It’s been better lately. Not happy, but also not pure misery as before. I can push through and do most things. I do it on autopilot: get up, go out with the dog, feed myself and the dog. Existence doesn’t feel so pointless anymore, since I managed to accomplish small daily routines.

I’m slowly preparing my resume to search for a part-time job. I still see no hopes for the future, given that I’m 48, have no career, and can barely cope with the minimum that most other people don’t even consider work. I don’t care about life enough to actually live. The very thought that I’ve wasted 7 years of my life on depression torments me like nothing else. And since November I’ve been having passive suicidal thoughts. I don’t actually plan to do anything about it, it just became another sick trait of mine. When I get out of bed and think of the few things I must do, like shopping or taking my laptop to repairs, the next thought that flashes through my mind is, “I don’t want to, I should just die”. But I make myself do it anyway. These thoughts demotivate me and make it even harder to complete my daily tasks, and if I don’t do at least 2-3 things I had in mind for the day, I feel completely useless, and it fuels that slimy tiny voice whispering that I shouldn’t be alive. I suspect it’s because I can’t seem to find the drive to live. I’m killing myself without actually doing it, and I don't know how much longer I’ll be able to go on like this. It’s an endless cycle, and the worst part is that these thoughts just got stuck in my head and won't go away.

Sorry for dumping this on you, kind strangers

Please, help! I’m stuck in the memories of the person I left months ago!!! It’s destroying me!

It was my decision to leave, though it was really hard emotionally. She was a psycho, my days with her were miserable. I’ve never had such a terrible relationship experience in my life! She was always detached and cold with me intimately, and at the same time she obsessed over who I communicated with. At work, she had to know about all my female colleagues in detail, while raging about any contacts outside work.. When I tried to reason about my own needs, she always appeared to be on the verge of tears and made me feel monstrous and conflicted at the same time. I realized I spent my energy and money on her, and all the while I was neglecting myself and my sanity. My friends helped me understand that I can not fix what refuses to be normal. I left and spent the first few weeks mad from my freedom!

But the memories of her creep back! We were together for four years. I had an engagement ring for her, it’s still somewhere in my boxes. I remember how sweet she was at times, and how often she said she loved me. I hated her unbearable control and treatment of me back then, but now I remember her words about how fragile she was and that she’d cared about small things to make me comfortable when I was ill. A few days ago I saw a dress on a girl exactly like she used to wear, and I caught myself almost texting her “how are you”. She called me cruel, and at times I wonder if maybe I was cruel, unintentionally? Why do I miss her? Why do I blame myself now? I’ve never wanted to be a father to my girlfriend! I hate how much it hurts more as time goes on…. Is it because her control over me was deeper than I imagined? Or because I left while maybe I should have forced that decision on her?

Financial crisis, nearly brocken, preparing for an examination that may provide a job. Can't concentrate always feels like ending it. Taking pills on Dr's prescription, not that helpful. Time is sprinting and I am stuck at the point of failure. Can't find a job, also have mental issues and my eye sight is very bad to be specific I am 40percentage disabled on my eyes. Family is in financial crisis, parents arguing each other almost everyday. I don't have a room of my own. My studying desk is placed in the common room and whenever that argue I can't study. They are so loud and if I didn't managed to get this job within this year. We will face destitute at it's worst form. Apart from clinical depression I also have anxiety issues. It's all because of my neurological genetics from a young age I had this psychological abnormalities. Now I am facing different kind of phobias like acrophobia, claustrophobia etc. My health is getting worse I have gout attacks, fatty liver, and a brocken left leg which caused in an accident 5yrs back my heels were brocken in that accident and it still hurts, joint pains are a common syndrome of elevated level of uric acid in blood. Feels like I am in a Kafkaesque. I feel like the vermin in the short story metamorphosis by francis kafka

i've been drinking every night for about four months now. each morning, i promise myself that i'll stop but by the end of the day, i give in again. i feel so ashamed when i'm around my family. i can see the worry in their eyes. i feel like deep down they know that i'm suffering and that i'm an alcoholic and it makes me feel even worse. i feel like a disappointment and i can't stand it. i've tried to quit on my own but it's so hard. the cravings are too strong and i feel so weak. my work is suffering and i'm scared i might lose my job. i need help but i'm too embarrassed to ask for it. i don't want my family to think i'm a failure. every time i drink, i tell myself it's the last time but it never is. i'm stuck in this cycle and i don't know how to break free