I've been doing some thinking lately and I've come to realize something about myself. I think I check all the boxes for emotional coldness and fear of intimacy. I’m deeply uncomfortable with expressing my feelings... opening up about them is torture. Whenever I’m lucky to get close with someone, I pull away for fear of commitment, rejection and perhaps abandonment. This is irrational, I’ve never been abandoned, ever. I haven’t even been in any relationship for more than half a year. :( Why should it be so scary to let others in? I'm stuck in this cycle of pushing people away while desperately wanting someone to break through to me.... almost like I want intimacy but am scared of it at the same time. :( Can it be the reason why I always seem to be attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable? Can it be that I'm drawn to the challenge of trying to break through their walls, even though I can't seem to let anyone break through mine... I tried to trace down the root cause back to my upbringing which only made it more confusing and complicated. My parents were caring and loving towards me, their own relationships were outwardly ideal, rock solid. When I was a small girl, I dreamt my own family would resemble my parents. Thinking back now, I can’t remember much tenderness between them... I never saw any hugs or kisses, they were more like responsible partners and friends than passionate lovers. As a kid, I didn’t find it strange. Should I now?
I have this nagging subconscious voice that tells me if I show a man that I need him, that I can't be without him - I'll become defenseless and uninteresting, a conquered territory. My mind shuts down at the point when rationalization and logic are not enough, and they are not enough for most people. Is it really the fear of intimacy, that I’m afraid to admit I have feelings for someone and sound robotic and business-like? Or is this the fear of commitment? My friend told me I fall for unavailable guys and push away those who’re down for something serious because I’m an avoidant type and a masochist, that deep down I like being hurt… can it be true that I’m somehow mentally damaged in that regard? I’m so frustrated with myself, I crave that closeness and connection but something inside me holds me back...
Hope I won’t be judged here, confessing this was not easy. Thanks for lending me an ear.
