened once or twice with friends. There's also some other fear I can't quite explain. The fear of losing myself if I give too much of myself to another one...

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unregulated101
1y

@cecilia2024 None of it is stupid, and you hit the spot with choosing the word “risk”. What you’re really avoiding is risk. The thing is if we aren’t ready to risk, we’ll never find true love, and will never establish any kind of meaningful connections with others. It all comes down to risking being disappointed. The more you avoid it, the more your fear grows and becomes a pattern with all other people. If you remain in that safe zone, you won’t get hurt, but you’ll also keep feeling isolated and unloved. So your task is to deliberately put yourself in situations when you must put your heart on the table and let another person explore you and see all your weak parts. Disappointments help us grow. If you can open up to strangers, you can gradually learn to do the same with your partners. ;)

Lu
Lucas Guillemette
1y

I agree with the comment that how you’re choosing to react to others is a mental and emotional self-defense mechanism. You need to learn to filter out the “unavailable guys” as you label them, and to connect with people you feel safe around.

Shutting the door to everyone is bad because you’re missing out on many good things and people. Can you think of ways to keep that door sliiighlty open for the right kind of people to sneak in? 😉

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