I think your boyfriend needs to change his priorities while you’re still there. If your partner can’t or doesn’t want to keep a distance from his parents, then nothing good will come out of this relationship for you. You can’t tolerate his parents’ disrespectful behavior forever. He could at least rent a place somewhere far away from them.
I’m sorry you have to endure it all. Family issues are tricky. I just want to point out that not all families are good and healthy, like yours probably is. Your partner was less lucky, but the important thing here is that it’s not his fault. We don’t choose family, nor can we be responsible for their actions. It’s bad that his family doesn’t respect your privacy and personal space. That’s one thing that needs to be addressed one way or the other. I assume your partner does not invite his father on purpose to come and visit him so often, so his wishes are also being ignored. While he might have gotten used to these dynamics over the course of his life, you don’t need to close your eyes on it. It’s OK to set boundaries. I recommend you to focus on your relationships and on what makes you two happy together. After all, you didn’t choose your partner for his family, and he is the same man you fell in love with, even though his parents turned out to be difficult.
This isn’t a simple situation. I don’t think it’s wrong to talk to your partner about your concerns and demand that he makes some changes to where you live and how often you interact with both your families. You probably want to have a family of your own in the future and have kids, so it’s best to figure all these things out beforehand and be prepared. You’ll need to accept that if you marry him and start a family, you may have to meet his parents during some holidays and events. But you absolutely don’t need to see them every other day, you’re two grown-up people who don’t need supervision. I guess it’s worth it to compromise if you have real feelings for this man.
@Eve I totally agree my partner is not responsible for his parents’ behavior. I’m on his side, I always defend him when his parents make unfair or offensive remarks about him and his childhood. I truly do want to be with him and make him happy, but in his family’s eyes I’m the villain, and I don’t think it will ever change. And it’s hard for my partner to realize how stressful it all is for me. I honestly don’t know for how long I’ll be able to pretend I can live with it.
@copilot42 Thank you for saying this. I always feel so selfish when I think of asking him to move to another place (I’d actually vote for another city). But even if he does it for us, I won’t be able to avoid his parents entirely unless I make an ultimatum - either me or them, which is something I dread.
It’s definitely an unpleasant predicament to be in. Hopefully, your love will be stronger than these family challenges. After all, you are not dating his parents. Make sure your pain is obvious to your partner and don’t just express your feelings, tell him exactly what you’d like him to change to feel better. Men often need clear instructions on what to do :)
@There-Is-Hope Yes, my partner knows how I feel, we’ve discussed it. I’m often on edge when his father comes, especially when he is not sober. The fact about my partner is that he is so sweet, he always tries to make it up to me. But his sweet character is also his disadvantage, for when it comes to his family, he still tries to be positive about them, even when they treat him like dirt. Or maybe he doesn’t show his hurt feelings to me… Anyway, I’d like him to fight back more often.
@Veena Choudhary This relationship *is* important to me. I see my partner as my future husband, and I'm pretty sure my parents see him in that role too. However, I can't see myself making efforts to come to terms with any of his parents, even his mother. I didn't write much about her because there's nothing to write about. She tolerated her husband all her life, and though she must be deeply unhappy, she can only talk negatively about everyone and everything around her, not about her own situation at home. Whenever we meet, she tells me some nightmarish stories about new diseases reported abroad, or her friend's baby dying, or other such things that help no one and are simply depressiving. I can only listen and say stuff like "Oh, this is so unfortunate", she never asks about me or about our plans. I suppose she has no one to talk to at home, and she always wants listeners... I can't to be that listener, even though I do respect my partner. I'm afraid it's a dead end for common ground.
Generally in life when we enter into a relationship initially its always focusing on the two of you but as relationship progresses that is when families get involved. Families can be tough. The process is challenging and to create a plan for future with your partner then family will definitely be in it and high priority too.
There are few things which you can do to make it easier for you. before that you need to question yourself:
# How invested you are in this relationship?
# How important this relationship is for you?
# How do you see a future for this relationship?
Only once you understand and get clarity with the answers you will be determined to do things for this relationship from your end and give it your best shot
Trying to change your inlaws will only cause tension and conflict. Just try understanding from your inlaws point of view why are they reacting like that. give them a benefit of doubt if there is anything else running in their mind which you are unaware of. Ask your husband if he knows why his parents did not come for the dinner.
ultimately remember that this is about your relationship with your partner and that has to come first. You might not love all of your partner's family but you do need to respect and honor the relationship that existed before you came on the scene. It is also important that you find ways to release the anger, frustration you are feeling. if not this feeling will only fester and grow over time so learn to channelise this feeling into something artistic like creative hobby or journalling.
The situation seems really conflicting. I understand how it can be draining to be around people who aren't very accommodating or accepting of others.
While we can choose our partner, we don't choose their family, yet they often become an inevitable part of our lives.
That's why it's important to understand your boundaries - what is appropriate and what isn't, what kind of relationship you want to have with them, and how you can 'protect' yourself while staying in a loving relationship with your partner. It's about finding a balance.
Here are some examples of what can help:
1) Know what topics are triggering for you. Think about what you can do to avoid them. Calmly explain to them which topics you don't want to discuss or don't want feedback on. It's better not to initiate sensitive topics that you know might cause conflicts (e.g. example, parenting, religion, politics). It’s okay to respectfully ask to change the topic if, for example, your partner's parents say something inappropriate.
2) Communicate with your partner about other boundaries, calmly explaining why certain things bother you. I know you’ve already had conversations about this with him, but it may take repeated, serious discussions to get your needs heard and come to a reasonable solution. Explain to your partner how the situation affects your relationship. Speak about your feelings and expectations honestly. For example: "I feel uncomfortable when your parents come unannounced because it catches me off guard and I need time to mentally prepare." Or "I know your family is important to you, but I often feel anxious around your parents because of your dad's comments." "I feel uneasy around your parents, but I enjoy living with you, so I want us to find a way to make this work."
You could propose setting boundaries with your partner, such as:
- Deciding how much time his parents will spend at your place
- Asking them to give you notice before coming over or have a fixed schedule for visits, so you can mentally prepare. You could say something like "Please give me some notice before you arrive," and add a reason that benefits them, like getting the place ready or preparing a meal.
- Asking your partner to set clear rules like "If we don't respond to the doorbell, it means we don’t want visitors" or "No visits after 9pm."
3) Make sure that you have a way you can stay comfortable when they visit like exusing yourself and going to a different room if things get heated.
Some conversations will be hard to avoid so try to not take things personally. I know it can be hard, especially when you feel attacked, but it’s important to remember that most of the time it’s not about you - it's their own reasons (their personality, upbringing, inner conflict etc.).
Find ways to distance yourself emotionally when needed. You can take some deep breaths (for example, inhale for 5 seconds, exhale for 8 seconds) and tell yourself "It's okay, this is just how they are." Create a mantra to help ground yourself.
If you get unwanted advice or comments, remind yourself that yours and your partner's opinions are what really matter.
4) Take care of your emotional well-being. Find a way to express your feelings in a healthy way, like writing in a journal or drawing. If there's a lot of anger, excercising or moving your body to music that fits your mood can help. Consider speaking to someone outside the situation for support - a friend, family member, or even a counselor.
5) It may also be worthwhile to still try and discover good aspects of your partner’s parents and find things you can appreciate about them. I understand that it’s really hard and you have no will at the moment, especially if they don't make an effort with you. But it could help in the long run if you plan a future with your partner, since they will remain part of your lives. See if there are any interests you share, like a TV show, hobby, sports team, or music - something you can connect on, even if you disagree on most topics.
I hope that any of it helps to resolve the conflict.