As a sale specilist, my current work situation is causing me great distress. My confidence has taken a hit, and I find myself lacking interest in my job. I feel intimidated by those around me and overwhelmed by the workload. These emotions have left me feeling unmotivated and useless, and I even start ti think that I's stupid.

To try and alleviate some of this stress, I took a couple of days off. However, I couldn't fully enjoy my time off due to the overwhelming guilt I felt about the impact my absence may have had on my colleagues.

Although I would love to leave this job, I am unable to do so because of financial responsibilities and not wanting to disappoint my gf.

This week I had two online interviews via instant messaging. I was told by each one that I had gotten a job from them but it turned out that I had to buy the equipment needed for the job with a check they would send me. My parents told me they were both scams. Strangely enough I got a large check in the mail today but from a different company. Likely a fraudulent check.

I feel like such a fool

I really had my hopes high that I would be able to get a good second job doing something I love, but it was all a clever fake. They didn’t take any money from me but they did break my heart and take away my confidence. No other job that I apply for seems to want me and the only people that do are scammers who see how stupid I am. One of my greatest wishes for this year (along with finding a theater company in nj that I could belong to, a group of friends I could call my second family, and the freedom to live the life I want to live) is to find a job that makes me feel happy and fulfilled. Now I feel like I’ll never find it. Is the universe mocking or punishing me? I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy. I feel so depressed I can’t do anything. I don’t know what to do. How do I get out of this funk?

I risk to sound stupid, but I think I’ve suddenly realized I feel afraid in tight spaces. I don’t know what changed. This never used to be a problem before. Maybe when I was younger, I was smaller and somehow such places didn’t seem tight? Or maybe I knew less when younger and had more optimistic views? Not sure. All I know is I can’t handle being in rooms with no exit. It’s not just a feeling of unease or feeling uncomfortable… I feel dread. My lungs begin to fail me, and I sense a rising sense of panic. The problem is I’m not talking about the obvious fears like elevators, those can be avoided by taking the stairs. Recently I’ve caught myself being anxious when I am in closed spaces with a lot of people! The first time it happened, I was in an underground nightclub with two of my friends. The place is popular, many people visit it every night. And I think I was the first person in history to almost faint shortly after we arrived there. I felt nervous the moment we descended a narrow staircase, maybe because the club was packed with people, and I don’t like such places. While my friends were having their first round of shots, my brain was calculating how fast this place would get on fire and how many people would be able to get out at once using that staircase! I convinced myself that it was the smell of cigarettes and sweat that went to my head and made me dizzy. But how can I explain that I get the shivers when my niece watches a scene where the main character finds himself inside the belly of a monster?? Me, the 25-year-old grownup, has to turn away to stop my mind from picturing myself inside that slimy bag of skin! My last straw was my panic in the theater on Saturday night that almost made my fiancée call the ambulance… I think I fear my sense of fear more than anything else now! We were sitting in the middle, with narrow rows of seats and a palpable sense of closeness to other people in front of me and behind. All my mind could think of was this crowd, and the distance to the closest exit. When the lights dimmed and the person to the right from me took his seat, I went off the rails… The urge to flee, to escape the confinement of the room was more than any desire to see the show. My fiancée said he saw the blood literally drain out of my face. What do I do now? Do I have to avoid crowded events now, and meticulously plan my routes to ensure escape?? What if I begin to fear flying? After all, it’s technically sitting with a bunch of people in a metallic box in thin air. This is crazy. 😫

This may seem too long to read but I am helpless and hopeless so just trying if any one can give me good perfect advice according to what I am dealing with or how can I get back into life being successful , earn money , that feeling of being loved again. I am completely new to sharing what I am suffering so don't mind if I seem too idiotic or stupid but that is how I feel. Mostly I think it has been my mistakes only because you can't blame anyone else if you have made your life not worth living because a lot of people suffer much more and they still stand tall. I don't know but I am suffering every day and just desperately want to get out of this stage of my life which has been too long. So writing here in just a ray of hope that someone will read this and understand and then give me some advice or atleast some consolation that things it still get better.

So here is the whole story :-

I am from India. And I used to be a very bright student in my school days. Always used to score better than almost everyone till the time I fell for a girl. Yeah it should not have happened but it did because I was a idiot. So after I fell for a girl who was too beautiful lovely and she had all the qualities ticked. We were into a relationship for almost 4 years. Just before my high school board exams she broke up with me. There was no cheating or seeing someone else. It was also not that we fell out of love for each other. It was just that we were not able to meet each other quite often because of coaching classes and all. But we used to talk over phone and texted each other a lot. That not meeting quite often started to create problems between us because it was that thing which always used to clear any fights or anything else from our relationship equation. Then that distance grew and the fights started more and more and she broke up with me before the high school board exams. She loved me and I loved her a lot too but somehow I was not left capable enough after breakup to study for the exams.

And then started my downfall. I failed in my board exams because I was not able to study. I did not cared for anything which was happening that time. All in my mind was just her.

I started drinking smoking which I never even thought of. Then she left for another city for college. She somehow realised her mistakes too and she wanted to get back with me. She also gave a lot of signs that she wants to get back with me. But there was this thing which I felt guilty about always from the day I knew it. It was that somehow when we used to kiss and get too close few of those times I got too excited and ended up with upsetting her. I knew that I did wrong but all this with the growing distance between us made her slightly hate me I guess or just angry.

That excitement thing never was the issue when she got into college and tried to get back with me again but that guilt never left me that I have hurt that one who I loved most after my parents. Even if it was not a big issue. So I always thought even when she tried to get back with me that I will end up upsetting her only. Also I was too much into self depressing mode that I didn't even noticed her signs of let's get back together. Now after a year or so she got busy and settled well into the new city so made friends and all but we always used to be in touch. Sometimes we used to call and chat with each other. Also whenever she used to come back in a year we used to meet every year.

After a gap of year I also started engineering course but she was always in my mind. I used to think that once I will get better I will tell her everything. And which I did but then it was too late.

Now starts the real downfall in my life.

The thing which gave me hope all those years was gone now. So now I started smoking pot day night anytime. Same with alcohol. Then came hard drugs.

I spent all my parents hard earned money on these things which were not making me better but on the contrary I was drowning. Drowning in guilt shame and also the effects which I was having with the heavy usage of those drugs.

College ended and I ended too with no job.

Then I quit all of it for months and tried to take control of my life. Get a job earn money gain confidence which got so low because of the drugs and all the feelings in which I was not interested anymore. Needless to say even though I got opportunities to get a gf again I was not over her so I did not even tried to get to say even yes to anyone.

Then again started a period of heavy drug abuse.

Relapses happened again and again because whenever I got sober I started getting dreams almost on a daily basis of her. I was not able to feel good any day because I always used to think what has happened should not have happened etc and needless to say I already was recovering from heavy drug abuse.

Now as I am sharing this I am fully sober for few months now but still with those dreams of her or where I am in my life suffering with no job no money even though I am 27 now. Low self esteem low confidence. She has got someone in her life who is very good looking and successful and she seems to be in perfect love story now. All I can think of is how I can get things to make work for me now ? How am I going to get my pride my confidence back ? How am I going to get fit again ? How am I going to get a good job ?

Just hopeless and full of despair is the condition of my life. Although it has been since a lot of years but the drugs used to get a escape route to me which I don't want now. But I want to see myself get back in life. Everything I had a dream of I want to fulfill those. But how ? Just how ?

If anyone is kind enough to read till the end and even think that I am a fool idiot dumba** which you are right I was, can you give some advices ? Help me out to get me help myself.

If you even read till the end I am very thankful to you.