Post
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stephen in space
1y ago

It’s not depression it was sex addiction that destroyed my happiness

I don’t know where to go so here I am. I’d better waste another half hour on typing this than calling another sex line,,, It never occurred to me before to ask for help with this, it was always about other things. More Important Things. And yet the treatment for major depression (MDD) only controls my symptoms. But it doesn’t remove them. I’ve been in therapy for depression until my financial issues and debts made me stop. I also used to be a drug addict but I’ve been clean for years. The doctors always think they have it all figured out… that they’ll just tweak a couple things, reset your dopamine levels and boom… you’re fixed. But I need something else other than antideps, I need serious treatment that I don’t have money for… My depression is not the cause anymore, it’s the symptom. I’m a sex addict.

For a very, very long time I though it was the other way round. My therapist told me my brain lacked the happiness hormones that’s why I found the new source in sex. Bullshit. We’ve tried three antideps over two years. Two of them made me suicidal, the third curbs the libido only slightly. I wish someone had told me when I was 18 that my sex behavior was inappropriate. No one ever tells you that until it’s too late... When you’re a high school student with an insatiable appetite for sex, your peers will only envy you. They don’t see it as a problem. How could I know. I skipped classes just to sneak off with another girl, thinking it was all just a normal part of growing up. If anyone had told me those early experiences would set me on a path of destruction I’d say they were prudes. Ain’t it ironic that the prudes are now living happy lives with their wives while I rot in my self-hatred,,,

My wife left me. Therapy was her idea, so in a way she tried to be patient with me. By the time we met I got clean from drugs and was not hooking up with prostitues anymore. I was absolutely sure my life was taking a new turn. The doctors told me so! I had no more desire for drugs, my depression was still considered non-resistant to medications. They all lied to me or perhaps were delusional because when drugs are invovled you don’t really talk about such small things like sex addiction.

The truth is, as I got older, my addiction only morphed into something more insidious - an obsession with porn and sex lines. My wife didn’t suspect at first. I looked normal, I acted the same way. My porn use was prob around a couple hours a day. Any doctor would call it “average”. But it wasn’t enough. I turned to paid sex lines, sexting and online kinks. But I wasn’t doing anything risky as I did before, no one said I should worry. Where’s the line between a healthy sex drive and an addiction? I can’t even pinpoint exactly when I crossed it. Maybe when I started turning up late for work unable to get up early after I’d been on the phone all night into the early hours. Or maybe when my wife found all the sex messages on my phone and all my extra credit cards. I’m not even sure if she left because of what I did or because of the piling debts… Probably both.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. Don’t give me pity. Just fcking warn your boys that sex is not healthy. It’s worse than drugs, no one knows how to deal with it nor wants to, until you get into a state when you literally can’t function, and then there’s a conveniently super expensive clinic somewhere out there to help you with all your problems. I don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe I deserve to be alone and hated after all I’ve done.

Specialist answer
Veena Choudhary
1y
Specialist

Navigating the challenges of sex addiction can be daunting, It can be over whelming and isolating too. But it is very important for you to find the root cause of your depression. You have to understand first what was your drive towards sex initially and what is it till date. Therapist would be the right person to help you understand this. There are various support organisation and non profit organisation like SAMSHA or association of sex addicts trauma specialists or SAA recovery who do it for free.

Right now what is important is you acknowledging the fact you have problem with it and you are typing this message asking for help instead of calling sex line. This is already your step towards helping you and not expecting any pity.


Sexual addiction recovery takes a longer time. Many adjustments will need to be made in order to overcome it. Remember in this path You have just engaged into an unhealthy behaviour which can always be worked upon. Do not let this behaviour determine your character or you and self demean you. This unhealthy behaviour can become healthy and this behaviour can be forgiven. The very fact that you have spoken out here means you are now determined to help yourself from this behaviour. You have said here that This type of sex is not healthy.This show there is an internal compass in you which knows what is right and what is wrong. Only if you understand this you can help yourself. For your recovery you need to stop internalised negative feelings about you. Words like hate will stop your path for recovery. understand such words, remorse, guilt are tied more to your sense of self than to your sex addiction behaviour. This sense of self was shaped based on your early life history rooted in because of family, surroundings and other aspects. But this sense of self will only pull you more further down into depression and isolation. Internalisation of this negative feelings will lead to believe that you are not worth the effort of recovery, you have no control over your behaviour, you don't deserve to be healthy, happy and free from this addiction. You deserve to be happy too so it is just time to forgive and correct your behaviour.

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potassiumKNO3
1y

You won’t get pity from me, man. I’d only like to show you one logical fallacy in it all – your last statement. If you really think isolation and self-hatred are your best option now, you’re very wrong. Addictions only thrive in isolation and shame.

I strongly recommend that you start somewhere. For example, by going into a Twelve Steps treatment program for sexual addiction. If you aren’t ready to start a program, commit to going to Sexual Addicts Anonymous.

No
NoMansSky
1y

If you’ve recovered from drugs addiction, why don’t you think you can do the same with your other addiction? The treatment is essentially the same, except that with drugs you’re supposed to give them up altogether, while with sex you just need to re-establish a goof pattern of sexual behaviors without stopping entirely.

on
onewhiskyfor2
1y

I’m very sorry that you feel your doctors were unhelpful. Though from your post I understand that you’ve been able to get off the drugs with their help… Anyway, you should have been told that one of the crucial aspects of any recovery is being gentle with yourself. It's okay to make mistakes in life. What's important is that you continue to work towards healing. You sound like you’ve already given up, maybe because of your financial situation. I can’t help with that, but I want you to know that one cure you can give to yourself is incredible forgiveness. You’re capable of controlling it. You’re feeling low now, and it may seem hopeless, but it’s not. You're not denying your addiction anymore. You've recognized it - it's a start. :) Now reach out for professional help, don't let it control you any longer.

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stephen in space
1y
Author

@potassiumKNO3 These half-measures never help, if you know what I mean. I need an inpatient program but it’s too costly.

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stephen in space
1y
Author

@NoMansSky Are you a doctor? Do you even know what you’re talking about?

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NoMansSky
1y

@stephen in space No, I’m not. Perhaps you know that sex addiction has not yet been studied well, so I know just as much as scientists. Most studies are about porn addiction, which is just the tip of the iceberg. However, it is believed that sexual activities stimulate the brain's reward system similar to various drugs. Thus, there are similarities in treating these two addictions.

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fido_oblivion
1y

Has your depression medication included only antidepressants? I’ve read in some bipolar thread that mood stabilizers are sometimes added to the mix, as they somehow decrease compulsive sexual urges. AFAIK people with bipolar have issues with hypersexuality.

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stephen in space
1y
Author

@fido_oblivion Antidepressants and therapy, as I’ve written in my post. I don’t know anything about mood stabilizer nor do I want any more meds in my life.

po
potassiumKNO3
1y

@stephen in space Even if you don't think it can work for you, you should try it. Seeing and speaking to other people who also have this condition will help you feel less shame. You must connect with people in order to fight this. And I mean connect non-sexually, on deeper levels.

no
nonviolence
1y

Hey, listen, you sound a bit defensive, and I can see why. You’ve been disappointed in therapy and your divorce was likely very traumatic. Still there are always solutions available, and you seem to know of something that should help you. If you’re completely sure that only inpatient treatment will be effective for you, you can focus solely on saving up money for it. I realize it’s bad advice taking into account that you mentioned some debts… Yet don't lose hope. I’m sure you can do some things. For instance, identify areas where you can cut back on spending to free up more money to put towards paying off your debts. Depending on what kind of debts you’ve accumulated, you could also think of consolidating your debts into a single loan with a lower interest rate, that might make it easier to manage and pay it off. I’m just a random internet stranger, so you’re not entitled to listen to me, but please seek financial counseling. If you commit to improving your overall financial health it’ll be so much easier to cope with mental health afterwards.

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