I don’t know where to go so here I am. I’d better waste another half hour on typing this than calling another sex line,,, It never occurred to me before to ask for help with this, it was always about other things. More Important Things. And yet the treatment for major depression (MDD) only controls my symptoms. But it doesn’t remove them. I’ve been in therapy for depression until my financial issues and debts made me stop. I also used to be a drug addict but I’ve been clean for years. The doctors always think they have it all figured out… that they’ll just tweak a couple things, reset your dopamine levels and boom… you’re fixed. But I need something else other than antideps, I need serious treatment that I don’t have money for… My depression is not the cause anymore, it’s the symptom. I’m a sex addict.

For a very, very long time I though it was the other way round. My therapist told me my brain lacked the happiness hormones that’s why I found the new source in sex. Bullshit. We’ve tried three antideps over two years. Two of them made me suicidal, the third curbs the libido only slightly. I wish someone had told me when I was 18 that my sex behavior was inappropriate. No one ever tells you that until it’s too late... When you’re a high school student with an insatiable appetite for sex, your peers will only envy you. They don’t see it as a problem. How could I know. I skipped classes just to sneak off with another girl, thinking it was all just a normal part of growing up. If anyone had told me those early experiences would set me on a path of destruction I’d say they were prudes. Ain’t it ironic that the prudes are now living happy lives with their wives while I rot in my self-hatred,,,

My wife left me. Therapy was her idea, so in a way she tried to be patient with me. By the time we met I got clean from drugs and was not hooking up with prostitues anymore. I was absolutely sure my life was taking a new turn. The doctors told me so! I had no more desire for drugs, my depression was still considered non-resistant to medications. They all lied to me or perhaps were delusional because when drugs are invovled you don’t really talk about such small things like sex addiction.

The truth is, as I got older, my addiction only morphed into something more insidious - an obsession with porn and sex lines. My wife didn’t suspect at first. I looked normal, I acted the same way. My porn use was prob around a couple hours a day. Any doctor would call it “average”. But it wasn’t enough. I turned to paid sex lines, sexting and online kinks. But I wasn’t doing anything risky as I did before, no one said I should worry. Where’s the line between a healthy sex drive and an addiction? I can’t even pinpoint exactly when I crossed it. Maybe when I started turning up late for work unable to get up early after I’d been on the phone all night into the early hours. Or maybe when my wife found all the sex messages on my phone and all my extra credit cards. I’m not even sure if she left because of what I did or because of the piling debts… Probably both.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. Don’t give me pity. Just fcking warn your boys that sex is not healthy. It’s worse than drugs, no one knows how to deal with it nor wants to, until you get into a state when you literally can’t function, and then there’s a conveniently super expensive clinic somewhere out there to help you with all your problems. I don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe I deserve to be alone and hated after all I’ve done.

A lot of the time, people hear “social media influencer” and think of brand ambassadors and celebrities. More often than not, people will also roll their eyes when said influencers complain about hardships they experience because content creation is often associated with entitled rich people who have no self-awareness or faces challenges like that of the average person. That’s understandable, but what a LOT of people don’t know is that being a content creator isn’t as luxurious as they believe.

There’s this misconception that EVERY social media influencer (or person with a platform) is “rich” or financially stable enough to survive off their earnings which is FALSE. How do I know? Because I’M a content creator and have been financially struggling even AFTER coming into a platform. My situation isn’t an isolated case, either. Statistically speaking, in order to be considered an “influencer”, a user must have 500K followers MINIMUM across their platforms, and I’m only a little less than half. Additionally, every sponsor is different. With my circumstances, I only receive 10% of commission IF a person uses my referral link and discount code during checkout.

I don’t have many sponsors but that’s for a reason. If I’m going to collaborate with a company, I do extreme research because I don’t want to promote a brand that’s harmful or negatively impacts the environment, community, etc. While my content is very versatile, I try to send the overall message of spread kindness, creativity and education.

I love being content creator because I have the opportunity to educate, entertain and encourage younger black and brown creatives with my content which is a personal mission statement I chose for myself, but the disadvantages make it exhausting. Platforms are constantly hiding black and brown creators content which means we have to work twice as hard. There’s also a lot of racism and discrimination within fandom spaces which is why I have comment filters enabled because every day I wake up, I have bigots calling me slurs. I have to deal with queer phobia, fetishising and other derogatory remarks. I have people assuming I’m “intimidating” because of my platform or believe I’m entitled because most media influencers are. Don’t even get me started on the defamation of character I experienced that started over another person’s envy.

I’m hesitant to collaborate with other creators because I’ve had to continuously disassociate with people who’ve been outed as abusers and predators in the recent past. I’m wary to befriend other creators because I’ve had people take advantage of my kindness and only see me for my platform and not as a person. After being DOXED by a former friend who was jealous I came into a platform, I acquired stalkers who TO THIS DAY, continue to harass me. It’s exhausting.

The anxiety inducing thing about it all is that the more my platform grows, the more my privacy shrinks. I’ve lost friends and relationship partners because of stalkers and people from my platform being invasive, prying into my private life even when it wasn’t publicised, and as a result I stopped sharing milestones of my recovery. I’m being recognised in public and other places I frequent which makes me fearful for my safety. I am not a celebrity or someone with extreme notoriety for me to experience any of this and it’s incredibly frustrating because when I try to be vulnerable about my frustrations, people downplay the seriousness of it.

I don’t know about anyone else, but it doesn’t feel good to vocalise distress about being followed and for a majority of responses to be, “That means you’re famous!” or “that’s so cool, I wish I had stalkers!” Yes I can delete and filter negative or derogatory comments, and yes I can disconnect and take breaks from media. I do it frequently to preserve my mental and emotional health. What I can’t do however is put the stalking to an end and pursue legal action to ensure that.

I don’t want to be hyper vigilant or over analytical of everything because that fear can deprive me of a lot of opportunities. I do my best to keep a clear mind and open heart but repeatedly experiencing traumatising situations in real time triggers me beyond belief. I love being a “social media influencer” but it’s exhausting.

I worked for a government agency and was quite happy with my job. It happened that I became close to a girl and supported her in her work. I wanted to be a hero in her eyes. And I was! She looked at me literally as an idol and a meter of the profession. I explained and showed her everything. Yeah, I liked her! What's the big deal? I was the "soul of the team", and after her appearance colleagues began to actively jealous. I didn't spend much time with them anymore. The conflict was escalating and I was "growing wings" because of the girl's admiring eyes. One day I had a fight with the team I was working with. In the course of the conflict, I said that if I continued to be pressured like this, I would leave. "Where will you go? Who needs you?" said one of my colleagues. It was at lunchtime. I was savagely hurt by that phrase. I started looking at job postings at lunchtime. Emotionally, of course. My girlfriend said, looking at me admiringly: "You should go straight to being a director. Now I'm gonna have to get a director's job for her. I found a vacancy for a director and called there, sending my resume. The manager answered that just today, in a couple of hours, the final interview would begin. And if I want to be on time, I have to come today and it's actually unlikely, because the director has already been seen, but the interview with other candidates will still be. I really wanted to go. The urge to quit my job on the same day was wild with resentment. I told the girl that I was going for an interview and she was happy. I told my coworkers when I left work that I was going to a new job. They were surprised, but they also looked incredulous. Something like "you are angry, calm down and come back tomorrow". When I walked into the office for the interview, the manager said the interview was coming to an end and there was no point in me coming in anymore. What? I started pushing through. Saying everything I could think of, putting pressure on them. The girl got upset and ran to her supervisor. Apparently, her story to Naalstvo was emotional and I was invited to come in. I met the owner of the business and was so convincing that .....They chose ME! I didn't doubt it, I felt like a pro! All the office managers were shocked. As I found out later, a director had actually been chosen for the office beforehand, but the owner didn't like him very much. But the whole staff did. That's why they wouldn't let me go to the interview. And that's when I burst in and broke through. The owner of the company said that he was looking for just such a "punchy" person and he liked the way I went to the closed interview. The decision was made. And I was told to fire the entire staff and hire a new one. Can you imagine the eyes of the female employees who wouldn't let me in??? But most important to me were my girlfriend's eyes, shining and telling me "I knew you were the best." Needless to say, when I came to quit my previous job the next day, my colleagues were shocked and asked me to stay...but it didn't matter to me anymore.. So, believing in myself I did the impossible...And the businessman who took me on as director later told everyone "I found a diamond in the rough"

Warning: Sensitive Content

Hiii I'm Rai. I came here to write down my feelings since I have no one to share this with. I grew up in a toxic household where females experiencing discrimination. I'm an only daughter. I have two brothers, one is older and one is younger, in short I'm a middle child.

My mom and dad parted ways when I was born. I grew up with my grandparents comapany becaye my mom had to left us to her parents because she needs to work in order for us to live.

With my grandparents, I experienced physical abused. My grandma used to hit me with metal causing wounds and break bones. My grandma taught to be a fast-learner because if not, she will hit me again. A small mistake, is a big deal for her.

When I turned 7 years old, my grandma died. I was left alone with my brothers and my grandpa. That was when I started to seek for a female role model, a feminine energy sadly, I never get what I needed.

When I turned 7 years old my mom and dad got back together. I thought we would be happy but no. It became chaotic.

My family treated me like a trash. Funny how I expected them to treat me like a princess since I'm an only daughter but turns out, they're treating me like their yaya/nanny.

I'm also an academic achiever but my parents are not proud of me and they will never be proud of my achievements. For them, my grades are still low when in fact, I'm always in the dean's lister.

I remember when I bragged about my exam. I told them that I got the highest score in the class and they told me "as you should."

They never appreciate me, my hardworks and efforts. I did my best but it still wasn't enough for them. I'm so tired of proving myself to them. I'm always doing my best, I sacrificed my health but still, it's not enough. All they did was to humiliate me in public and bragged the things I have no control.

I'm so tired of fighting. I want to harm myself and cut my lines.