Paranoia and depression

I 39f married, one kid. I’m not happy. I’ve suffered from depression for a very long time, since 30yrs when I gave birth to my kid. I’ve tried to keep it under control, but lately I find my anxiety and nerves are through the roof. I’m mentally tired and my mood swings are random and unprovoked. Everything and everyone annoys me, I’m aware of it, but I can’t do anything about it. I shout at my kid and I argue with my husband. At the same time, I fear that everyone’s annoyed at my mood swings, that they’ll stop loving me and won’t want me around.

When I told this to my husband for like the fifth time, he said I needed to start taking pills again but I simply can’t make myself. I’ve developed a fear for all kinds of chemicals after watching several documentaries about Big Pharma conspiracies, and also after realizing what my own antidepression meds did to me. I was numb and senseless all the time. My husband thinks I was fine, but I was anything but fine when I was taking those meds. I was feeling nothing, super drained, no physical or emotional responses, just blankness. I can’t come back to that. I actually think taking those meds triggered my paranoia. We still don’t know for certain how meds affect our brains in the long run, and I’ve been taking them for almost nine years… I know that I was never so distrustful of other people, I never felt so acutely that everyone was against me, never was so paranoid about food or pills. I’m scared of a possiblity I might develop something more than depression, like psychosis or something worse. Please help