Hello there, I’ve been getting mental health therapy for almost a year, it has been helpful.

My current problem is all the extra weight I’ve suddenly gained. I’ve always been average / thin. My eating habits have not changed, so I’m not even sure I chose the right category to post in! I might have begun eating *a little* bit more sweets and energy bars, but I’m a vegetarian. My diet is very healthy. I am eating sugar and carbs, but no more than before. People online say it’s not possible to gain weight on these meds unless I’m eating more.

Right now I literally have to make a choice: either to significantly reduce the intake of tasty foods and go on a very strict diet, or to quit my meds (an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer).

Has anyone gone through a similar situation? I want to stop taking my meds because my body is out of control, and I don’t want to count calories. This development is more damaging than my anxiety and depression. I used to be able to eat anything and stay the same weight. I’d rather be unhappy than fat, honestly. I already feel my anxiety coming back every time I look in the mirror.

Approximately one month ago I silently cut contact with the few people I wanted to call friends because after taking time to heavily reflect on those connections, I realised they weren’t pouring into me the way I poured into them. There are days I reminisce the memories made but since refocusing my attention to priorities and remaining determined in situating responsibilities, those days rarely happen.

I recently started working as an elementary school teacher and two days into it, words cannot describe the joy I’m feeling. Working with kids is healing parts of me that no amount of therapy, medication and self care can and I love it so much. Not only do I get along with my colleagues but my students already enjoy having me as their educator.

It’s interesting because I feel less lonely being alone than with others. I want to build and maintain lifelong relationships, platonic and intimate alike, but with everything I’m situating it’s unfortunately not a good time. However as I’m continuously practicing vulnerability, being an active volunteer and engaging with youth provides me the perfect balance.

I long for healthy connections but I’m in love with the gradual pace of creating them. I wish my former acquaintances well, but I’d rather pursue things that believe in healthy reciprocity.

As of August 10th, 2024 I’m 1 year and 9 months sober. While sobriety wasn’t intended, it was surviving a covert narcissist that used alcohol as a means to continuously assault me that inspired the journey. Among other things, getting my shit together was all I cared to do after experiencing the hell I endured.

Now almost 2 years later I’m alive and thriving. I’m navigating life with a sense of direction and everything I do comes from a place of love. I’m slowing down, giving myself time to process things, I’m trusting my intuition more and fearlessly pursuing my passions.

June 30th, 2024 I met someone at a concert. Instantly, we hit it off and started going on dates. It was followed by frequent texting, regular dates, breathtaking sex, conversations about the future and sharing bits of our pasts. Everything seemed well, until it didn’t. Even with me creating safe spaces to have open discussions about concerns, it resulted in me having to disassociate because my intuition and body started to warn me something was wrong.

For full context please refer to my previous, recent post (Listen To Your Body)

I trust in my decision more than anything to separate from whatever doesn’t positively serve me, however because I wanted to give myself closure, I caved and responded to the texts my now former romantic interest sent. I understand that closure might not be achievable in every conflict but possible, I’d like to give it to myself and whoever else.

Before reaching responding to the texts, I gave myself time to mentally and emotionally prepare. I wrote down questions like, “Why am I reconnecting?”, “What do I want to say?”, “What am I expecting to gain out of this interaction?”, etc. Once I gathered myself, I responded communicating my grievances and asked to arrange time for us to speak.

After scheduling everything, I went on to enjoy celebrating 21 months sobriety. It started with me waking up feeling refreshed. I spent 15 minutes cleaning my room, I showered, cooked myself breakfast and caught up on current events. Then I worked through my self care routine. I checked in with friends, gifted a stranger a handmade care package, played in the park, brought some protection charms I plan to give loved ones, and spent the evening relaxing at home.

This evening at 18:00, August 11th, he’s coming over to speak. I’ve already prepared and decided that I’m going to go no contact for good, but I want to give him a protection charm to wish him well. After everything, I don’t think that we’d be a great fit for one another and the conflict of interests would create unhealthy tension. Recognising this, I’d rather us work on ourselves/priorities until we find someone’s whose desires are in alignment with our longterm goals.

Initially acknowledging this hurt, but I’ve taken all the time to reflect so now I’m able to have this conversation from a levelheaded perspective. Even though everything was short lived, I appreciate getting to experience what I imagine healthy conflict in a relationship would look like. It gives me hope, and I’m glad I had this learning opportunity. My heart will hurt every now and then reflecting but it’s for the best.

Modern mental hospitals are not helping people with mental issues. They are like prisons! I was unfortunate to be sent to one such abysmal place last year, after a manic episode (I have bipolar 1). I had hallucinations and, apparently, derealization, and my crazy stepfather decided to use this moment to kick me out of home. I was too weak to protest, so I was left no choice, and it was so dehumanizing! They confiscated the only two things that can silence the pain - my phone and music player. To deprive me of that when I was most vulnerable was absolutely insane! I cried and begged them to make an exception for me, but the robots with indifferent faces told me “those were the rules”, and NO ONE cared about how I felt. I was given gigantic doses of meds and was told if I didn’t take them I’d stay there longer. I swallowed everything they gave me, just to be out of there. Then they forced me to undergo two sessions of therapy, making me talk about my relationships with the family. I wanted to scream or smash the stupid woman’s face, but the meds made me slow. I couldn’t defend myself. I felt much worse than when I was at home.

The second they told me I could go, I grabbed my personal stuff, and ran outside as fast as I could, past my “parents” who still looked scared of me. Well, at least my stepfather did, I didn’t dare to look in my mother’s face. I took a taxi to my old friend’s house and am staying there for now. I’ll never ever come back home. I blocked all my relatives, they know I’m with a friend, but they don’t know the exact address. I’ll never forgive them for what they did to me. And I’ll never allow anyone to send me to a hospital in my life! I’d rather die.