My boyfriend behaves very contradictory.... I am sure that we love each other very much, BUT! We also suffer from each other...my suffering is so strong that I sometimes do not want to live....Sometimes we have everything perfect...like in a book...he says the most delightful words, gives me gifts, affectionate and caring, says "I love you more than life...you are perfect...goddess...". I'm just happy. I'm the envy of all my friends. But then, all of a sudden, he becomes a "horror." Why, I don't understand. He says all kinds of mean things to me. He says that if it weren't for him, I'd be "stupid", I'd be gone, that I ruined his whole life and he hates me, "ungrateful" and more bad words that are uncomfortable to write here. It's really painful to listen to. I'm crying. I'm hysterical, I can't eat or sleep. His previous behavior has nothing to do with it. I walk away from him at times like this, stop communicating, and end the relationship. I think I'm done for good. But! In 2 weeks he comes, he is on his knees, says that he is "guilty", that he does not think so, that he does not know what is happening to him...gives expensive gifts and I myself do not have time to realize how we are together again. And I'm a goddess again. And he is pathetic, he justifies himself with bad childhood, that he has not seen normal family relationships, that he "comes on" after the trauma, etc. It's impossible to live like that. I believe and believe again.... and then everything comes back again. If we're good for a couple weeks, it "starts". If I'm happy, he's sure to ruin my mood by saying "gross". Or he just disappears without saying anything. I cry, looking for him, my heart hurts. And when I am completely "done", he shows up as if nothing had happened, kind and loving: "how I missed you" and explains that he was "depressed". When I argue that this is not the way to act, he takes offense, accusing me of criticizing him, not understanding him, and picking on him, exaggerating everything, hurting him. I already think I'm going crazy, I'm doing something wrong...But what? I can't leave him, I realized I depend on our "honeymoon weeks", he is family and close. He tells me "either accept me for who I am or leave". One time I was about to leave and he said, " I thought you loved me for real...but you're using me", after saying that, I couldn't leave. And it all started again.... Each time my psyche got worse. I became weak, depressive, hysterical... My psyche is shaken. And I can't leave...

After my mother's death, I had new feelings. She's always with me. I feel her presence, my intuition has started to sense danger. A certain feeling inside shows me that danger is near. When I'm alone, doors slam and the cat is afraid of something. I'm used to my mother. But recently, I started to see a shadow, and I realize it's not mother. I started to feel anxious. I started having dreams and realizing the future. But sometimes I think I'm going crazy. I shared my strong emotions with a friend, explaining that I had begun to feel a lot. And my friend (who is depressed) said: "That's great! I'm empty inside and I don't feel anything! You're not bored with your emotions! And I cheered up. I started listening to myself. I am sure that spirits come to me, and I know a lot about the world now. But I'm afraid to tell everyone because they'll think I'm crazy. Lately I've started to read people's minds. But not all of them, but the ones who let me read them. Sometimes people think so loudly that they disturb me with their thoughts. I anticipate there won't be many comments, but I'm still glad I at least posted here.

I feel like everyone has money but me. I'm 17 years old, and it feels like my life is already over. Everywhere I look, people have everything they want … their new clothes, gadgets, dream vacations. Meanwhile, I can barely afford to buy lunch lmao ... It’s so depressing. My parents aren't rich. In fact, we're quite poor. I see my friends getting new stuff all the time, and it just makes me feel worse. They don't have to worry about anything, and I'm stuck worrying about everything. Sometimes, I just want to scream. Why is life so unfair? Why do I have to struggle while others get everything handed to them? It feels like I'm never going to get out of poverty. I try to stay positive, but it's so hard. I feel like I'm drowning. Every day is a constant reminder of what I don't have. No one understands what I'm going through.

I hate feeling this way. I want to have a better life, but it seems impossible. Every time I think I might catch a break, something else goes wrong and we need money we don’t have. It’s like life is playing a cruel joke on me. I wish my parents had more money. I wish I didn't have to worry about every little thing.

My baby is 4 months old, and I think I’m going crazy. All my life I’ve waited for these moments when I’d be holding her in my hands. And now that my dearest dream has come true, I can’t feel joy. I’m angry and sad. I don’t think it’s how it should be? I worry all the time that I’m doing something wrong. It’s my first child, and I have no one to help. My partner is home only on weekends. My days are all the same, and nights are the worst, I can’t sleep for nights in a row until I’m so exhausted I drop dead and am woken up by my daughter’s screams. I’m mad at my partner, and I feel so bad about it... He almost stopped talking to me. I know I’m being mean and unfair, he’s working hard to support us all. But I can’t control it. A few words he says may make me cry. I’ve never cried so much in my life! It’s as if I’m always on edge, ready to burst. I push myself to get through the day, but it’s getting harder. Why? Shouldn’t it get better? I’m praying that next month it’ll be a bit easier, my partner’s parents will arrive for the holidays to help. But at the same time, I’m scared as hell that my future mother-in-law will judge me. My house’s a mess, I have no time to keep everything in order. I’ve gained weight. I hope my partner won’t show his irritation when his parents are here. I’ve googled about postpartum depression, and I think all the signs are there. But I can’t have meds prescribed, I’m still breastfeeding. Am I even allowed to feel that way?