The heartbreaking thing about loving an avoidant as someone with a more secure attachment style is that you have to do it from afar to preserve your own mental and emotional wellbeing.
6 years ago when I had the avoidant attachment style myself, I unexpectedly entered a relationship with a childhood friend who’s now the ex best friend of my older relative. He was also my first crush. The funny thing about it is his little sister was MY best friend because SHE had a crush on MY sibling. His family was close to mine so frequently we hung out, in and out of school settings. Commonality aside, the four of us bonded because we were bullied for our interests.
In July of 2019, we started getting closer before I eventually, impulsively initiated a relationship. It didn’t last for a variety of reasons; we were both immature, I was avoidant, and overall didn’t have the appreciation for anything then like I do today. I’ve blocked and disassociated from him a few times but it wasn’t until summer 2022 we reconnected and he confessed having feelings and being in love with me. I was taken aback since in our younger years, he declined my advances and made it apparent he wasn’t attracted to me.
We had a long and deep conversation about it and cleared everything up. Come winter of 2022 we reconnected after a brief silence from both parties. This came about post me escaping an abusive relationship and taking legal action against my assailant. Having been in therapy and support workshops for approximately 4 months at the time, I’ve already transitioned into a more secure attachment style where I attempted to initiate another relationship but more INTENTIONALLY. Unfortunately, after experiencing a traumatising relationship himself, he became avoidant so the rekindling didn’t last.
There was radio silence between us from January 2023 until July 2023 where I messaged him. From July to September we’ve been on and off in contact until finally, he stopped replying. In the times we’ve held space it was spent playing games, checking in with one another, sharing artistic projects we’ve completed or are working on, being intimate and overall enjoying each other’s company.
In the times I visited, I would always gift him poems, love letters, protection charms, or mini care packages. Aside being avoidant, I know he suffers from extreme depression and anxiety so I would also check in when I could. From what I recall, he hasn’t opened any of the affirmation letters I gifted him but I know he keeps them in a treasure box of things that see important to him which means so much to me. Just before we lost contact I wanted to give him one final card but I haven’t heard from him since September 2023.
As a former avoidant I understand I’ve overwhelmed him and want to respect his need for space, but I also wish I had the opportunity to hear what he wanted to tell me after briefly informing me he finally took me up on seeking professional help. I have so much love and care for him and hope that he’s well, and I hope that he believed me when I said, “I don’t give up on people I love.” and that he’ll never successfully push me away. I respect myself enough to do better and not cling onto unhealthy connections, but being a former avoidant myself I’m aware of how they navigate.
A lot of people hate avoidants because of their attachment style and coping mechanisms, and I don’t fault them. It’s only easier for me to be compassionate because I’m more secure and was in that position myself. I want to reach out to him so bad but I’ll leave things as they are and will continue wishing him well from afar.
Dissociative identity disorder also called split personality is when person has 2 or more set of thoughts, action and behaviour each of which is entirely different.
These personalities will have their own distinct name, age, gender, moods, memories and vocabulary. For example if a person is male but when triggered will have an alternate identity of female. Childhood trauma is generally reason for this. A person will subconsciously create other personalities to handle certain aspects of themselves and their trauma, without which they cant cope.
This trauma generally stems from physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional neglect, psychological abuse in the childhood. It's best that you take this person to clinical psychologist who will observe your friend's symptoms. Clinical psychologist will observe the different personalities and how it's affecting your friend. They would prescribe medications based on that.
Psychotherapy or talk therapy is one form of treatment. They use techniques like:
>>>> Cognitive behavioural therapy (cbt)
It may help the person work through and learn to accept the triggers that causes these personality shifts. CBT will help her to unlearn all negative thoughts and adopt healthier thinking.
>>>>Dialectical behaviour therapy(DBT):
This works well if your friends experiences emotion intensely. The goal is balance between acceptance of who you are, Your challenges and benefits of change. With the help of clinical psychologist she can learn skills for emotional regulation.
>>>> Hypnotherapy:
This is used to help access all the repressed memories and control some of the problematic behaviours which comes with each personality. This will also help in integrating all the personalities into one personality.
Long term treatment is solution for this. There is no cure but at least therapy will reduce the symptoms and her her function better at work and home. Family and friends like you are the huge support she can garner now. You have to encourage and help her in this journey with proper guidance of qualified doctor. I know its difficult for you to handle these many personality shifts but do understand even she is going through a lot and she is unaware. Just take of her and yourself.