hello ,i am a 19 years old girl who studies ingeneering,my doctor said that i am suffering from derealization and strong depression ;so i have been taking medication for 2 years but i dont feel any improvement. in fact it is getting worst than ever.concerning derealization,it makes me feel like im in a dream which i have to wake up from, everything seems unreal in a bad way that i am always skeptical about my own existence and also the others', i believe that im in a virtual word eventhough smth inside is still reminding me that this word is real which give the sensation that im becoming a maniac, even the sky seems like a picture to me and gives me the feeling that im stuck on earth. i live like that everyday and this state doesnt disappear even for a single minute.it really hurts so much , specially when nobody belives what i say because of the fact that my inner self still tell me that im in the real word which is really confusing.it hurts so much and im scared;terrified and lonely , i feel like im stuck inside my head,i feel like my brain is trying to pull me down,im fighting against my own self.it is very hard to continue my studies like this ,in fact even my professor seems unreal ,i cant listen to him , i cant hear him,i cant concentrate at all, him and all people surrounding me seem very far ,and im just a watcher.this state of mine makes me very upset and angry,i know that im not okay , all i can feel is disgust , pain and sorrow. it s been 3 years now that i havent felt happiness or any positive emotions , all my smiles are fake because i dont wanna be weird with others , so sometimes i laugh, smile and say jokes in order not to hear them question me if im okay,since then im not living but just existing,and sometimes think of ending that painful existence, the only thing that's keeping me from it is the fact that maybe i will find smth more painful in the other life,so i can say that if i had a reassurance that there will be nothing after i die i will die with pleasure, but for now ;i am afraid to live as well that i am afraid to die.
