I am not judging you, but if someone touched my things – no matter how worthless – without my consent, I’d go ballistic. You can’t expect to throw away her things for the rest of your marriage. I’m afraid the only way to help your partner is to help her change her thinking through any means possible: persuasion, good example, therapy. Anything except blaming or doing things behind her back.
The way I see it, if you can’t decide what gets out, you can at least insist that you decide on everything that gets in. That way you can at least limit the growth of new additions. The question is how to do that 🤔
Perhaps you could gently monitor all her purchases through the bank account you control? And also agree on discussing home purchases that aren’t groceries under the pretext that you like minimalism, and you would appreciate it if your concerns were heard and respected. Something that sounds like a compromise… It will not help with the stuff she already hoards, but at least there will be no new boxes 🙂
My first thought would be that your girlfriend is in chronic depression, because it’s a clear sign of depression when people can’t find neither physical nor mental strengths to clear things up, and it’s easier to let them accumulate in some place. But the fact that your gf does it all so thoughtfully and meticulously makes me think it’s something else. Does she come from a financially insecure family?
@aksoll Yeeah, I’m aware it’s not the best strategy, and I’m looking for other ways. My main problem is finding strong enough motivation that my fiancée will relate to. So far I’ve tried talking about ecology and ecological ways to give stuff away, the issue of being greedy and materialistic, and general common sense. Sometimes it works. For instance, I managed to get her to give away our ugly kitchen table, but she might have agreed simply because it was too large to put it anywhere else… I’ve also managed to give away some of the old cups and plates we’ve bought together, so I felt entitled to have a say in dealing with “our things”. But when it comes to her childhood trinkets or boxes of books, I feel I’ll never win the battle.
@sk8ter We already discuss all the big purchases. I honestly don’t think it’s a great idea to make her report to me about all the minor purchases, it’ll only rattle her and make a crack in our mutual trust.
@Lee White Nah it’s not that. She comes from a reasonably well-off house, it’s not about the memories of being poor… I actually believe the root causes are purely psychological in nature, but I can’t get to the bottom of it.
@Leonard Whatever strategy you choose, don’t talk about ecology and recycling ;) Cause the other two slogans are “Repair, Reuse!” which goes in line with your partner’s ideas that things may come in handy later, and having them means not buying new ones… I guess you could take her to some friendly neighborhood donation party or yard sale for her to see how easily other people donate things and how fulfilling it may be.
I advise you to read some good books on the topic. It has been pretty well researched, and you’ll find various tips on how to deal with it. Find the books Digging Out and Scaling Down – those are for you and for people whose loved ones are obsessed with objects. You’ll also have to check out other books that are for your fiancée: Buried in Treasures; Stuff Compulsive Hoarding and The Meaning of Things. I don’t know how you’ll make her read them, perhaps it can be your ultimatum if nothing else helps.
@aksoll Hmm a yard sale sounds appealing. It’s something I haven’t tried yet. And you’re right, my last attempt to talk about being mindful towards environment led to her lecture on reusing old things...
@TheWonder Thanks, we actually have the book “Stuff”. I bought it last year when I found out the name of our problem. However, my fiancée denies that she has any kind of disorder, and talking about it in this manner only makes her angry. I’m not yet sure how to proceed with it.
i understand how overwhelmed you are feeling and frustrated too at your continued ways of persuading her to change this behaviour of accumulating things.. This is a complex mental health issue. but you need to remember one point if you would discard things without her knowledge it would do more harm to your relationship and to her behaviour. I understand you feel its piles and piles of garbage but it is not that. it is just that she doesn't have proper decision making skills and get stuck in thought process of whether to discard or keep it. They may be emotionally attached to few. You just need to understand what and why they like to collect things and not discard it. this will help you to understand root cause so try discussing about it than finding various ideas of discarding things. You just have to ask open ended questions asking why is she storing this product, what would be its use in the future. This would encourage him to reflect on the value or usefulness of each item. Question them with open minded and not judging them. This would also show you are just interested in knowing and understanding her and not being judgemental or criticising her. in You can try reaching a therapist who can help her with cognitive behaviour therapy or motivational interviewing.
Dealing with a partner's hoarding can be very stressful. However, there are things you can do to help them acknowledge the issue.
It's important to understand what lies behind the need to keep different items. Here are some of the possible reasons:
1) There is a strong emotional connection to the items;
2) There's a belief that these things are unique or will be useful in the future;
3) The person feels more safe and comfortable when surrounded by different things.
The initial causes of the hoarding issue may vary - it could be related to personality traits such as problems with organization and problem-solving, never learning to prioritize things because of living in a cluttered house, having a family member who had the same issue, having a deprived childhood, or experiencing a traumatic life event such as loss of a loved one or certain possessions which could lead to difficulty letting go of things. Sometimes hoarding can also be part of other conditions such as obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety, or depression. In any case, this is a complex issue.
Because of this, the idea of getting rid of items can bring strong negative emotions and feel overwhelming for your partner. Discarding the items without their consent can make your partner angry or resentful, leading them to accumulate even more things.
Understanding the complexity of this issue can help you approach your partner with more compassion so that it can be easier to have a constructive conversation. You might not change their beliefs, but you can explain how this issue might be affecting their life, well-being, and your relationship. Before approaching your partner, read more on the subject so that you know how to be more empathetic and offer the support that they need.
For example, initiate the conversation by saying: "I understand that these things have meaning to you and having them around brings you comfort. I understand that it must be very hard for you to let go. However, I want to discuss some consequences..." You might point out that the clutter can make it more difficult to clean, leading to unhygienic conditions and posing a health risk for both of you, or there could be other risks such as fire or injury from tripping over clutter. If you notice that their well-being is being affected, gently explain your concerns. The key is to focus on the safety aspects instead of attacking your partner by telling them how wrong such a way of living is. When talking about it, avoid words like "mess" or "garbage" and instead use their language - for example, if they refer to their things as "collections," do that as well. This will create more space for understanding.
Suggest looking for solutions together and offer your help. Don't push them to make major changes right away, such as getting rid of a few old boxes. You can start by asking what things your partner finds easier to throw away - like old bills and magazines, for example. Small steps are very important too.
When offering help, it's better to avoid behaviors that can enable the hoarding - like paying for extra storage space or cleaning up and organizing stuff for them. This can prevent your partner from seeing and addressing the problem.
When your partner sees there's an issue, advise them to seek professional help such as individual or group therapy, or even just seeing a GP for a start. Offer to accompany your partner to appointments if this is what they need.
It may take a few conversations to get them to hear you, but with the right support and understanding, it's possible to find a solution. Remember that it takes time for changes to happen, and there might be some setbacks in the process, so it's important to be patient.
While supporting your partner, don't forget about your needs and mental well-being too. Engage in fun and relaxing activities, make sure you spend enough time with other people in your life. If you feel you need additional help, search for a local or online support group for family members of hoarders. Joining such group can help learn more about coping skills, resources, and get mental support from people who have been going through something similar.