Are there any ways to control emotions or let them out without being aggressive to everyone around me? My sister says I have anger issues.
Irritation and anger plague my every waking moment. I know all the reasons. I’ve lived alone for years, and now I have to look after my elderly grandfather. I know I’m doing the right thing, and I’m the only one who can do it. My sister is a single mother with two small kids. I honestly thought I’d be much better at it. I used to work from home, now I deliberately go out to coffee shops and malls to have a few hours alone with myself. But I’m always surrounded by people, and I hate it. Little noises trigger me and I lash out at strangers. I’m tired of saying “sorry”. It’s like some part of me has woken up inside, and it’s always waiting for bad things to happen. Last week I came back for dinner to feed grandfather and give him pills and my sister arrived. We’ve had an agreement that she’d come in the evenings, and I’d be able to leave for a while. Turns out it’s inconvenient for her, because obviously she has more time when her kids are at school. It pissed me off so much!! I was ready to smash the cake she brought against the window. I suppressed my feelings of rage as best I could and left the room. But she still came in to tell me not to slam the door in her face. Am I disgusting, or are my family members ungrateful ********?
Sometimes the dumbest things set me off, like unexpected calls from the office. I’ve asked them to schedule our meetings beforehand, since I can’t jump into a video call at a minute’s notice, I may be walking to the cafeteria or be busy with my grandfather when someone decides they need to discuss something stupid right this moment. Logically, I know it’s not my place to raise my voice at my colleagues. But I just can’t control myself. They’re so frustrating! All I want is to be left alone. I want to scream and break things, and not to regret it. I don’t want this responsibility in my life. It’s too stressful and it makes me a bad person. I hate to be angry. How can I stop it?
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