Hello,

I really didn’t know what category to post to, sorry

I’m ashamed of what I’m going to say. I fear that I dislike my daughter because of my ex-wife. I don’t know what to do with these feelings of guilt and inner rejection of her.

I’m the primary caretaker, she’s 7 years old. Her mother is in jail for selling drugs. I hate my ex-wife so bad. She was absolutely unfit to care for our daughter. She couldn’t care about herself, constantly abusing drugs and booze. She’d cheated on me multiple times in our nine years together. I found out about all of it during the past year while she was in jail. It broke me. I don’t want her in my life. And this child is like my punishment. At her young age, she looks exactly like her mother. She’s like her mini-version. Same eyes, same mannerisms. She took nothing from me. I started a new job at the hospital and often take night shifts, the child stays with my mother. I try to give her everything she needs at her age, finances are not an issue. I have zero bond with her. Sometimes I don’t want to go home in the morning, it’s all so confused in my head. I can’t look into her eyes without feeling that there’s a shadow of her mother crawling somewhere near. My mother urges me to try therapy, it’s covered by my insurance, and I don’t know what’s stopping me. It’s not the life I envisioned. I feel terrible for dreaming about a partner and for wanting to have a normal love life. I’m not ready for single parenting, and yet it’s my lifelong duty now. What if I’ll never learn to love my daughter?

I don't know how to explain what's happening in my mind.

For a long time now, the idea of pain has made me feel... something. Excitement. Or maybe adrenaline. Back when I did self harm, it felt like I deserved it. Like I I was fixing something that is wrong. It felt like it's fair. It felt satisfying.

I stopped three years ago. I made a promise and kept it. I've been cut free for three years, three months and 20 days.

Still, when the pressure gets too much, when I'm stressed, when I make a mistake at anything, the urge keeps coming back.

Since the idea of pain excited me, I got to learn about BDSM. I've read a lot and got to know what I do and don't like. In theory.

Lately, I joined my local BDSM community, hoping I might feel less like a freak for being a masochist after meeting the people there. One problem that occurred is that I'm also asexual and sex-repulsed. And they don't seem to be able to wrap their mind around the concept of being a sub and a masochist AND sex-repulsed at the same time.

(Really, it's not that complicated: I don't need to be naked in order to be tied up, beaten and then praised for how well I took it. And I couldn't care less if the person doing it was a man, a woman or non-binary, as long as I got the sensation.)

Since I've joined the community, I've felt worse than before. I feel like a freak, because what kind of a person wants to be in pain? I feel broken, because what kind of a person doesn't like sex?

The answer is me. I'm this broken freak.

After all of this, my mind is a mess. I don't know what to think or how to deal with all of these mixed up feelings and desires.

I know I'm broken. I have trust issues, which is automatically a huge no-no when it comes to BDSM. It's all about trust and communication, and setting boundaries. I can't do any of this.

My brain refuses to let anyone see me as the wreak I really am. But a part of me wants to be seen as just that. I'm so tired of having to be in control of my every word, every action, every thought, just because of "what people will think". I don't want to be anyone's child or sibling or colleague, I don't want to be responsible and smart and strong. I'm only human, goddammit it! I want to break down and know that I'm allowed to!

There is a special kind of freedom that comes with being powerless. When you realise you have no control and nothing depends on you, when you surrender. You can't do anything wrong when you can't move. You can't say anything wrong if you can't speak. And if you cry, if you scream while being beaten, when there are actual bruises on your skin afterwards, nobody will tell you that your pain isn't real or that it's all in your head.

Maybe the only reason I got into BDSM was because I saw "sadism and masochism" and thought "I'm not the only one, there are other freaks that want to be in pain and who would cause pain". But if you remove the sex from it, is it really the same thing? If they all see the pain as a warm-up, as a foreplay before having sex in the end, then what am I even doing there?

Am I just relapsing in a different way, trying to use BDSM as a substitute for self harm with the exact same results?

I haven't done anything with anyone yet, and most likely I never will. But in case I do... will I be breaking my promise? Will I be using it as a loophole to self harm?

What should I do with this mess I am?

I had an argument with my son about happiness and money. I lost the bet and I thought about happiness and mental health. I live so long without thinking about the quality of my life. I started listening to myself during the day, with the goal of understanding what makes me feel happy "now". To my surprise, I couldn't immediately capture the moment of "now." I was either thinking about the past with regret or the future with anxiety. There were also moments during the day when I lived "automatically." That is, driving a car, riding in an elevator, brushing my teeth, washing my face..... The automatic moments are not always remembered, and, as it turns out, it's as if they don't exist.

When am I living in the present, and when am I happy? Anxious thoughts abound in my head.... About the past, the future... In general, I have experienced happiness from eating, driving a car around a beautiful place, and when I saw a paycheck on a card. Not much. I started fantasizing about what I could do to increase my happiness. Shopping? Not enough money. Spending time with friends? It's awkward to distract them (felt a tightness in my chest). Meet a beautiful woman? (what will I attract her with no money?) again a limitation. All in all, I found a bunch of internal limitations, and a lack of living "in the moment". It turns out that for mental health I need to work on myself.... and maybe happiness is waiting for me.....

Hi everyone, I came to this site to tell my story, maybe it will help someone. This is my experience of overcoming fears. The thing is that I was very afraid to drive a car. No, the words "very afraid" do not convey my condition at all. I was shaking behind the wheel. A lot of people run to get their license as soon as they turn 18. I didn't. My parents kept telling me, "how many accidents? You'll be safe." Or "look how the neighbor crashed the car", "here, she has a head injury, and now she's sick, and if she hadn't driven the car, she'd be in one piece". And it was imprinted in my head that "a car is scary, an accident, disability". I was also told that I was "inattentive", "it's very difficult to drive a car". And I was afraid. Every year the need to drive increased. So I decided to get my license. I asked my father to teach me how to drive, and I was told no, "It's dangerous." I asked my husband to teach me to drive a little bit at a time. To which I got a "you can't handle it...and you'll delete the car" refusal. I don't remember exactly what the "last straw" was, but I decided to study for my license "secretly". I paid for a driving school and started attending classes. I learned the theory quickly. But when the practice of driving began, I started to have fears. I remembered everything that I was told "you can't do it, it's hard"....

I was shaking while driving, I was paralyzed by fear and I really couldn’t. The instructor told me and another guy that we were the worst. Moreover, when we started training in a city where there was a lot of traffic, I was afraid of cars. Everyone. It seemed to me that they would definitely come at me. Or I'm on them. Large or expensive cars were especially scary. Because a big car is a potential death

Due to panic while driving, I did not listen to the instructor. The instructor considered himself very experienced, and his pride was greatly affected by the fact that he could not teach me. In the morning, he told me that when he saw that the first student on his schedule was me, he assessed his day as unsuccessful. I told him that he was probably a bad teacher. Angry, he told me “I will teach you, no matter what it costs me.” He explained that I needed to remove the “barrier”.

When I started driving in the car, we continued to argue about whether he was a good teacher. During the argument, I became angry, and it no longer mattered to me whether I was afraid or not. I was all in this argument. At some point, the instructor said admiringly, “look how well you rode,” when you’re angry, you forget about fear. I myself was surprised that this was so. Yes, he was right, I drove and was not afraid, I went through all the turns. At this point, I got a call from work asking me to come over right away. I hurried off and asked my driving instructor to drive me. And he said no. I got angry, so I drove myself. I was only thinking that I had to get there as soon as possible, there was no fear, because my mind was dominated by "hurry to work". At the intersection, I looked at the instructor and saw that he was happy. "You are driving very well! You see, when you really have to go somewhere, you are not afraid", he said. He was smiling and satisfied. I can say that breaking my fear barrier was helped by my anger. When I was angry, there was no fear. But that doesn't mean I didn't work on the residual slight fear of driving later on. But I'll write about that another time)