First of all, go to therapy, please. You need professional help to mentally separate your daughter from your ex. It’s not your daughter’s fault that she looks like her mother or perhaps just reminds you of her. Some kids require more time to melt our hearts, but it’s our responsibility as parents to comfort and raise them all the while.
I guess it’s your first child? There are many factors in how these things play out, communicating with other dads may be helpful. It’s still a new role for you. Attachments start slowly, with fun moments and games. No one asks of you to become an ideal dad overnight. All you need is to be willing to do it. Not all connections are instant, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Don’t pressure yourself, and don’t worry, you’ll get there! It takes a lot of time and effort. Your brain obviously struggles with the concept of a father, but I feel your heart is in the right place. And when you wrote that your child is totally unlike you, you were clearly exaggerating. She has your genes, so even if you can’t notice it yet, she’ll certainly take after you. And the more time she spends in your home, the more she’ll be part of you. She’ll share your interests, who knows, she may become a doctor like you (I’m jumping to conclusions about your profession here..). You can build this relationship day by day, I’m sure your mother will support you in it. Don’t feel guilty, just be patient!
You are already doing great by taking this responsibility and caring for your kid, regardless of your feelings.
Children can’t choose parents, you know. And they’re very sensitive, even at a young age. So being honest is better than not being with her at all. If you can’t hug her and give her physical love, it doesn’t mean you can’t build a bond in other ways. Spend some quality time with her on your days off, observe her closely, and you’ll surely see a glimpse of yourself in her. There’s no timeline for your love, as long as you keep trying.
@Eve Thank you so much for your reassuring words. I can only hope all will be like you say
What makes you think you can’t have another family, another wife, and raise your child together? It’s certainly hard to be a single parent, so what’s stopping you from dating other women? It’s only you, my friend, and not your daughter.
Hey, your daughter is only seven. Looks change with time. I advise you to go to counseling. It’ll help you get down to the root of your rejection and rewire that part of your brain that’s causing this detachment. It’s not worth it to confront it all by yourself, you know?
You deserve credit for being honest about your feelings. Don’t give up on the bond yet. The fact that you still try to provide for her financially, while feeling the way you do about her, is proof that you do care about her in some way. After you go to therapy, you might see things from another perspective, and you’ll have many years to become best friends.
@Edward I’m not saying a new family is impossible for me now. It complicates things. All the stories about monstrous stepmothers. How can I expect another woman to take care of my child if I don’t feel affection for my daughter as I should?
@Faizan It may be that another woman will teach you to feel that love and affection. And as your kid grows older and matures a bit, it is possible that you will be able to relate to her on more levels, and be able to enjoy her company. You have that capability inside you, you just need to get rid of the triggers that turn off your warm feelings towards her.
In any case, thank you for trying!
You don't have to be ashamed. Such reactions tend to happen due to to amount of physical and mental stress you have gone through. There is lot of anger, resentment and bitterness inside you because of what you went through. It is time for you to clear the burden for the sake of your relationship with your child who is innocent, who is unaware of the situation, who has also lost relationship with her mother, father both ( as you don't want to interact with her) currently. The negativeness, hatred you carry for your ex will cause you more suffering. Your heart will never truly heal. When you hold so much thoughts in your head you are giving your time and attention and energy to those thoughts. This way it would continue to draw energy form you so it is important your emotional injury is processed properly and honored appropriately. You need to reach a therapist who can help you out to face, explore these feelings.