No bond with daughter

Hello,

I really didn’t know what category to post to, sorry

I’m ashamed of what I’m going to say. I fear that I dislike my daughter because of my ex-wife. I don’t know what to do with these feelings of guilt and inner rejection of her.

I’m the primary caretaker, she’s 7 years old. Her mother is in jail for selling drugs. I hate my ex-wife so bad. She was absolutely unfit to care for our daughter. She couldn’t care about herself, constantly abusing drugs and booze. She’d cheated on me multiple times in our nine years together. I found out about all of it during the past year while she was in jail. It broke me. I don’t want her in my life. And this child is like my punishment. At her young age, she looks exactly like her mother. She’s like her mini-version. Same eyes, same mannerisms. She took nothing from me. I started a new job at the hospital and often take night shifts, the child stays with my mother. I try to give her everything she needs at her age, finances are not an issue. I have zero bond with her. Sometimes I don’t want to go home in the morning, it’s all so confused in my head. I can’t look into her eyes without feeling that there’s a shadow of her mother crawling somewhere near. My mother urges me to try therapy, it’s covered by my insurance, and I don’t know what’s stopping me. It’s not the life I envisioned. I feel terrible for dreaming about a partner and for wanting to have a normal love life. I’m not ready for single parenting, and yet it’s my lifelong duty now. What if I’ll never learn to love my daughter?