my oldest profession

lately I've started to realize that I'm not cut out for my chosen profession. I worked as a webcam for a few years. And it was dragging me down...I was splitting in my roles on camera and almost suicidal. Then I decided to follow my friend and started working in the industry full-time. But it was difficult for me to obey my manager, and I often fought with him. What right does he have to yell at me and to take money from me? I learned many nuances of this dirty profession, and my personality was so split that I lost myself. I don't know who I am. I play roles for men, and that's what I do for a living. And I live in a fog created by alcohol and my bifurcation. You'd be surprised, but I like to read books. It's probably a little piece of my healthy part...And I cry and yell at myself when I can't stand up for myself. Yes, members of my profession have the right to say no, too. And when I can't do it, I cut my veins for not protecting myself...Sometimes, when I get dizzy, I lie face down in my pillow and I think that my soul has already been sold to hell...and I come back from oblivion...and I think that if I have self-love in my soul, there will be paradise.