Where do I even begin..
For years I wondered why am I so different,only to find out on my own during a tiktok that hey you might have ADHD combined..I come from a strict religious family where mental health is looked down upon,that if you suffering with anything pray and it will go away.but it's not at a point where that isn't enough.im stuck in a house of toxicity where I'm beginning to feel more and more overwhelmed.at first I just thought it's my personality,until it started spilling into my personal life,that I've been unemployed for so long as my ADHD seems to get worst and worst,I can't go to a doc to get diagnosed as I got helicopter parents and I'm a introvert.they will disown because they feel it is spirits and not a real problem.ive never felt so stuck in my entire life.im always the one they look to for all help,any problem they throw it on me,when I have issues I got no one, because I don't get heard.i get shunned away.that now it's got to a dangerous point.where it's bubbling ,all the emotions.i got no friends,not one,all the friends use me,and when I speak out and set boundaries they leave.i got no other fam, besides my immediate in which they only add and add to my plate.i struggle to find work as my ADHD is at a bad place.i haven't been diagnosed by a doc but I know 99 percent I got it.i can't organize to save my life,I struggle to focus,I can't sit still,I talk alot,I hyperfocus,I struggle to remember or pay attention to people talking or detail.i want out so bad..out of this house ..so I can be alone.just to think and feel and be me,I have no identity away from my parents.they always around,I got no rships in any form because they always in my life making decisions for me.when I try speak up about it,I get guilt tripped or get religious stuff thrown in my face.i am a very loveable and good hearted person but now it's at the point of my mental health,I have even through of suicide.because I feel cornered.i got nobody and nothing,I am very independent but can't find work because of this ADHD.i can't even be on medication because my parents don't believe in that,I tried other pain tabs,cannabis and nothing works.i just want to feel human,I feel like a robot instead,my brain never switches off,I struggle to sleep.i feel like I don't own my life..my parents are my life,I'm 27 and feel 10.they decide it all for me.ive never had people just be there for me in my life they always use me,or take advantage or better yet get close to me to spread gossip and my story to other people.i feel all alone...I'm tired of the arguments in my house,it's taking a toll on me,mentally even physically I've been getting sicker and sicker and they don't even see or shrug it off.im so confused,lost,depressed,in a bad space.i feel trapped in my room.waiting,but waiting for what? When I know no one's coming to my rescue..been currently unemployed I can't even buy stuff, everything is money,so that adds because now my parents pressure me.yet I'm at breaking point mentally,even if I had to start work I'd probably commit suicide or get fired after a day.. because my mental is at such a fragile place.idk how much more I can take till I break...I see others my age,get married,have boyfriends,go out on vacations,go to the mall and I hate myself more and more,I hate social media because it just reminds me of how bad I am in my situation.i never had a easy life,my childhood was worst.and I hate to be a victim or look for sympathy so I've bottled it in for years,and I guess this is the result of years of trauma.now I find comfort in been alone..I just want quiet and peace.but instead I get overwhelmed...I've never fitted in and I didn't have a problem with that when I was younger Until now,when I get shown other people's pics by my mom of what they doing etc.its the same routine everyday,monotonous.that many occasions I don't even want to wake up at all.i just need help or any direction..besides the one I'm in right now.
I have been there in this situation
I just didn't feel like doing anything post corona quarantine was over
Everything felt so lethargic and slow
I wanted to get on with no bork
I just wanted to stay in the same lazy vacation kinda mode, it messed a lot of things for me
I will suggest you want I decided to do
I just decided I need to get up and I need to do it because nobody else will do it for me or push me for the same so I need to do it
My theories sometimes are just that I have to and it just pushes me to do it
Rest I find ways how to make that interesting and captivating
I get it
I feel a lot of people were in the same after corona
It just seemed so difficult to cope with life after such a long rest and being lazy
But I feel you should just like start with something
I used to do this too think too much how I am being useless how I don't feel the urge to do something but then I just realized all I'm doing is think instead I can just decide to do this thing and just go for it
Just start doing, once your body sees itself in action it'll get along automatically
Hi. i am sending this comment because I just set a goal today to help or listen to lonely people online. I had been a good listener since I was young. And I plan to exercise this going forward. you may not like what I will say but know in your heart that I am here to help or just listen if you wish. a short background about me. I am an introvert. became an extrovert. then an ambivert. but mostly introvert. I am also a new parent. my reply is long, so here goes:
things changed after the pandemic for sure.
I think the people in school does not understand why you are acting that way. Let them be. Not all people are bound to understand you and also, not all friends are friends. At most, you will have 1-3 real friends in life as you grow old.
If people act like you don't exist then just quietly observe people. Don't be too sad. They are experiencing something too. They are fighting a battle that you don't know too. You will begin to notice that other people hide their pain too. You will see it in their eyes because their smile will never reach their eyes. When you find those people, just try to make their day better without expecting something in return. Subtly or Obviously. Regardless if they like it or not. But never expect something in return like they will be nice to you too because not all have the same reaction to kindness. But if people just turned out to be really just selfish, at least you know early on that they are not worth your time. There are a lot more people worth your care and attention.
As you mentioned, your sister is a hydrocephalus patient. That is not easy for your parents. Being in constant worry, that drains them physically, emotionally, and financially. It is very crippling. I know because I have been in their position too when I don't know whether my baby will die or not within 9 months. My daughter has spina bifida. She got operated at 16 days old and the doctor told me she might be paralyzed after the operation or get hydrocephalus within 9 months. I trembled with worry for 9 months and almost got hospitalized because of mental and physical stress. Your parents. Their suffering. Their worry. I think you saw it all. The things that you are going through just to keep yourself sane too. And you are never the same because you need someone to talk too. Your mom may be saying those things because she has used up her "strong" personality to deal with your sister. Anything might trigger her collapse so she might be in denial with your problems. This is just my opinion. Maybe this is not what is happening. I am just trying to analyze what you said.
Your mom. Just hug your mom. Without saying anything. She is having a hard time too. No parent is ever okay knowing that there is something wrong with their child. It is breaking her heart. When I have a hard time. I just want my daughter to hug me. For a few minutes. She is a baby but she keeps me calm and collected. She lets me focus and then I suddenly know what to do. Please don't end your life. You might feel very lonely right now but things will be brighter later. When I am collapsing and drained, I always think that there is always sunshine after the rain. So cliche but it is true. Not everything is permanent, you see. So just hang on. If you feel useless, talk to old people in apps, they feel so lonely, they sometimes think of dying too. Old people give great advices. I remember working for an insurance company one time in 2014. I spent 4 hours talking to a senior citizen because his son won't visit him and she is beyond sick. She is very sick and her son won't visit her because he is so busy with work. My supervisor had to end the call because I was not doing any work. But I was happy, I felt her happiness when talking me. Although she felt sad letting the phone go, but I am glad I made her day better.
If you feel like crying, just cry. Don't bottle it up. Then sleep. Sleep helps. Then don't forget to eat please.
Just send a message here in this platform. Everyone is trying to help everyone up. hang in there and I hope you feel better after reading my message. I always wish for happiness for everyone. everything I just messaged her is based solely on my personal journey too.