I’m not choosing to struggle because of presumed hyper independence, I’m choosing to struggle because people will do things at their own pace which could inconvenience me. I’m not choosing to struggle because I think it’s a “flex”, I’m choosing to struggle because I hate people trying to throw things back in my face.
From the second I began making my own money and opened a saving’s account, I’ve done anything and everything I can to lessen the amount of help I have to ask if my birth giver because she’s a shitty person. While it’s become somewhat more tolerable thanks to therapy and support workshops, but sometimes I find myself briefly irritated when she tries to provoke a reaction out of me.
To the normal person with a healthy relationship with relatives, having a “loved one” offer you rides to work or to bring you food might sound sweet, but when your parent is an ableist, transphobic, racist, self-disparaging piece of shit, it’s different. People who pretend to care and extend aid only to throw it back in your face are the worst, and that’s the exact type of woman my conceiver is.
She screams and yells over trivial shit, purposefully provokes reactions out of me then gaslights me whenever I call her out. In the past when I was younger, most of altercations escalated to physical violence and my hospitalisations because she would beat me bloody and in retaliation I would attempt to kill her. But now as an adult with coping mechanisms, professional help and improving emotional regulation, I do my best to disregard her or practice self help tools in those moments.
I don’t want to struggle because I’ve struggled all my life, I want to find peace and stability. However living in an environment with one of your abusers and occasionally being forced to interact with their enablers, it’s exhausting. I want to go no contact at my earliest convenience so I can change all of my information and tell her as well as my other relatives to get fucked.
