Yesterday, a coworker was talking to me about his relationship with his boyfriend that I thought was sweet, but the more he detailed, the more my expression involuntarily fell at how unhealthy it sounded. When I asked how long he knew his partner and where they met, he told me they’ve known each other for a month and met on an app.

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t believe in the “3 month rule.” When it comes to relationships, my “talking stage” is 7-9 months because 3 months isn’t enough time to know a person. For me, it’s not about knowing whether or not I like someone, it’s actually getting to know them as a person and becoming friends before the relationship. Until I’ve seen a person when they’re happy, sad, mad; around their friends, family, coworkers and colleagues; their conflict resolution skills or how they function when drunk/high, I won’t establish anything.

Everyone’s personality changes in different settings, groups, when under the influence, etc but it depends on how drastic that change is. The last time I initiated a relationship with someone I met within a month’s time, he turned out to be a covert narcissist with a history of domestic violence. That “relationship” ended in me receiving an influx of trauma related diagnoses, filing an emergency order of protection, having to LEGALLY change my name, delete half my media and go no contact with a loved one because him stalking us gave them C-PTSD.

Since that situation I’ve actively been in therapy, support workshops and stepped away from the dating scene because I want to better myself, for myself, before my loved ones and the next person I date in the future. While my situation is extreme, it’s just scary to me how people initiate relationships without taking certain things into consideration? I know everyone navigates differently and if things work for them, awesome! I love seeing happy and healthy partnerships because it gives me motivation to continue building my own, I just couldn’t see me doing it abiding the “3 month rule.”

Currently in a constant state of overthinking , my girlfriend and I were on FaceTime and she was showing me her camera roll and I could see pictures of ex boyfriend she hadn’t deleted and I just found myself getting sad and annoyed I just don’t understand why

A lot of the time, people hear “social media influencer” and think of brand ambassadors and celebrities. More often than not, people will also roll their eyes when said influencers complain about hardships they experience because content creation is often associated with entitled rich people who have no self-awareness or faces challenges like that of the average person. That’s understandable, but what a LOT of people don’t know is that being a content creator isn’t as luxurious as they believe.

There’s this misconception that EVERY social media influencer (or person with a platform) is “rich” or financially stable enough to survive off their earnings which is FALSE. How do I know? Because I’M a content creator and have been financially struggling even AFTER coming into a platform. My situation isn’t an isolated case, either. Statistically speaking, in order to be considered an “influencer”, a user must have 500K followers MINIMUM across their platforms, and I’m only a little less than half. Additionally, every sponsor is different. With my circumstances, I only receive 10% of commission IF a person uses my referral link and discount code during checkout.

I don’t have many sponsors but that’s for a reason. If I’m going to collaborate with a company, I do extreme research because I don’t want to promote a brand that’s harmful or negatively impacts the environment, community, etc. While my content is very versatile, I try to send the overall message of spread kindness, creativity and education.

I love being content creator because I have the opportunity to educate, entertain and encourage younger black and brown creatives with my content which is a personal mission statement I chose for myself, but the disadvantages make it exhausting. Platforms are constantly hiding black and brown creators content which means we have to work twice as hard. There’s also a lot of racism and discrimination within fandom spaces which is why I have comment filters enabled because every day I wake up, I have bigots calling me slurs. I have to deal with queer phobia, fetishising and other derogatory remarks. I have people assuming I’m “intimidating” because of my platform or believe I’m entitled because most media influencers are. Don’t even get me started on the defamation of character I experienced that started over another person’s envy.

I’m hesitant to collaborate with other creators because I’ve had to continuously disassociate with people who’ve been outed as abusers and predators in the recent past. I’m wary to befriend other creators because I’ve had people take advantage of my kindness and only see me for my platform and not as a person. After being DOXED by a former friend who was jealous I came into a platform, I acquired stalkers who TO THIS DAY, continue to harass me. It’s exhausting.

The anxiety inducing thing about it all is that the more my platform grows, the more my privacy shrinks. I’ve lost friends and relationship partners because of stalkers and people from my platform being invasive, prying into my private life even when it wasn’t publicised, and as a result I stopped sharing milestones of my recovery. I’m being recognised in public and other places I frequent which makes me fearful for my safety. I am not a celebrity or someone with extreme notoriety for me to experience any of this and it’s incredibly frustrating because when I try to be vulnerable about my frustrations, people downplay the seriousness of it.

I don’t know about anyone else, but it doesn’t feel good to vocalise distress about being followed and for a majority of responses to be, “That means you’re famous!” or “that’s so cool, I wish I had stalkers!” Yes I can delete and filter negative or derogatory comments, and yes I can disconnect and take breaks from media. I do it frequently to preserve my mental and emotional health. What I can’t do however is put the stalking to an end and pursue legal action to ensure that.

I don’t want to be hyper vigilant or over analytical of everything because that fear can deprive me of a lot of opportunities. I do my best to keep a clear mind and open heart but repeatedly experiencing traumatising situations in real time triggers me beyond belief. I love being a “social media influencer” but it’s exhausting.

I was at my boyfriend’s house this weekend and while I did have a good time, it has exacerbated the already conflicting feelings I have. I don’t want to move to North Carolina like he does. I feel that the best thing for us would be to live in between both of our families but he dosent seem to think so. I love him but lately I find myself longing for a different kind of life. Not without him but where I can live my dreams. Can’t I have romantic love and still achieve my dreams?