Hey I have been cheated by a person one year ago and he left me and I am in a relationship with a new person but I think I haven't came out of my past traumas due to which I have a lot of anxiety issues and suffer a lot of chest pain .I don't know how to handle this anymore and I think because of which I have problems in my current relationship

THIS MUST SEEM TOO LONG TO READ AND WILL UNDERSTAND IF ANYONE DON'T WANT TO READ IT BUT I THOUGHT OF SHARING IT. IF YOU READ TILL END THEN I AM ALREADY VERY THANKFUL TO YOU.

I don't know if I am making any progress in life, is it going to make things in my life better or just trying (like a missile with no guidance system) which won't have any good end result. Like is it all just an illusion that I am trying to achieve goals in life and will achieve something which I want to in the end but the end result will be zero (0) because I am not able to do it properly or I am just not able to (or not upto the mark at this stage of my life).

To make things clear, I am 27 years old. Computer Science Engineer with no proper (coding) skills to secure a good job in any company. So basically I have been jobless since I passed out from college which was in 2018. It is not like that all the B.tech graduates in India have good proper skills (right after college) to secure at least a freshers job after passing from college. Even after 2-3 years of passing out there are a lot of options. After 3-4 years of passing out and not having work experience is when the need to acquire good skills is required.

Now, how I got into this situation is by MY OWN DECISIONS. I will make this short as I don't want to explain more than what is required to get to know my situation.

I loved a girl from high school truly and madly. Actually we both loved each other. But I loved her more than she or I would have ever thought of. We broke up after 3.5 years of relationship. Then all in my mind left was just her (like everything about her only) and god knows I cried a lot and even tried a lot to get myself move on in life and make myself successful because breakups happen to almost everyone. But I failed miserably in it and also in my high school board exams too. In the meantime she went through a lot too but she was always smart, mature and she moved on. She went to another city, made friends and also kept in mind about career growth. She also went into relationships (some worked some didn't but now she is in a filmy kind of relationship which means she is like in a dream love affair and will get married soon too). But all these times we kept talking and chatting (as a friend) whenever we got time (meaning whenever she got time because I was always there for her everything from texts to calls like everything). And all those times I just acted that I am okay because I was happy that she is doing good in her life and I always just kept my feelings to myself. But I was in deep pain. Even when I got the chance to get into new relationships I just was not up for it.

Reality was after I lost her I lost everything in my life (except thank god not my family). I started drinking hard, smoking cigarettes, smoking weed and then hard drugs because these things used to give me escape from the reality in which I was living now. I know I should have faced reality head on but I was emotionally too drained and invested in her. I always used to wait a year when she would come back home from college and we used to meet (like 1-2 times max 3 times). And I would just listen to her looking at her (like how a child looks at the toy he/she wants from a toy shop). I never told her what I felt all those times and what it was like meeting her after a year of hoping to meet her. And the tears of mine when she used to leave I remember them so vividly that I can't forget them. This was the only thing which kept me going. That feeling of hope that I will meet her again.

Then sh*t and life both happened and I was left with nothing. Only her memories were and are by my side now. And will always be (no one can take this from me).

Now more hard drugs, drinking and everything happened and my career was down in the gutter. When I used to get sober everyday or every other day dreams of her used to pay me a visit everytime I tried to sleep. Even sleep was like a luxury to me. And feeling depressed was normal. Then relapses of addiction happened again and again.

Right now, I am completely sober for a few months and I still have dreams about her (to remind you yeah even after 13 fuc***g years). That love of mine has changed me completely (I won't be able to explain more about it but for an instance now I don't even laugh properly).

But now I want to be successful in my life. All those things which I turned down because I was not alright I want it now. It will be the only thing which will bring joy into my life because after hitting rock bottom and getting back up takes a lot of courage, strength, dedication and hard work and if I will be able to get back up then in my eyes I will gain my respect again.

I am trying to get certifications so that I can be able to fulfill the career gap which I am having. But the thing is I am not what I used to be. I am not what others in my batch are. I am not able to learn fast. Or if I am able to learn fast I am not able to practice properly to have a grip on the topic or language. I make plans but I fail in fulfilling them. And I wake up everyday feeling depressed because of lots of things (like how my peers have achieved so much till now and where I am now, also about her of course etc). I am angry both at her and myself too. I am angry and I am in a lot of pain too. I feel a range of emotions. I have self doubt. Also recovering from years of drug abuse and it will take time. But somehow I just feel am I not enough anymore or was I ever?

I don't have that confidence left in me. I am trying but I am not even sure if it is going to help or not.

A lot is happening and has happened. I can't even write my feelings, my emotions, my stories (it's overwhelming and too much) but I want it all to end because now I am too fed up. I can't take it anymore. I have to get something which will make me feel I am not a loser (I have been but don't want to be anymore). I know I have been a complete idiot, stupid or whatever you think of me. Also if you felt too much trouble to understand what I tried to express then no worries because I know I am not good at expressing my thoughts, feelings or even articulating words. I am just a loser, a total wreck who is just trying to get back up. Bear with me.  

 I have an elderly boss. I run a small sales department, and of course I would like to be as successful as possible. To that end, I transferred to a new firm to "grow". I have taken sales trainings, and "successful success", I know the latest sales techniques. When I saw my supervisor, my hands dropped. He's elderly! That's it, he doesn't know the latest in sales. I don't know how I'm going to work. I shared my frustration with my wife and she said maybe I could explain to him how salespeople work now. When I went into his office to meet him, I brought my training certificates. I told him that I was going to coach my subordinates to optimize them. The boss was silent, and in response I voiced the main tasks of my department. He, of course, did not appreciate me! Oh well, I'll show him how things work after training. When I started to delve into the tasks, they seemed fantastic. I was already boiling with anger. The boss told me to go and bring a concrete plan to accomplish them. And that was it. No advice, no guidance. I couldn't think of anything, and only came up with the beginning of where to start. This is wrong, you have to think through the whole logic of the work, but I couldn't do it. The plan was unrealistic. I felt like a deceived child, as I was told that this firm fosters strong leaders. And they didn't say anything to me. I decided to have a constructive conversation. I went to my supervisor and listed the problems that prevented me from accomplishing my task. The supervisor listened in silence and then said "go and work". I came out very angry! Well, what about "problem analysis", "brainstorming" and all the other tricks of "successful success"? I ran the department all the next day, adrift as I didn't know what else I could do. In the morning, my boss briefly asked me what decisions I had made on the new goals. What do you mean, decisions? I had voiced the problems yesterday. The supervisor said he didn't need problems voiced, he needed solutions. I got tired of thinking about solutions. went to the boss again with my resume, and said that I couldn't do what he wanted me to do because I didn't have enough experience. The supervisor took a quick look at my resume and said very sternly and firmly, "You've done this before! Remember!". After which the conversation was over. I don't even know how to describe my feelings after everything. I cried. Then I called my wife to "whine". My wife confidently said: "Well, if the boss thinks you've done it before, then remember." So I started remembering when I could do it and when I could do it. I remembered that the sales trainer said that if you're stumped, "Call a friend." So I called a buddy from my last job and asked "do you remember when I could do this?". The buddy, to my surprise replied "Yeah, was it when we sold this?". And I remembered. Yes, I had done this before and achieved big goals in one of my projects with this method. I quickly wrote a work plan and took it to my boss. The supervisor read it and for the first time honored me with a more welcoming look. "Good for you. Next time, focus on solutions instead of problems," he said. I walked out happy. Yeah, the old man was right. Realizing I had a lot of problems always got in my way.

Well, I feel ripped growing between me and my boyfriend of 10 years. He wants to move to North Carolina with his parents because they’re moving there to be closer to his sister who lives there, but I don’t know if I want to live there because I’ll be really far away from my family, and I don’t want that. I want us to find a place that’s an equal distance between both of our families but every time I give him an idea, he seems to shoot it down. He never seems to wanna listen to how I’m feeling. I love him and I know that he loves me and he would never hurt me but lately I feel like he has been getting way too stubborn , going on and on about money and stuff but he never looks at any place with me . I told him that I want to live on my own for a bit first since I live with my parents right now that way I can get an idea of what it’s like to live on my own, but he doesn’t think I can do it because of my emotional state since I have a lot of mental health issues But I know I can do it. I wish I could find a way to get him to listen but I don’t know how. My mom and dad keeps saying that I need to put my foot down and tell him what my plan is. Which is to find a better job that will allow me to work from home and get my own place to see what it’s like and if I want to live in North Carolina or not, but the thing is we’ve been living long distance since he lives in Pennsylvania and I live in New Jersey for the past 10 years and I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I’m at such a loss