Up until September 2022 I’ve spent most of my life people-pleasing and bending over backwards for others with little to no reciprocation. In previous friendships and relationships I was treated like a therapist; a resource; someone to trauma dump on and abandon once the support sought was received. This has been an ongoing pattern that manifested and unconsciously continued until I broke the cycle by deciding to choose myself.
Since beginning to prioritise my wellbeing post escaping an abusive relationship, I began redefining what friendship looks like to me and how I want future connections to form. That involved cutting ties, reframing my perspective, changing my surrounding and adjusting my approach. Now, 2 almost 3 years into my journey I find myself alone because I’ve noticed this generation’s definition of friendship is based off either: what you can do for others, people wanting to experience abundance by proximity, how much you’ll let others take advantage of you or the amount of shallow intimacy had.
There’s a difference between holding space with yourself and isolating, and while I hold space with myself most days I definitely isolate on others. I’m okay with having no friends because I’m protecting my peace and will continue to, however whenever I’m meeting people for the first time and their immediate reaction is to trauma dump I disassociate with quickness.
I understand it’s not always done maliciously but it’s exhausting. I acknowledge that receiving professional help is easier said than done and it’s privilege to have accessibility to mental health services, but trauma dumping on someone you met within hours of meeting them is a red flag for me. Life isn’t sunshine and rainbows 24/7 and I recognise that. I don’t believe in enforcing toxic positivity because that does more harm than good, but where I’m at right now I just want to make connections and enjoy the little goodness that’s left while the world is going to shit.
Being surrounded by people who constantly complain, always see the negative and are problem focused instead of seeking alternatives, acknowledging positives and being solution oriented is very genuinely draining. It’s okay to vent when needed, it helps decompress, but to NEVER have anything good to talk about? That’s troubling to me. Yes, people (apart of your support system or not) are supposed to help in your time of need but they’re not qualified professionals trained to guide you through every traumatic event you experienced. Continuously dumping shit on people without even knowing their capacity to receive potentially triggering information shouldn’t be normalised and is selfish in my opinion, but I unfortunately keep running into people like this.
I love helping others more than anything but I refuse to fall back into old patterns. I’m no longer trying to save anyone, I just hope I inspire people enough to save themselves. General advice, a shoulder to lean on and encouragement is all I can give. I’m tired of being treated like an afterthought, arm candy or expedient. I’ve been traumatised enough by previous trauma bonds and recognising I’ll outgrow those connections sooner or later, I don’t want future friendships/relationships to develop from trauma bonding. I trust in my decision making abilities more than anything but sometimes I feel bad, am I the asshole for immediately disassociating with people who attempt to trauma bond with me?
I’m so sorry you went through this. :( I always thought inpatient care is voluntary only, and no one can make you go to hospital. Your experience was indeed very traumatic. People with mental health issues need empathy and compassion, not prison-like conditions. It’s a shame, because in some parts of the world, like Norway, even prisons look like five-star hotels. We’re obviously doing something wrong, if we can’t create good hospitalization experiences for our citizens. I’m glad you’re with your friend now. Do you have any regular prescriptions for your bipolar disorder?
It’s so shocking that your doctor forced a therapy on you! How is that even possible? No one can open up to a therapist until they’ve established a connection and built some trustful relationship. How did they expect to have any positive effect on you when you were doing it against your will? I wonder if it’s even legal? I hope that you're doing better now and have some feeling of safety and stability.
@Michelle Exactly. I still have nightmares about that pit. I wasn’t even dangerous, only a little unstable. Yes, I’m taking mood stabilizers, and I’m going to research my condition, to never let anyone take advantage of my lack of knowledge!
@low_bite_374 That seems to be a common experience for most patients. I’ve chatted with the people who were with me, many have been to such places several times, and they say they come out more destroyed than when they entered. Some said they were misdiagnosed and given treatment they never needed. I’ll never be like I was before any of this. I'm not in a position to challenge my case in court, and I don't believe it can work without lots of money, but at least I can warn others.
Hospitals can help people in crisis situations, it’s just too bad that our public health system was poorly designed for the needs of people with mental illnesses. It is another area that desperately needs reform, but most voters will never see how things are from the inside, so they’ll never be able to change it. I know that private hospitals can be much more progressive, they may even allow patients to have their phones and computers, so that they could work part-time while they get treatment and could easily return to normal life.
I hope things get better for you. You deserve to be happy!
I sympathize with your story. I can only imagine how you felt, and your indignation at your stepfather is understandable. However, I can assure you that all hospitals are different, and not all of them are bad. My mother worked in a public hospital, and while it wasn’t always a pleasant experience, I know she didn’t spend nine years of her life to make other’s lives miserable. She helped people. Quite often, patients with manic episodes are a danger to themselves, and checking them into a psych unit is the only option. I’m not saying your stepfather did the right thing. He might have overreacted, and he definitely should have made it more comfortable for you. Just, please, don’t dismiss all professional help because of your one very negative experience 🙏
Inpatient stays can absolutely cause trauma. I didn’t think that way, until someone dear to me was hospitalized and told me creepy things later. I was lucky to have comparatively okeyish stays in hospitals. I had my complaints, but overall I still believe some of them are trying to help. I do agree with you that taking away phones is a ludicrous rule, and it must be changed. I think in some countries they allow phones at least for some periods of time (after dinner, etc.). I wish you to find treatment that is works for you!
I’ve heard that some poor girls with severe eating disorders were forced to treatment, because their condition was a threat to their lives. I hope I’ll never be in the same boat. I’m determined to find a good psychiatrist and do all they say. Also, I know how it can be with relatives. My sister is not too supportive either, because she can’t relate to my problems. But I love her all the same. Perhaps in time you’ll be able to forgive your mother. I assume she wasn’t there when the decision to send you to hospital was made? Sometimes our family members mean well even when they make huge mistakes. It’s painful, but occasionally it’s worthwhile to give them another chance
@Katelyn The worst part is that every time I do feel my derealization worsening, I have moments when I doubt if I should phone my psychiatrist. The prospect of being sent to that place again causes me to have panic attacks! How can I forgive any of them for what they've done? Instead of patiently waiting while my symptoms subside, they decided they can't deal with it. I have so much genuine anger and frustration I can't even talk about it now!
It’s weird that your parents didn’t visit you in the hospital. Normally it’s allowed, and parents can bring your favorite food or extra clothes. It’s unfortunate that you got estranged from your family when you need them the most. Maybe when some time passes, you’ll find it in your heart to communicate with those relatives who were not directly responsible for your suffering. I wish you all the best.